by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Fascism is not just about the leaders who make policies and explain to the masses how they benefit from those policies even when they don't. Especially when they don't. It takes thousands and thousands of lower level functionaries the masses are never likely to have heard of to make fascism function. In its dysfunctional way. It's kind of in the job title. This is one of their stories.
He looks so stern, you could swear you see the ocean behind him. He looks like a cross-dressing school marm...only meaner. His spine is so straight, you would swear that he keeps rulers in the back ofhis shirt so he has them ready when he needs to rap somebody's knuckles. His official title is "Adviser of the Dicastery for the Doctrine of the Faith." His unofficial title is "The Politician Whisperer."
"Would you like a cup of tea?" Luigi Fullimbroglio asked me as we sat in his Grey House office, which was decorated with framed portraits of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf as Jesus, Moses, Harry S. Trublusnuzluzman and, for some inexplicable reason, Stephen Colbertandcrackers. Perched on filing cabinets and desks were stuffed raptors swooping in on their prey. "The brownies are a bit rich for my taste, but Misses Blackandeckerbus does a lovely lemon poppy seed tart."
I thanked him for the offer, but said I never eat sweets while on the job. Fullimbroglio nodded appreciatively.
Before I could ask a question, the phone on Fullimbroglio's desk rang. "Sorry, but I've got to take this," he told me as he picked it up. "Hello? Pete? Yeah, thanks for getting back to me. How're you doin'? Yeah. Right. Right. Oh, I know it can be a stressful job - nobody blames you for doing what you have to to take the edge off. Exactly. Anyway, the reason I called was: why the hell are you still talking about bombing Iran‽ The President said yesterday that the war was over and that we had won. Yes, I am aware that he also talked about bombing Iran, BUT THAT WAS BEFORE WE WON THE WAR! Honestly, man, your job is to keep up. Do you think you can keep up? Well, you better, because the President's approval ratings are dropping like a stone, and he's running out of female cabinet members to fire! Right. Give my love to Jennifer. And doesn't Gunner have a birthday coming up? Be sure to let him know Uncle Luigi has something special for him. Very...special. Thanks. Have a good day."
People sometimes confuse Fullimbroglio with Presidential...something Adviser Stephen Siewnottmillertyme. "It's the hair, isn't it?" he laughed, a pleasant enough sound even though it came from such an unforgiving face. "I've had this haircut since I was five years old - I told him if he wanted people to be able to tell us apart, he would have to be the one who changed his coif. He won't, of course. Honestly, the man can be stubborn as a mule!"
When I suggested that it was because they played similar roles in ensuring the President's messaging was properly conveyed to the public, Fullimbroglio shook his head. "I hate to disagree," he disagreed, "but we couldn't be more different. Stephen likes the spotlight - he was a middle child, so he probably didn't get much attention when he was growing up. Me, I prefer to do my job in the background - as an only child, I've had more attention than one person should have in a lifetime!"
Before joining the Grey House, Fullimbroglio worked for the public relations firm Tallahassee Disruptors, where he rose from junior copywriter to full partner in three years. He says he looks upon those times with great fondness, especially the Thursday night fondue parties.
It was his work on Texabana Governor Greg Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott's reelection campaign that first caught the eye of Suzie Runswildinthestreeps, the Grey House Chief of Staff. When the adviser role was created, there was only one person she could see recruiting to fill it.
"What can I say?" Fullimbroglio asked. "When you do good work, people notice."
I asked Fullimbroglio if he believed in the President's messaging or if he looked at it his time in the Grey House like just another PR job. Smiling, he replied, "Oh, you're not going to trick me into opening that can of whupass worms!"
Before I could explain that my editor made me ask [Hey! BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI], the phone rang again. Holding up a finger, Fullimbroglio answered: "Kevin? Hi. Thanks for getting back to me. How's the golf swing? Better since I pointed out you were putting too much weight on your back foot? Oh, I am glad. Just don't be too good when you play the president, okay? Ha ha. Anyhoo, the reason I'm calling is the Iranian blockade of the Strait of Hormuz‽ What the hell were you thinking, man‽ Rising oil prices are Biden's fault! Biden! Biden! Biden! Biden! Biden! Biden could be out of office for 20 years, and everything would still be his fault! Biden COULD BE DEAD FOR 20 YEARS, and everything would still be his fault! Get it‽ The source for any and all problems in the country is all Biden all the time. Okay. Glad we worked that out. Oh, and if you ever need any advice on your pickleball swing, I'm your man. Okay? Okay! Bye!"
After a lengthy, apparently satisfying sip of tea, Fullimbroglio grinned and said, "However I approach the job, I have to admit that it has some killer perks!"