Is your small country not invited to big international summits? Does your ambassador have to get coffee for the other 187 countries at the United Nations? Do people keep confusing you with Chad?
You know what would really get the attention of other nations? A nuclear weapon. Nothing makes world leaders sit up and take notice like the possibility that the mad ruler of a small nation has the power to destroy cities. Not even necessarily their cities – being able to destroy any cities will do.
Besides, why should big countries have all the fun?
You say you don’t know how to get nuclear weapons? You would be surprised at how easy it is! Just follow the simple rules outlined below, and start thinking about which country is going to replace you on the UN coffee runs!
1. Abrogate any anti-nuclear proliferation treaties you may be part of.
After all, you may be a blood-thirsty demagogue, but you’re no hypocrite.
Besides, those treaties usually require you to open your nuclear facilities to international inspectors. Nuclear inspectors are like the high school friend you hoped you?d never see again: they arrive at the most inopportune moments and they are genetically incapable of knowing when they have overstayed their welcome (which is usually within five minutes of arriving). Like the guy who can’t work while his friend is partying in the next room, you?ll never be able to get anything done with nuclear inspectors hanging around!
2. Get a lot of money.
We’re talking billions of dollars, or whatever the equivalent amount is in your currency.
If you’re the type of person who would defy international treaties on nuclear arms limitations, you should have no problem stealing enough money to develop a weapons programme. Just build yourself one less golden mansion. Hee hee – just kidding, of course. Build all the golden mansions you feel you deserve. Instead, steal more from export revenues. Go ahead. Who’s going to stop you?
Okay, okay. Get it out of your military black budget the way the United States does. Jesus, don’t be so sensitive. Sorry. I meant, Allah, don’t be so sensitive!
3. Shop for what you need on the black market.
To turn a nuclear power plant into a weapons production facility you will need two things: plans and materials. You can’t just find the plans on the Internet. Well, actually, you probably could just find the plans on the Internet. But, would you trust any information you found on the Internet?
We thought not.
And, lucky you, there’s never been a better time to buy nuclear secrets and materials! Why, Russia, alone, has enough pissed off Generals with access to fissionable materials to supply half the nations of the world with nuclear weapons! Throw in a little Pakistani know-how, and you?ll be running aboveground atomic tests in no time!
One of the major advantages of buying your nuclear information on the black market is tech support. Can you call up a Web site at four in the morning to demand an explanation for why your fissionable material isn’t, uhh, fissioning? Not bloody likely. However, when you buy on the black market, the seller is highly motivated to help you fix your problem. Especially if you killed your brother-in-law and his entire family to get into power in the first place.
4. Start leaking news that you have nuclear weapons.
This is the part world leaders have the most trouble with. You may have to become an international pariah state for a few years. Economic sanctions are not out of the question. If you’re lucky, you?ll become a joke on Saturday Night Live.
Yes, if you’re lucky. You see, you cannot be forgiven for having a nuclear weapons programme if nobody knows you have it. So, suck it up. You may have to hold a rigged election or slow down your programme of torturing enemies to mollify your international critics, but, we assure you that this is a temporary situation.
5. Do the United States a favour.
The United States always seems to be fighting somebody. It’s a thing they do. As long as it isn’t you, this is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for to give your nuclear programme legitimacy.
Fighting another nation isn’t as simple as sending planes in to bomb the shit out of your enemy. It’s almost that simple, but not quite. You need access to air space. You need supply lines to make sure the air force has the fuel to run the planes (and the food to run the pilots). You need communications (so that when the planes bomb the wrong targets, you can quickly deny it to the press). All of these things, and more, have to be supplied by countries in the region.
So, just wait until the United States attacks one of your neighbours, and help it. In return, the US will recognize your right to develop nuclear weapons. And, once the US recognizes you, trust us, nobody will confuse you with Chad ever again.
Sound simple? It is! But, this method has worked for Pakistan and India. Why not make it work for you?