1) The Sunday morning news shows after Osama bin laden was killed featured nine former Bush officials or conservatives as guest commentators and only three liberals (and only one Democratic representative). Why the three to one ratio?
a) all the liberals in Washington were getting their hair done that morning and weren’t available
b) there were actually three lefties on the morning news? There’s your liberal bias in the media right there, pal!
c) Hollywood Squares was always more fun when everybody gave the same answer
d) other
2) One of these things is not like the other ones. One of these does not belong. One of these things is not like the other ones. Can you find it before I finish my…sarong?
a) Mel Gibson
b) Randy Quaid
c) Paul Gross
d) Charlie Sheen
3) Last week, Finance Minister Jim Flaherty promised that the Conservatives would not only balance the federal budget but show a surplus by 2015. This week, Finance Minister Jim Flaherty said that balancing the federal budget by 2015 would not be possible. What happened in the week between these statements?
a) the Tories won a majority government, so they don’t need your vote any more
b) the Tories won a majority government, so they don’t need to pander to economists any more
c) Thursday
4) Who do you think would win in a fair fight – Hazel from Girls with Slingshots or Maura from Diesel Sweeties?
a) Bananabelle from Minimum Security
b) Henmellyn from Pibgorn
c) she may not have red hair, but Pam from Brewster Rockit could probably take them all on (she has…rage issues)
5) Are you really a millionaire if much of your wealth is tied up in your home?
a) are you really a millionaire if you have a million dollars?
b) are you really a billionaire if much of your wealth is invested in stocks that make you even more wealth?
c) are you really a journalist if you ask stupid questions?
6) Okay, look: asbestos is banned in Canada because it has been conclusively proven to be a health hazard. The science on this is pretty clear cut. So, why do we still mine it and sell it to foreign countries?
a) they have no studies on the health effects of asbestos, so it must be safe to use in their countries
b) people in those countries are sick of using chicken dung to insulate their homes, and, really, who can blame them?
c) better than digging it up and leaving it lying around Canadian streets somewhere!
d) other
7) Fill in the blank: “Tear gas and rubber bullets end _________________ protest.”
a) Bahrain
b) Israel
c) Smurf Land
8) Al Qaeda is “yesterday’s news,” a global security summit is told. Even bin Laden’s one-time mentor agrees. So, what should we fear next?
a) broccoli. It’s green and it’s shifty and I don’t think it has our best interests at heart
b) a Charlie Sheen comeback on network TV
c) people who believe we have to have something to fear
9) Which Bob Dylan song lyric sums up your love life?
a) “There’s something going on here, but you don’t know what it is, do you, Mister Jones?” (you may have to change your name to make this answer work)
b) “Come you masters of war. You that build all the guns. You that build the death planes. You that build all the bombs.” (okay, if you chose this answer, please let me know so I can change my name and move out of the country before you can find me)
c) “The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.” (this answer may apply to the question as a whole; if love life persists, consult a romance columnist)
10) Okay, so Anthony Weiner’s wiener has resigned its seat in the House of Representatives thanks to a sex scandal in which no sex was actually involved. Who comes off the worst in this whole – you should pardon the expression – affair?
a) Republicans, who hounded a man out of office who hadn’t had sex or broke any laws while remaining silent on one of their own, David Vitter, who had sex and broke the law, thereby putting the hip back in hypocrisy
b) Democrats, who couldn’t wait to Shirley Sherrod one of their most effective members
c) the press, which has exhausted the possibility of an original wiener joke for several generations to come
11) Why is Hollywood so intent on remaking old TV series as movies?
a) be reasonable: they can’t make movies based on TV series that haven’t aired yet!
b) be reasonable: they can’t make movies based on amusement park ri – oh, wait, maybe they can…
c) be unreasonable: they can’t make movies based on cereal boxes because…because…I’m ready for my three picture deal, Mister deMille
12) Why don’t Canadian politicians have the same kind of sex scandals that American politicians seem to love so much?
a) I know, right? Considering the fact that Canada is the most wired country in the world, you would have thought our politicians would be world leaders in sexting scandals! I guess our politicians just don’t have the same ambition as American politicians do
b) Pierre Trudeau took all the fun out of sex scandals (as he did so many things)!
c) we tried it once, but Prime Minister Mackenzie Bowell had already endured so much ridicule for his name that nobody really had the heart to go through with it
13) Who or what is a sphygmomanometer?
a) wasn’t he Jimmy Carter’s National Security Adviser?
b) it’s that thing…you know, that thing that…that…that’s part of your car…oh, oh, oh…it’s under the hood and…and the car can’t run without it…it…it…it’s…oh, I’m thinking of the engine. Sorry…
c) I don’t know, and my ignorance makes my blood boil!
14) Pakistan has arrested five people who helped the United States find and kill Osama bin Laden. One rented out his home in Abbotabad to CIA-affiliated observers. Another copied the licence plates of cars visiting bin Laden’s compound in the weeks before the raid. What were the charges?
a) being unclear on who their allies are
b) being unclear on who their enemies are
c) being a litterbug
15) What the hell is a “CIA-affiliated observer?”
a) a person who [REDACTED]
b) a different person who [REDACTED]
c) yet another person who [REDACTED BEYOND ALL HUMAN UNDERSTANDING OF REDACTEDNESS]
16) The White House has argued that, despite the War Powers Act, it does not have to seek authorization from Congress for its actions in Libya because they stop short of being war. If not war, what exactly is the United States doing in Libya?
a) dropping explosions of cotton candy on the country
b) hunting unicorns (the dead civilians are just collateral damage)
c) nobody in the administration is certain, but when they figure it out, they’ll be sure to let the American people know
17) Australian Prime Minister Julia Gillard, who refused to meet revered Nobel Peace Prize winner the Dalai Lama, insisted that it wasn’t because of pressure from China, which considers him something of a separatist rat fink. Okay. What was the reason she refused to see him?
a) she’s allergic to saffron
b) she had already scheduled a meeting with her…her…you know, some members of her…other politicians to talk about…umm…you know, things and stuff…
c) she thought he was the Ialad Amal, the Daila Lama’s evil twin, and she knew from too many hours spent watching old murder mysteries on TV that that could only end badly
18) Who said, “How dare they throw their bodies in front of our bullets, grenades and bombs! Their leadership has clearly instructed its people to die at our hands so that they could have a propaganda victory at our expense. Don’t let them fool you!”? Who did they say it about?
a) the Israeli government said it about Palestinians
b) the American government said it about Iraqis
c) Sauron said it about the Fellowship of the Ring
19) Which of the following job titles would you most like to have?
a) Vice President in Charge of Organic Pedantry
b) Director of Zombie Enlightenment
c) Chief Dill Popsicle
d) are you kidding me? I didn’t spend six years of my life and $40,000 to get an MBA so I could be a “Chief Happiness Officer!” If I’m not ruining somebody’s life, I’m not using my education properly!
e) other
20) According to Stephen Harper, Canada can start bringing its troops home from Afghanistan because we have been victorious in the war. Fighting continues, women’s rights are quickly deteriorating, civil society is still in a shambles and the government is fundamentally corrupt. In what way, exactly, have we been victorious?
a) none of our troops got cooties
b) the Americans know that Canada kicks ass, so they will be sure to…let us fight in their wars in the future…
c) because the Prime Minister said so, and he has a majority now, so you either listen to him or you’ll be sent to your room without your Welfare check!