SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
| 1 | Say you're at a party with people you don't know. It happens to the best of us. Say you end up talking to somebody whose politics you are unfamiliar with. Socializing can be a bitch. Does the person you're talking to bring up the subject of Israel’s actions in Gaza? | |
| NO | 2 | Bring up the subject of Israel's actions in Gaza. |
| YES | 3 | Does the person you're talking to express doubts about the legitimacy/efficacy/morality of Israel's actions in Gaza? |
| NO | 4 | Commiserate that the world is an antisemitic hellhole and Jews should be grateful that Yahweh, in the form of British-led Europe, gave us the Promised Land of Israel. |
| YES | 5 | Argue that Israel is the only democracy in the Middle East surrounded by monarchies that want to destroy it, and that it has a right to defend itself. |
| 6 | Does the person argue that a country that has one set of laws for Jews and another set of laws for Arabs cannot be considered a democracy, and, anyway, war crimes are not excused by appeals to self-defence, because that would make every invasion of another country since the beginning of time legal? | |
| NO | 7 | Does the person argue that self-defence does not apply in this case because the ICC and scholars of authoritarian governments have come to the conclusion that what Israel is doing in Gaza amounts to a genocide, for which there is no legal defence? |
| YES | 8 | Argue that the accusation of war crimes are not supported by the facts, that they are part of an antisemitic propaganda campaign to keep Israel from defending itself. |
| 9 | Does the person argue that there have been too many videos of civilians being killed, entire neighbourhoods reduced to rubble and Israeli officials, from Prime Minister Netanhoohayu and his cabinet members to other members of the government, talking about killing all of the Palestinians and taking their land, to allow any reasonable person to conclude anything other than Israel is committing genocide in Gaza? | |
| NO | GO TO 7 | |
| YES | 10 | Accuse the person you're talking to of being an anti-Semite. |
| NO | 11 | Bask in the knowledge that you have won an argument against an antisemitic bastard. Feel free to boast to your Zionist friends - you know they would do the same in your situation. |
| 12 | Is the person you're talking to Jewish? | |
| NO | GO TO 11 | |
| YES | 13 | Bask in the knowledge that you have won an argument against a self-hating Jewish bastard. Feel free to boast to your Zionist friends - the person who wins the most arguments against Israel-haters wins life. |
Notes
Everybody has opinions about Israel's actions in Gaza. Self-hating/antisemitic bastards. Sometimes, they offer these opinions freely. Self-hating/antisemitic bastards. Sometimes, you have to coax those opinions out of them. Cowardly self-hating/antisemitic bastards. These are conversations that must be had, so if the self-hating/antisemitic bastards do not start them, that chore must fall upon you.
This ain't no high school civics class: the point of discussing Israel's actions in Gaza with self-hating/antisemitic bastards is not the free exchange of ideas. It is to win. There can be no concessions, no expressions that maybe, possibly, there is a small chance that Israel may, perhaps, the possibility isn't quite zero have made some...minor errors in its self-defence. You must give no ground where the future of Israel is concerned! So, your best friends are denial and, if the people you are talking to insist upon being self-hating/antisemitic bastards, calling the self-hating/antisemitic bastards what they are: self-hating/antisemitic bastards.
Some people might argue that this is the logical fallacy known as ad hominem argument (attacking the person making the argument rather than the argument they are making). And your point is...? This ain't no debating club - the future of the state of Israel is at stake! [NARRATOR: Actually, it isn't.] What part of the need to win the argument do you not understand?
The Making Every Conversation a Support Of Zionist Israel Algorithm, like all algorithms before it, is descriptive, not proscriptive. In language that our lawyers didn't make us use, this means that it describes the world as it is, not how we would like it to be. Because who would consciously support a genocide? If that makes us self-hating/antisemitic bastards, we'll just have to live with it.
