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The Suspense Is Killing Us (Sometimes Literally…)
The Case of the Shebougamoo Strangler
Constable Gustaffson Bennetard
McClelland & Stewart
$126,000 in court costs
Constable Gustaffson Bennetard knows how to bring the fiction on the witness stand. I was a huge fan of The Case of the Trafficking Jam, where he managed to create an entire drug cartel conspiracy from an unpromising six marijuana plants. While it doesn’t necessarily live up to that high standard, The Case of the Shebougamoo Strangler is a fantastic read.
If I have one criticism of Constable Bennetard’s oeuvre, it is his overreliance on the “I could have sworn I saw the perpetrator take out a weapon” plot point, which has appeared, in one form or another, in all of his works. But, given the depth of his imagination, this is a minor quibble.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2012/04/28/476787.html]
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They Bared Their Souls
We Baird Our Fangs
More than 280,000 people who have been waiting since before 2008 for a decision on their immigration files could soon be removed from the list by the Conservative government. “It’s a matter of fairness, isn’t it?” mused Immigration Minister Jason Kenney.
Critics wondered how fair it was to drop without notice or appeal people who came to Canada in good faith and played by the rules in place at the time they arrived. “Have you met my good friend John Baird?” Kenney responded with a smirk. “He would be delighted to answer all your questions. At length. At very high decibel levels.”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/vanityfairness.htm]
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1. Coping With Childish Temper Tantrums
2. Getting Pablum Stains Out Of Business Suits
3. Aaaaand…That’s About It, Really…
“Leverage lessons learned from the sandbox in work life
Stay-at-home parents develop valuable skills that serve them well when they return to the workplace”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1379734628]
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Put A Hoody On His MedicAlert Pendant And Call Him Done
A grand jury met Wednesday to consider whether charges should be filed in the police shooting of retired Marine Kenneth Chamberlain Sr., who was killed when police, responding to a false alarm from his LifeAid MedicAlert pendant, burst into his White Plains apartment, tasered him and shot him dead on November 19, 2011.
The police claimed at the time that the pendant shouted drunken, slurred obscenities at them when they arrived on the scene and threatened them with what appeared to be a gun, even though a subsequent investigation into the shooting found it to be a bag of corn chips. Family members now argue that there are problems with this stated sequence of events.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1104749635263790.xml]
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Palindrome? The Palindrome Of The Comedy Hall Of Fame Would Be…Unpronounceable!
The Comedy Hall of Fame of Manhattan is suing the National Comedy Hall of Fame in St. Petersburg, Florida, claiming that it has exclusive rights to the name.
“Pfft!” National Comedy Hall of Fame President Tony Belmont pffted. “Our Hall of Fame is…it’s a parody! Yeah. A parody! That’s what it is. Jeez! You would have thought that people calling themselves a Comedy Hall of Fame would have understood that concept!”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2012/2012/04/27/nolaughing matter/]
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You Say Potato, I Say Partisan Hack
Same Difference – People Change Their Social Roles From Time To Time
Okay, so, here’s the thing: you can be a Prime Minister who wants Canadians to learn more about and be prouder of their history, or you can be a partisan hack who distorts the historical record of your opponents to score cheap political points. But, you cannot be both.
The Stephen Harper who wants Canadians to know more about their history would have to point out to the political hack Stephen Harper that the NDP didn’t exist until 1961, long after the war was over. He might go on to say that, although the leader of the CCF was a pacifist who opposed the war, the rest of the CCF caucus supported the war, even to the point of voting in favour of conscription, a very divisive issue in the country.
The political hack Stephen Harper would, of course, respond with a snarled, “You think we live in a reality based world? Did you learn nothing from your meeting with Karl Rove?”
Of course, there’s a word for people who argue with themselves like this, and a place where they are more than welcome to do so…
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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We Lose More DAs That Way…!
A shootout in Tampa Bay outside the Republican nominating convention has left seven people dead and at least 12 injured. Early police reports suggest that the cause of the shooting was a water pistol.
“I looked at the water gun,” said Waldo Putz-Mann, a delegate to the convention, “and I thought, ‘Is that bastard gonna squirt me?’ I couldn’t let that happen – my ‘Impeach Obama’ t-shirt was suede – so I fired a warning shot in the air. That’s about the time all hell broke loose.”
Tampa Bay had banned water guns but, owing to a Florida state law, the city was banned from banning actually guns. In response to the incident, Tampa Bay’s District Attorney is considering a wide range of actions, from passing the case along to a State’s Attorney to taking early retirement.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2012-08-29-banned-of-bothers_x.htm]
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Detention Diary: A Glimmer Of Light At The End Of The Septic Tank
WEEK EIGHTEEN
“That’s where you’re wrong,” I told the cockroach. “Wittgenstein would be a lousy goalie! Sure, he may be good at covering the angles, but his reflexes aren’t strong enough. I would put him on right wing on the Nietzsche line -”
“All of the forwards on the Nietzsche line play right wing,” Phil pointed out to me. “That doesn’t seem like a good on-ice strategy.”
“Would he be better…on the Marx line?” I mused.
“He’d be better on the bench,” the cockroach commented. “Do you want to win debates or games?”
I was about to state that putting together a fantasy philosophy hockey league was hard when I noticed something unusual. “Do you hear that?” I asked.
“Hear what?” the cockroach responded, waggling its antennae. “I don’t hear anything.”
“Exactly. What happened to the music?”
Before either of us could ponder this change in the environment, the door to my cell opened. “Come on, you,” a guard said. “Time to have a shower.”
“What’s a shower?” I asked.
“Don’t be a smartass,” the guard said. “It hasn’t been that long.”
As we shuffled through the prison towards the showers, I asked the guard why I was being given this privilege now.
“You may have a visitor,” he informed me.
“My lawyer?” I asked, hopeful.
“It’s good to see you still have your sense of humour,” the guard answered, humourlessly.
After the shower, I was given a new prison uniform and a haircut. The prison uniform was bulky and tended not to show off my figure, and the haircut was, let’s be honest, severe. Still, it made me feel more alive than I had felt in weeks.
The feeling drooped after a few hours of solitude. The feeling sagged noticeably after the first day without an actual visitor. The feeling deflated substantially after the second day without a visitor. The feeling officially vanished on the third day, when the loud music returned.
W, as the kids these days say, TF?
SOURCE: Harpo’s
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/05/06/dd-9000018]
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