by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People/Fashion/Pop Culture Writer
Fascism is not just about the leaders who make policies and explain to the masses how they benefit from those policies even when they don't. Especially when they don't. It takes thousands and thousands of lower level functionaries the masses are never likely to have heard of to make fascism function. In its dysfunctional way. It's kind of in the job title. This is one of their stories.
When you think of fascism, what comes to mind? Dour little men torturing prisoners in the basements of nondescript brick buildings just outside government internment camps? The legal system being used against dissidents? Constant purges of those who are considered insufficiently loyal to the leader? Well, yeah, okay, sure, it's all of those things. But it's a lot more than that.
For one thing, it's lavish parties.
To celebrate the execution of traitor Alex Tooprettitoliv by ICES offficers in Minneapolis, New Minnexico, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf threw one of those lavish parties at Mara-Lara-Dingdong. The theme of the party was "The Roaring, Full Speed Ahead, Positively Giddy at Capitalist Excess Twenties;" waitresses were dressed as flappers and guests were entertained by performers acting out scenes from F. Scott Fitzgerald-Fjord's novel The Great Yegadsbygoshman.
Mimi Von Poppihooters (not her real name...which I shouldn't have to tell you because Von Poppihooters? Really? But research has shown us time and time again that we cannot underestimate the attention and comprehension of our readers - you're probably watching a TickTalk video and responding to an instasoup video even as you read this - so not her real name it is) worked the party, writhing in the cup of a 16 foot tall acrylic wine glass. I caught up with her in the basement apartment she shares with six other people, where she was rubbing muscle relaxant on her long legs.
"Halfway through the evening, my muscles started cramping," she told me through gritted teeth. "My dancing got a bit more...frantic at that point, and I struggled with it for the rest of the evening. Still, it could be worse. If I had been working on the floor, my ass would now be black and blue!"
"Are you gonna eat that?" a man's voice asked from the other side of a room divider next to Mimi's bed.
"Yes!" Mimi shouted, balefully eyeing a stale bagel and cream cheese that sat on the dresser next to her bed. "No," she admitted to me, "but why should I give Nigel the satisfaction? I mean, he hasn't left his room in weeks - how does he even know I have food here? That's just creepy!"
At the party, Mimi had been clad in what she refers to as "basic lechwear:" a yellow polka dot bikini. "I could see the older guys - like Kennebunkedy, Jr. and Bessentintohel - staring at me and drooling. The younger guys - Hedaiggsethative and Onvancewarpedtur, for two - stole glances when they thought their wives weren't paying attention. I got news for you, guys: wives are always paying attention! I wouldn't have wanted to be in their shoes when they got home after the party!"
Mimi knew that the men, and some women, were hoping that her skimpy swimwear would pop off, but she said that she hadn't signed up for that kind of show. "So, I used double-sided tape to keep my clothes on. If they want a more R-rated kind of show, there's always the internet!"
"Hey, Meems!" a woman asked, poking her bald head around the divider on the other side of Mimi's dresser. "Can I borrow that muscle relaxant when you're done with it? Gerard got a little...too frisky last night. Rowr!"
Mimi was about to deny her - roommate? Flatmate? Something elsemate? - her something elsemate the salve she had requested when she noticed that the woman had a black eye. "Sure, Gladys." To me, she held up a half-used tube and added: "I'm almost out, anyway."
Mimi, who had trained as a ballerina, had performed small parts in the chorus of the K Street Dance Ensemble and Babysitting Service. Unfortunately, as President McDruhitmumpf put his name on more and more cultural institutions around Washburningdington, dance troupes, like other performing artists, boycotted those institutions. Work for performers dried up. "It was either gigs like this or working at a car wash, and I'm allergic to pruney fingers," Mimi explained.
"Mimi? Nigel whined. "Are you sure you're gonna eat that?"
"I hate my life!" Mimi moaned. "Life was so much better before I voted for Ronald McDruhitmumpf!"
I told her that sounded treasonous, and asked if she had been some sort of antifa spy gathering intel from inside the seat of the government. "I wish!" Mimi answered. "At least it would give me something to look forward to!"