Thank you, Matt Remonial, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read that restaurants were slowly phasing out our favourite condiment. We stoked up the outrage machine and wrote a blistering editorial with the headline: “We don’t relish the thought!” Well. Our copy editors threatened to commit group seppuku if we insisted on that headline. Fair enough – copy editors are easy enough to come by (and, frankly, commit ritual disembowelment far too easily). Unfortunately, every time we tried to format the headline ourselves, our computer froze on us. After the seventh time, we got the idea that everybody in the office except us – including, apparently, all of the inanimate objects – disapproved. So, let us just say that we are disturbed about the disappearance of relish in restaurants.
Did…did that get through? It did? Phew. Ketchup with you later!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Still, It’s Better Than The Original Draft Of The Law, Which Said That Every Modern Pregnancy Began With Eve
Conservative Arizona lawmakers have proposed a law stating that human life begins “with the first glint in a father’s eye.” If enacted, this would be the first law in the United States – and quite possibly anywhere ever – that would define pregnancy as something that actually happens before a woman is pregnant.
“Pregnancy isn’t just the coming together of a…a…a sperm and an egg,” explained Arizona Governor Jan Brewer. “It’s more, a mystical state of being conferred on matter by a merciful god. And, since god is omniscient, he knew everybody who was going to be born way back when he created the universe. So…umm…if anything, this law doesn’t go far enough!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2012Apr11.html]
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Tacky As Always! Tacky As Always! Thank Goodness Conservatives Are Tacky As Always!
“Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!”
– Martin Luther King, from the “I have a dream” speech
“Free at last! Free at last! Law-abiding Canadians are finally free at last.”
– Tory MP John Williamson, from the “Canada has a nightmare” speech celebrating the end of the long gun registry
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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I Liked It Better As A Rancid Song
The National Rifle Association has been lobbying the Alaska legislature to adopt a “Stand Your Ground” law similar to the one used in Florida by George Zimmerman to justify killing Trayvon Martin only one month ago.
“What?” said NRA spokesweasel Terrence “Poppa” Gandhi. “We waited until the body was cold in the ground! For us, that’s compassion!”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2012/ALLPOLITICS/04/12/reps.main/index.html]
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Better Than Lefts And Idiotocracy…
Maybe…
We Hope…
The Harper Government of Canada has completely cut funding for the human rights agency Rights & Democracy. But, this should come as no surprise: the government has long been a vocal supporter of Wrongs & Autocracy.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
8908591831890&call_pageid=890335278890&col=890666972890]
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Progressive Taxation Meets Regressive Tax Base
ETHNIC CLEANSING (noun): the mass expulsion and killing of one ethic or religious group in an area by another ethnic or religious group in that area.
JIM DOAKE, MONEY MANAGER OF MEGANTIC ASSET MANAGEMENT (expletive): moron (see picture).
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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CTV Emily Play (No Longer)
After 27 years, Fashion Television will no longer be stalking the catwalks of the world. Now where will boys get to glimpse scantily clad supermodels?
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Hey! I Didn’t Say That It Was In A Good Way!
seven/eleven or craps) What recent action by the Harper Government of Canada really cemented the country’s reputation in the international community?
a) being the most active country in the world to block the Palestinian bid for statehood at the United Nations
b) gutting Canada’s foreign aid in the government’s recent budget
c) standing firm with the United States at the Summit of the Americas against mollycoddling the worst threat in the world today: Cuba
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Detention Diary: Some Hells Contain Mirrors, Other Hells Force You To Cut Yourself Shaving
WEEK SIXTEEN
Morale in the courtyard during our hour of exercise was not very high.
Beardy was even more gaunt than I remembered him when we first didn’t meet. At least, I assumed it was the dark-skinned man with the scraggly beard that I had called Beardy the first time I saw him across the exercise yard. The half dozen other dark-skinned men at his end of the yard were also gaunt and their beards had also grown scraggly. For all I knew, Beardy could actually have been Other Beardy. He probably wasn’t Chuck, although I couldn’t be certain even of that.
They milled about, mostly; when they were prodded to move, they shuffled with a distinct lack of energy. They looked like robots whose batteries were about to run out. Gaunt, scraggly robots wearing tattered, grimy clothes, but the batteries running out part was accurate enough.
I wanted to yell encouragement, to tell them I understood what they were going through. I opened my mouth, but it occurred to me that this might be misinterpreted by the people who were holding me captive as a sign that I was working with the other prisoners. If they didn’t believe that already, in which case it would just confirm for them that I was working with the other prisoners. I had to couch my encouragement in such a way as to make it seem I wasn’t actually on Beardy and company’s side.
After some reflection, I shouted, “You guys look like shit!” I hoped that they would get the message.
All but one of the other prisoners ignored me. With great effort, Probably Although I Cannot Be 100 Per Cent Certain It Was Beardy looked up from his shuffling in the direction of my voice. He had eyes deader than Madonna’s acting career.
“Seriously!” I repeated. “You guys look like shit!” I was hoping that Whichever Beardy I Was Actually Talking To would read between the lines and realize that I was trying to convey solidarity with him, trying to say, in essence, “What they’re doing to all of us is horrible, isn’t it?” But, when I looked into those Madonna acting career dead eyes, I doubted that he knew what I was talking about. (The possibility that he didn’t speak English didn’t occur to me until long after I got home. What can I tell you? I wasn’t exactly thinking straight…)
“You guys look like shit?” Phil, the Apparently Unkillable Philosophical Cockroach, said when I explained what had happened in the exercise yard. “That’s how you show your solidarity with the other prisoners?”
“It was a difficult situation,” I weakly protested.
“Babe,” Phil said, “have you looked in the mirror lately?”
SOURCE: Harpo’s
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/04/22/dd-9000016]
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Umm…Because It Would Tell OTHER People, Too?
One line in the Conservative budget announced that it would completely cut funding to the National Council of Welfare. The organization had been highlighting pockets of need and warning policy makers of the consequences of neglecting those in need since 1962.
“The Council just seemed…redundant,” Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Human Resources Kellie Leitch explained the move. “The Harper Government of Canada understands perfectly well how its policies will impact the poor in this country – why should it pay an organization to tell it what it already knows?”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20120412.eladvote0412_@/BNStory/newsYouWerentSupposedToSeeThat2012/]
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Sparks Fly When Clean Oil Meets Dirty Politics
A new American study, building on previous studies, has found that hydraulic fracking, a method of releasing natural gas by using chemical-laced fluids to break up the shale that contains it, leads to small earthquakes.
“Let’s not make more of this than there is,” said Preserving Nature for Future Generations, an oil and natural gas lobby group, spokesman Jean-Paul Gaull. “More people die of mining disasters every year than have died from fracking-induced earthquakes in the past decade or two. I mean, do you like heating your house, or what?”
When journalists at his press conference shook their heads sadly, Gaull smiled and said, “Tell you what. Put casters on the couch in your den and, when there’s an earthquake, pretend you’re on a roller coaster. There. You have a cheap source of energy and entertainment! What more could you possibly ask of the resource sector?”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/science/national/2012-04-10-frack-the-natural-gas-industry_x.htm]
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Sounds Very Much Like The Pot Calling The Kettle Satan
North Korean leader Kim Jong Un told the international community that his country will not be bullied into ending its quest for nuclear weapons after the latest test in which a long-range rocket turned into dryer lint just after launch.
North Korea.
Will not be bullied.
North freaking Korea.
The Absurd Ironyometer would suggest that Kim be forced to watch Lee Hirsch’s film on the subject, but it is afraid that he would see the film as a how-to manual.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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