1) Which gives you more cause for despair: the fact that Neel Kashkari, the official who has been asked to oversee Washington’s $700 billion Wall Street bailout, is only 35 years-old, the fact that he has only worked for the Treasury Department for two years or the fact that he came from Goldman Sachs, one of the companies that got the economy into the mess it’s in in the first place?
a) actually, I’m not despairing for any of those reasons; when the heroin kicks in, boy, everything else just seems to fade into the background…
b) am I concerned that the people and companies that will likely assist in administering the bailout have a conflict of interest because they own or control a lot of toxic debt? Of course not! The government is aware of this problem and has taken steps to ensure that it won’t happen, and they will be effective because everybody knows how good government oversight of Wall Street has been so far…
c) Sarah Palin had only been Governor of Alaska for two years, and look where that got her! Obviously, experience isn’t…umm…I mean…oh, lord, answer a), got any extra heroin?
2) Who said, “My friends, we’ve got them just where we want them?”
a) Thomas Dewey
b) Stephane Dion
c) John McCain
3) When John McCain said, “I screwed up,” what was he talking about?
a) letting Sarah Palin say Democratic opponent Barack Obama “palled around with terrorists”
b) choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate
c) allowing his campaign to do a mailout parodying a food voucher featuring the image of Obama surrounded by chicken, ribs and watermelon
d) saying, “My friends, we’ve got them just where we want them.” (uhh, after Thomas Dewey and Stephane Dion said it…)
e) standing up David Letterman
f) other
4) What does this say about the current state of American politics?
a) the current state of American politics needs to change its diet if it wants to decrease its risk of having a heart attack
b) considering how severe its allergy is, the current state of American politics shouldn’t be dating a guy with cats
c) the current state of American politics watches too much cable TV
5) Who once wrote, “I’ve had my fill of partisan excesses, and I don’t intend to disgrace myself by indulging in them.”
a) Genghis Khan
b) Grover Norquist
c) Grover from Sesame Street
6) According to a headline in the Globe and Mail, “When Wal-Mart sets up shop, local economies get a kick start – though smaller businesses often need to refocus.” What should smaller businesses in this situation focus on?
a) finding a compassionate way to let their employees know they are being laid off because the business is closing
b) finding a simple way to let their suppliers know that they will no longer be buying from them because the business is closing
c) the going out of business sale of their remaining inventory
7) Why is the Iraqi government so dead set against signing the Status of Forces Agreement with the United States?
a) because it would allow American soldiers to be exempt from all Iraqi laws – which would make being in the Al-Maliki government not special any more
b) because it would give the United States complete control over Iraqi airspace, and Iraqis are tired of replacing the glass from windows that have been shattered by sonic booms
c) those Arabs are just a stubborn, irrational bunch, aren’t they?
8) Which of the following songs have been used by the John McCain campaign without the permission of the artist?
a) “Running On Empty” (Jackson Browne)
b) “Barracuda” (Heart)
c) “My Hero” (Foo Fighters)
d) “Pink Houses (John Mellencamp)
e) all of the above
9) Do you have to be ignorant to be a Fox News Pundit, or is it enough to be malicious?
a) ignorant
b) malicious
c) ignorant and malicious
d) hey! What about biased? Your forgot biased! Or, was that implied?
e) other
10) John McCain and Barack Obama have been running for president for two years. TWO YEARS. How is it possible, at this late date, to be undecided about which one to vote for?
a) the nurse in your home keeps the television tuned to The Home Shopping Network (and, the bastards don’t even allow you to buy anything!)
b) I’ve been in a vegetative state since 1980 – is it too late to vote for Ronald Reagan?
c) I get my heroin from the same dealer as answer 1a)
11) What is the most obvious sign of a rift between John McCain and Sarah Palin?
a) when McCain starts making a speech at rallies, Palin tells him: “Talk to the hand”
b) when conducting a joint interview, McCain refers to Palin as “that one”
c) every news station on the continent, except the malicious and possibly ignorant one, runs hysterical stories about the rift between John McCain and Sarah Palin
12) When phrases such as “economic Armageddon” are bandied about, how can you keep your panic in check?
a) invest all of your remaining cash in coca plant derivatives
b) end your subscription to the Report on Business – what? Oh. Okay. Keep your Report on Business subscription, just stop actually reading it
c) set aside “worry time” where you can focus entirely on your anxieties. About 30 minutes a day is long enough. If your worry time exceeds six hours, you should either set up worry time to focus on the length of your worry time, or seek professional help
13) What is a “provisional ballot?”
a) a good substitute for toilet paper
b) that’s a little harsh, don’t you think?
c) perhaps. Let’s say, then, that a provisional ballot is a poor substitute for toilet paper, but a pretty good substitute for Kleenex
d) you do know, do you not, that Kleenex is actually a brand name, and should have a trademark notice after it?
e) you know, you take all the fun out of political satire
14) According to former Bush aide Peter Wehner, “it is a mistake to assume that significant GOP losses, should they occur, are a referendum on conservatism.” What, then, should significant GOP losses be seen as a referendum on?
a) the new album by AC/DC (yeah, they’re still around)
b) Joss Whedon’s new series, Dollhouse
c) Fox’ treatment of Joss Whedon’s new series, Dollhouse
15) According to radio…person Rush Limbaugh, “The Obama recession is in full swing, ladies and gentlemen. Stocks are dying, which is a precursor of things to come. This is an Obama recession. Might turn into a depression.” Considering the fact that Obama doesn’t take power for over two months, and that right wing pundits such as Limbaugh were arguing throughout the campaign that he had little experience in Washington, how does Limbaugh justify blaming the recession on Obama?
a) Obama has secretly snuck into the White House and whispered liberal tax economic policies into President Bush’s ear for at least six years
b) when he was nine years old, Obama, a carrier of the “make stupid investments that will bankrupt your company” gene, brushed up against a future Lehman Brothers chairman in Hawaii, and the disease has been spreading through the investment community ever since
c) Limbaugh has to justify blaming the recession on Obama? Son, let me explain to you how right-wing talk radio works…
16) Richard Dawkins is writing a book for children comparing various myths, including religious myths, to scientific principles. What should the book be called?
a) Hit or Myth
b) Mything Logic
c) Your Parents Are Never Going To Buy This Book For You
17) President Bush doesn’t believe that reregulating the financial industry is the right response to the financial crisis because he doesn’t believe that the financial industry caused it. What does President Bush believe caused the financial crisis?
a) parents reading too much Dr. Seuss to their children (not that he’s pointing any fingers…)
b) the tensile qualities of steel
c) the facile qualities of Remington Steele
18) How has Joe Lieberman been punished by the Democratic Party for campaigning for Republican John McCain during the election and spreading untruths about President-elect Barack Obama?
a) he was allowed to keep the Chairmanship of the Homeland Security Committee, but somebody is going to secretly turn down the thermostat in the room where it meets every day so it’s always chilly
b) he was allowed to continue to caucus with the Democrats, but he’s going to be seated next to the kitchen, and anybody who has ever seen a bad comedy knows how that turns out!
c) Joe Lieberman was punished by the Democratic Party for campaigning for John McCain?
19) According to McCain campaign manager Rick Davis, Sarah Palin thought her interview with Katie Couric would be softer because she was being interviewed by a woman. Softer? Are you serious? Couric asked Palin what her news sources were. That’s hard? What could Couric have asked her that would possibly have been softer?
a) what…is your name?
b) what…is your favourite colour?
c) what…is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
20) Now that the Obama campaign has been successful, they’ll no longer be needing the “Yes, We Can!” slogan. Why, you could probably pick it up for a song, assuming that they’re not giving it away! Who should use it next?
a) the Canadian smelt processing industry
b) the American outplacement service industry
c) any young couple with smiles on their lips, a song in their hearts and not a care in the world for their retirement