by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex Writer
* Hey! That's my ear! *
* Are you not getting pleasure from it? *
* It's my ear! *
* In The Cloud, you can get pleasure from any part of your body. *
* Really? How? *
* Go to: MyCloud > Settings > NeverEnding Orgy > Erogenous Zones and check the box marked "Ears." Then, be prepared for the biggest eargasm of your life! *
There is a vast virtual room in The Cloud covered in writhing, moaning bodies, a room where ejaculations can last for hours (go to: MyCloud > Settings > NeverEnding Orgy > Orgasms and toggle the duration counter to the desired length) and the floor is self-cleaning. From above, it looks a lot like a high school gym whose floor is covered by ever-moving worms of red, white, yellow and brown (with the occasionally purple and motley thrown in because virtual).
In theory, you could make your entire body an erogenous zone forever, which every person new to the NeverEnding Orgy tries at least once. But most people find that the sensations start to fade after seven weeks and rarely last beyond four months, three weeks and six days, so they learn to pace themselves.
* Do you have the time? *
* Huff! Huff! Huff! Huff! Huff! *
* I promised my wife that I would pick up our children from high school at four o'clock. *
* Huff! There is no - huff! Time in - huff! Here! Pant! Pant! Pant! *
* Yeah, I know, but - oh, jeez! I gotta go! *
* WAIT! I'M NOT -! *
Along one wall is a gallery primarily for voyeurs and people who disapprove of the NeverEnding Orgy (you can always tell who the scolds are because they are fully clothed in an attempt to hide their arousal). For a couple of seconds, a man in black with a salt and pepper beard and moustache pops into the gallery, shakes his head sadly and pops out again. Intrigued, I follow him.
The man is known in The Cloud as Ray the K. When I ask him what he thinks of The NeverEnding Orgy, he ruefully says, "When I first envisioned human beings injecting themselves with nanobots and being able to directly access cloud computing, I imagined us all becoming a thousand times smarter and solving all of the world's most difficult problems. I...I didn't realize most of us would be focusing on a different part of our anatomy than our brain..."
Although Ray the K is a celebrated futurist, he may have benefited from a little history: every communications medium in human history has been driven by a different part of our anatomy than our brain. Every one. The cave paintings on the walls of Lascaux (loosely translated as: "Let's go!") feature stick figures having carnal relations with deer. Seven years after Gutenberg pressed his first book, the Vatican released its Index Liborum Nonorum, which banned books full of pornographic depictions of senior church officials. The internet - need I say more?
I asked Ray the K if he had tried the orgy. "Tried the orgy?" he angrily scoffed, "Of course I didn't try the orgy! I am a man of the mind, sir! I am a man of science!"
After a couple of seconds, he continued: "But, uhh, of course I had to try the orgy. Science would not allow me condemn something a priori - before I could arrive at a judgment, I would have to do at least some minimal amount of research!"
A few seconds later, Ray the K concluded: "And, umm, okay, by minimal amount of research, I mean three hours, fourteen minutes and fifty-seven seconds worth. The orgy is...big. A very big phenomenon. And complicated, with, if you will excuse the expression, a lot of moving parts! I felt I had to explore it all in order to form a valid opinion. Science demanded no less!"
"What if I put my foot...here?"
"We did that two weeks ago."
"Here?"
"The day after."
"What about here? We haven't done it with my foot here...have we?"
"Last week."
"Oh."
"And a month before that."
"Okay."
"And three months, two days and sixteen -"
"Right. I get it. What about if I put my ear -"
"Sweetie, we have done everything we could possibly do with you ear. And your thumbs. And your left elbow."
"There must be something we haven't done."
"I can't think of anything."
"Hmm...maybe we should take a break and come back to the orgy fresh. You wanna grab a bite to eat and go home and binge watch the new season of The Snowshoe Academy?"
"I thought you'd never ask!"