by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
Crime reporters are a hardened lot. We drink our sarsaparilla from a dirty glass, if you know what I mean. (And if you do, could you please write to explain it to me?) It's hard to rattle us, much less shake and/or roll us. When you've covered the Pizicotti triple homicide without throwing up for three days and running off to Peru to join a Mexican life cult, you're ready for just about anything.
Except the truth.
Talking at a press conference about the riot that took place outside 51 Division last night, Police Chief Englebert Uptake giggled and said, "Our officers swarmed the protesters, shoving and punching them, kicking ass and taking names. Oopsie. Our bad." He coyly put a hand in front of his mouth to stifle his mirth.
The reporter from the Startle then started to ask, "Follow up, Chief. Would you say that among the protesters were professional agitators who provoked the police resp - wait, what?"
"We threw the first punch," Chief Uptake said. "And the second punchie wunchie. And the third punchie wunchie. And..." By the time he got up to the seventeenth punchie (sorry, but I ate before the presser, so I don't have the wunchies), the officers flanking the Chief looked at each other like they had simultaneously swallowed frogs. "And the thirty-third punchable wunchable," Chief Uptake concluded. "Then, we arrested half a dozen protesters for assaulting police. That got their attention. Well, that and the pepper spray. Henh henh. Our colleagues from 11 Division really love their pepper spray!"
"But...umm...well," a reporter from CP23 1/2 stammered. "You...you were provoked, right?"
"Absolutely," the Chief answered, a serious expression on his face. "They called us piggies. Piggies! Did they really think they could get away with that? They're lucky that only one of them had to go to the hospital!"
The reporter from the Glob and Maul and the reporter from the Stunned looked at each other with matching "Are you hearing what I'm hearing?" expressions of disbelief. Eventually, the Glob reporter asked, "Umm, Chief, are you...feeling alright?"
"Alright?" Chief Uptake replied. "I'm more than alright - I'm gavuncular! Are you seeing the colours I'm seeing? It's like 2001: A Space Odyssey without the pretentious subtext about the purpose of humanity!"
Most of the reporters in the room Gargled "gavuncular" to see if it was really a word. I'm not too proud to admit that I was one of them. Or that I discovered that it isn't.
"But...but...but..." the reporter from Globull News sputtered, "the original press release! It said that one of the protesters was charged with assaulting an officer with a weapon. What was the weapon?"
"A juice box," Chief Uptake answered. "Initial reports are that it was cherry, but I'm waiting for confirmation about that." When he saw the sea of disappointed and confused looks in front of him, the Chief hastily added: "Hey! You don't know how dangerous juice boxes can be. In the right hands, a juice box straw can poke somebody's eye out!"
Sensing an opportunity that doesn't come along often, I asked, "Chief, isn't it true that beating up young protesters is the police's way of compensating for having small penises?"
"Ooh, aren't you a naughty one?" Chief Uptake giggled uncontrollably for several seconds. Then, he put on the kind of serious face somebody puts on when they know they are not capable of being serious. "But, uhh, seriously, though, everything we do is compensation for small penises. Driving around town with lights flashing and sirens blaring? Oh, yeah. Big time compensation. And don't even get me started about how we wield batons! The only exception is Officer 'Moose' Mushmelio. He's hung like an ancient tapestry! Just don't ask me how I know..."
"So," the Glob and Maul reporter summed up, "You expect us to suddenly contradict years of reporting to put the blame on police instead of protesters?"
"It's the truth," Chief Uptake simply stated.
"The truth?" the reporter spat. "What the hell am I supposed to do with the truth‽"
UPDATE: Police Chief Englebert Uptake has been suspended from the force (with pay - we're not barbarians!) while under investigation for being on controlled substances on the job. In a statement to the press, Uptake claimed he had never dropped acid and doesn't know how it could have got into his body, although he now suspects that it was a gag by fellow officers, who gave him a piece of cake they claimed was to celebrate the birthday of Detective Blau Blechmann. Not only did the cake taste "a little off" (but he ate it anyway because Chief Uptake has a particular fondness for foozleberry fondant), but it turns out there never has been a detective on the force named Blau Blechmann.