Hallo! Lovely ladies, this piece of writing is not for you. If you have stumbled upon it on your way to a recipe, perhaps, or maybe something about clothing that will make you even more attractive to manly men such as myself, please let your man know that it is here and go look for what you were hoping to find. Is he here? Good.
Men! You are seriously wanting to get it on with the ladies, no? Of course you are! But, you are thinking that they are strange and mysterious creatures, these women of whom I speak, who you could not possibly talk to, let alone get it on with, yes? NO! I, Manuel Montana Smithson Manischewitz am here to tell you that you, too, as sad and lonely as you may be, can also be getting it on with ladies!
Manuel Montana Smithson Manischewitz, I hear you ask, how is such a thing possible for somebody as sad and lonely as me? Well, I, Manuel Montana Smithson Manischewitz, have considered my vast experience with getting it on with the ladies and distilled my knowledge into a very simple series of steps. If you follow these steps, which are very simple, you will find yourself getting it on with the ladies in no time!
What follows are the steps you must follow. Follow them! Follow them now! And get it on! With the ladies!
| 1. | Do I feel like going out tonight and cruising for fabulous ladies? | |
| NO | 2. | Are you serious? Of course I feel like going out tonight and cruising for fabulous ladies! I feel like going out and cruising for fabulous ladies every night! Are you sure I really don’t want to go out tonight cruising for the ladies? |
| YES | 3. | You know, you’re right. I am just too fabulous to waste my time cruising for the ladies tonight. Tonight, I will stay home, make popcorn and watch Dancing with the Stars. Fabulous! |
| YES | 4. | Do I have a lot of moolah, scratch, shekels, simoleons, dead Presidents or brass in pocket? |
| YES | 5. | I go to a bar. |
| NO | 6. | I go to the Laundromat. |
| 7. | After scoping out the joint, do I see any ladies fabulous enough to share my fabulousness with me? | |
| NO | 8. | I have one drink or do a small load of whites and go home. It’s still early, and I should be able to buy popcorn on the way and watch Dancing with the Stars. |
| YES | 9. | These fabulous ladies that I have scoped out, are they with somebody else? |
| YES | I GO TO 7. | |
| NO | 10. | I confidently sidle up to the side of the fabulous lady. |
| 11. | Am I feeling fabulously frisky? | |
| YES | 12. | I say something like: “How do you do it? From across the room, I could sense the fabulous power of your touch. May I buy you a drink and explore the possibilities of a fabulously sensual evening?” |
| NO | 13. | Am I feeling fabulously intellectual? |
| YES | 14. | I say something like: “You…you are like Bernouli’s Theorem – so brilliant, so sensual. May I pull up a seat and discuss thermal dynamics with you?” |
| NO | 15. | I say something like: “I’ve forgotten if they’re green or they’re blue. Anyway, the thing is, what I really mean: yours are the most fabulous eyes I’ve ever seen.” |
| 16. | Does the fabulous lady recognize my fabulousness and agree that if we spent the night together, it would be, well, fabulous? | |
| YES | 17. | I take the fabulous lady back to my fabulous pad to have a fabulous night of wildness! Score! |
| NO | 18. | Did I scope out any other fabulous ladies in the joint? |
| YES | I GO TO 10. | |
| NO | 19. | I go home. But, the evening has not been a total waste. I pick up popcorn on the way and go home to watch Dancing with the Stars…on TIVO! |
Notes
Manuel Montana Smithson Manischewitz is not a licenced sex therapist and makes no claims on the efficacy of his method. The mileage in your bed may vary. Do not attempt while under a doctor’s care. If burning, itching, oozing or a persistent sense of nausea occurs, seek a doctor’s care. Not valid with any other offer. Void where prohibited by the laws of gravity, Moore or diminishing returns.