1) Conservative Treasury Board Secretary Stockwell Day claims that prisoners of war protected by the Geneva Conventions have to give less information to the government than people who fill out the long form census. What does this tell us about Stockwell Day?
a) he believes the Canadian government is at war with the population
b) his hair is on too tight
c) appearing in the pink wet suit on a Jet Ski was the high point of his political career
2) Match the activity with the professional who is most likely to carry it out. I irrigate a:
a) ditch.
b) field.
c) wound.
i) lawyer
ii) race car driver
iii) shoe polisher at the train depot
3) Do you think Andrew Breitbart wakes up every morning and asks himself, “Hmm…what prominent black politician’s character should I assassinate today?”
a) yes, and I love him for it
b) no, and I love him for it
c) wait a minute! Wait just a minute! How does that character assassin end up looking good no matter how I answer this question?
4) A literary award named for H. G. Wells received no entries this year. Why would that be the case?
a) all of the possible stories that could be written already have been, so we should probably all take our fathers’ advice and become accountants now
b) putting all their advertising in Blonde Bimbos In Bondage magazine may, in retrospect, have been bad marketing
c) could it be because THE RULES DIDN’T ALLOW ANYBODY TO SUBMIT A SCIENCE FICTION STORY? HUNH? WHAT DO YOU THINK? YOU THINK THAT NO SCIENCE FICTION STORIES BEING ALLOWED MIGHT HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT? I can’t believe I have to tell you this…
5) If Conrad Black is allowed back in Canada, how long will it take him to sue somebody for defamation in order to stop them from criticizing him?
a) two months, three days, six hours and 27 minutes
b) oh, about 27 seconds
c) I’m sorry, did you – did you really ask that? Have you no heart? Conrad Black spent time in prison – was a model citizen – and, you have the nerve to ask such a question? Do you not believe in rehabilitation? You’re a heartless bastard, you know that? I hope Conrad Black sues you for defamation before he’s allowed back in Canada!
d) uhh, too late: he already is suing people and he hasn’t been allowed back yet, but thanks for playing
6) Do you have a burning question for Hugh Hefner?
a) yes, but I doubt Hugh Hefner wants to answer a question about my burning
b) no. I’m sure that if there is an aspect of his life that hasn’t already been covered in the press, it’s something I wouldn’t want to know about
c) yes: do you ever think, late at night, in the back of your mind, when your attention is distracted, “Ooh, my life has really become icky, hasn’t it?”
d) other
7) There seem to be a lot of Advertising Standards Canada ads in newspapers telling us about how honest advertising is. Why do you think that’s the case?
a) newspapers aren’t getting enough real advertising, and they have to fill the space with somethi – what? Too soon?
b) some advertiser is about to try and pull a whopper on us, and this is an attempt to preemptively soften the blow
c) placing these ads is the only thing the Advertising Standards Canada does (other than clearing advertisers of any wrongdoing when complaints are lodged, but they’d rather you didn’t think about that…)
8) What is a nurdle?
a) the hurdle a nerd has to go through to be socially accepted
b) a wave shaped toothpaste blob that doesn’t occur in nature, but predominates in advertising (does the Advertising Standards Canada know about this?)
c) a girdle for Nazarenes
d) other
9) Former Transport Minister John Baird has promised he will be less combative now that he has been chosen Conservative House Leader. How will the new attitude manifest itself?
a) when he derides an opposition member of Parliament, he’ll do it on pink paper and use hearts to dot his “i”s
b) when he derides anybody protesting any Conservative policy, he will be sure to praise them for contributing to civil political discourse before he cuts them to ribbons
c) he will lock himself in a room and never come out
10) Are you the man you want to be?
a) no: the man I wanted to be was taken, so I had to settle for what I could get
b) yes, but the man I want to be is trapped in a woman’s body
c) are you asking me a question about…feelings? I don’t do feelings questions, okay?
11) Elizabeth Warren is the perfect person to head the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau: she is smart, she is committed to the cause and, let’s face facts, it was her idea in the first place. What excuse will the White House use for nominating somebody else to the position?
a) we wanted her, really we did, but she was called away to deal with a family pet emergency, and we had to fill the position right away
b) Glenn Beck would have made fun of her on his show, and we couldn’t possibly live with her if we put ourselves through that
c) Democrats only control the White House and both Houses of Congress – with such little power, you can’t expect them to get every item on their legislative agenda passed!
12) Richard Stursberg is no longer CBC Executive Vice President, although his departure is being characterized as neither a firing nor a resignation. What was it?
a) a fresigniring, a neologism that is sure to become big in the business press (although it won’t actually be defined until it has gone out of use)
b) a popular brand of suppository
c) a hit new daytime game show: Name That Executive Decision!
13) White House press secretary Robert Gibbs told The Hill newspaper: “They will be satisfied when we have Canadian health care and we’ve eliminated the Pentagon.” Which “they” was Gibb talking about?
a) the cast of the hit musical Dream Girls
b) all those people walking the streets of Anytown, USA muttering to themselves as they sip their effete lattes, “We have to eliminate the Pentagon – what are we doing about eliminating the Pentagon? – we have to eliminate the Pentagon now – oh, please, please, pretty please, let us eliminate the Pentagon!”
c) oh, don’t….don’t tell me he was talking about people on the left. Please, please, pretty please, don’t dis your base…again!
14) What could Gibbs possibly have against the Canadian health care system?
a) the Canadian health care system killed his sister, her husband and their dog…and he really loved that dog
b) the Canadian health care system has been trash talking the President ever since he was elected, and Gibbs is very protective of his Commander-in-Chief
c) you may have thought it was Iraq, but, actually, it was the Canadian health care system that was responsible for 9/11
15) General David Petraeus, in two separate interviews for major media, has said that he could well advise against President Obama’s stated policy of drawing down troops in Afghanistan starting in 2011. Why has he not been fired?
a) President Obama loves a man in uniform
b) next in line to take over in Afghanistan would be Jerry Lewis, and the President believes that the situation is not quite desperate enough for that
c) he didn’t say it in a pinko commie hippie rag, so his judgment is still beyond question
16) If the recession is over, why am I still unemployed?
a) you must be one of those hordes of people who prefer to sit on their lazy, fat asses and collect welfare. Get off your lazy, fat ass and get a job you…you…you lazy fat ass!
b) that was rather harsh, wasn’t it?
c) what? Are you one of those academic fatheads who think we should coddle lazy fat asses? Or…or…maybe you’re one of the fat cats making a good living in the Welfare industry!
d) I – umm – oh! – sorry
17) RCMP Chief Superintendant Marty Cheliak, a very public supporter of the long gun registry the Conservative government would like to abolish, has been reassigned – fresignired, if you will – to another duty a week before he was supposed to give a presentation on firearms safety to the annual meeting of Canadian police chiefs. What is your reaction?
a) there are bureaucrats in Ottawa still willing to speak out against government policy? I’m stunned, frankly. Just…stunned
b) good for the Prime Minister! We can’t have RCMP officers going around…shooting their mouths off! Ha ha – long gun registry? Shooting their mouths off? Get it? Ha ha ha! I kill me sometimes!
c) Conservative support for our men and women in police forces across the country is steadfast, unwavering and whole-hearted – unless it’s politically inconvenient, in which case it isn’t
18) In response to President Obama praising the AFL-CIO for helping him stand up to “special interests,” Fox News Personality Glenn Beck said: “Special interest! What planet have I landed on? Did I slip through a worm hole in the middle of the night and this looks like America? It’s like the damn planet of the apes. Nothing makes sense!” How, exactly, is Obama’s speech like the movie Planet of the Apes?
a) Charlton Heston starred in both
b) the Statue of Liberty is half-buried in sand in both
c) I don’t know – we’ll have to wait until Beck stops having these fever dreams so we can ask him
19) The United States has pulled all of its “combat” troops out of Iraq. Only a triflingly small amount of American soldiers – no more than 50,000 – remain in the country. Now that the Iraq war is over, whatever will they do with themselves?
a) give the foreign mercenaries in Iraq somebody to protect
b) play cards, get drunk, and have children with local women that they will abandon once they are rotated home
c) aid the Iraqis in developing their oil resources – and, when we say aid the Iraqis in developing their oil resources, we really mean oversee the Iraqi development of their oil resources – and, when we say oversee the Iraqi development of their oil resources, we really mean run the Iraqi development of their oil resources – but, uhh, don’t quote us because we don’t really mean it
20) Which of the following statements are you most likely to agree with?
a) “I do believe everybody has a right to freedom of religion, but Islam is not about religion. It’s a political government and it’s 100 per cent against our Constitution.”
b) “I do believe everybody has a right to freedom of religion, but Christianity is not about religion. It’s a political government and it’s 100 per cent against our Constitution.”
c) “I do believe everybody has a right to freedom of religion, I just don’t believe that everybody has a right to freedom of religion.”