Friesen’s left elbow has six days to decide whether or not to continue with the lawsuit…Ginni Thomas has asked America for an apology for allowing Anita Hill to testify at the confirmation hearings of her husband, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. Publicly, America has stated that it will offer no such apology, although privately America is rumoured to kind of sort of a little bit admire Ginni Thomas’ psychotic chutzpah…The Ties That Bind, an S/M bondage appreciation society, has dropped Mel Gibson from its television advertising. Apparently, his verbal outbursts were too controversial for an organization that promotes public group spankings of people in latex…A poll taken the day after Toronto’s municipal election indicates that 27% of winner Rob Ford’s supporters thought that they were taking a survey of which company’s car they would most like to own, and that they chose Ford because “they didn’t want to own any of them foreign vehicles.” …In anticipation of KFC introducing into Canada the Double Down sandwich, which consists of bacon and cheese between two boneless white meat chicken filets, cardiac specialists across the country are cancelling their golfing plans for the next several years…Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair admitted that charges against around 100 G20 protestors were thrown out because the force failed to obtain proper warrants, while as many as 100 officers could be disciplined for not wearing ID at the summit. Let’s see: 100 days languishing unjustly in a prison versus 100 days docked pay. Interesting math…Yesterday, the Dow Jones had its best returns in over a year. Pundits claim this is because the US election has given the market certainty. Certain gridlock that will leave the legislative process paralyzed and unable to deal with the problems the country faces, but certainty nonetheless…Despite all evidence to the contrary, 30 per cent of Canadians believe that Michael Ignatieff was solely responsible for the country losing its bid for a seat on the United Nations Security Council. “That’s nothing,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper crockled. “Watch what happens when I tell them to all cluck like a chicken at the same time!” …The Hells Angels motorcycle gang is suing fashion design house Alexander McQueen and retail chain Saks for trademark infringement for selling merchandise using the club’s death head designs. “Well,” sniffed Hells Angel Knuckles Poltroon, “we got a public image to uphold, don’t we?” …The most common costume in Toronto this Halloween was Rob Ford. Children seemed confused by it, but their parents were awfully smug…For the third time in as many tries, the word “crockled,” a portmanteau of “crowed” and “chuckled,” has been denied inclusion in the Oxford English Dictionary. “We were amastazounded that this came up again,” editor Shecky Montmorency commented. “I will give supporters of the word this: they are really perstupistend!” …An “ethical wall” is to be erected around Nigel Wright, on temporary leave from Bay Street company Onex to become Prime Minister Harper’s chief of staff, in order to protect him from conflicts of interest. “It’s the same wall we use to keep MPs away from the press,” Harper stated, “so you know it will be completely effective!” …Most people who have watched the situation unfold do not believe that Randy Quaid will be given refugee status in Canada. He has just not convinced anybody that he is being hunted down by Hollywood STAR WHACKERS. Now, if it had been his brother Dennis…According to Senate Still Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, the voters have sent a clear message that his party’s agenda must now rule Washington. The only problem is that the Tea Party appears to have been given the exact same message. And, the Chamber of Commerce…In response to the Canadian government’s decision not to allow Australian mining company BHP to take over Canada’s major potash producer, the company says it is willing to revise its offer. “Let us know what promises you would like us to make,” said a BHP spokesman. “It’s not like we were planning on keeping any of them, so a few more won’t make any difference…” Perennial Republican candidate and avowed non-witch Christine O’Donnell made a gracious concession speech in which she snarled, “You won’t have Christine O’Donnell to kick around any more!” Towards the end, O’Donnell said she would be embarking on a new career as a
NewsSpew for December 21, 2010
