Thank you, David David Bruno, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, it was just an innocent suggestion that we thought was a good idea: white men going up to a random woman of colour and giving them flowers and candy. After all, it was Valentine’s Day and Black History Month – what better way to celebrate? Our lawyers have advised us to apologize profusely to the men who have been slapped with restraining orders.
Some people are just racists with no romance in their souls, we guess.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Science Fiction LOLCats: Beyond The Fringe
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Have You Ever Been To Brampton?
8pm. Monday. Sun TV. All Request Hour. The government asks that a story be covered on the “news” network, and Sun TV reporters get right on it. Tonight: a citizenship ceremony where six of the eight adults taking the pledge are already citizens; an independent study (released by the Israeli government) says that Iran has over 1,000 nuclear weapons and is aiming to obliterate Israel, Washington and, for some inexplicable reason, parts of Brampton, and; a hard-hitting report on why working until they die of exhaustion is actually good for old people.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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It’s Segway Or The Highway…
Have you seen the Personal Urban Mobility and Accessibility vehicle? This two person, two wheel electric vehicle looks awesome! We don’t want to drive it – who knows what badness might ensue? – but we bet it will look spectacular in an episode of Eureka!
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/120125/geeklynews/01pumapumapuma.htm]
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The Candidates Were Hoping Voters Would Be Mesmerized By His Hair
Donald Trump has fooled everybody by endorsing Whoopi Goldberg for President.
Yesterday, representatives of Newt Gingrich’s campaign told reporters they were sure that Trump would announce his support for their candidate. Obviously, the signals they were getting were smoke.
Mitt Romney’s response to Trump’s endorsement was, “What – I don’t have enough money to impress him?” Always keenly attuned to the public ear, Mitt is.
Why did Trump endorse Goldberg? “Hey, I’m the Donald!” he explained. “I’m the wild card. The Trickster with a vault-full of inherited money! Nobody tells me what to do – not even me!”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2012-02-04-donald-doesn’t-duck_x.htm]
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Oh, And, The Eighties Called – They Want Their Synths Back!
A video posted to Youtube features supermodel Adriana Lima waving a flag in slow motion for five hours. Five hours!
The video is apparently a teaser for a Super Bowl ad featuring Lima. I should probably tell you what the product was, but that would have meant having to pay attention to the ad itself, and, frankly, I was kind of distracted.
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Think You’ve Got A Sensible Approach To Planned Parenthood? Boy, Have You Got Another Thing Komen!
For most folks, having a baby boy is
An occasion that is hugely joyous.
Parents, though, might feel a little haunted
If the child was not really wanted.
They might even feel very annoyed if
The pregnancy could have been avoided.
Oops.
We thought that we were doing good
By pulling our funds from Planned Parenthood.
Our main objective, breast cancer screening,
Is easier to do without anti-abortion zealots’ loud screaming
Outside our front window.
(They can be very unpleasant, you know.)
Our bad.
Still, we’re hoping that just maybe
You will learn to love your new unwanted baby.
Having a newborn can be great
(As you probably know from the previous eight).
Do not take it out on your little doll –
That we killed your source of information on birth control!
SOURCE: Hellmark Greeting Cards
[http://www.hellmark.com/hmk/Website/Shopping/sh_eg_home.jsp?BV_SessionID=@@@@0641002116.1764167819@@@@&BV_EngineID=hadcllcgffdibedcfchcgn.0]
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Mad Dogs And Police Men
In testimony before the Commons Public Safety Committee, RCMP Commissioner Bob Paulson stated that “I have certainly not been shackled by the Conservative government.”
Then, his phone rang. Taking it out of his pocket and looking at the call display, he said, “Excuse me, I have to take this. Hello? Yeah? What? That wouldn’t look very…yes…yes, okay, I can – yes. Okay.”
After he hung up, Paulson continued: “Sorry about that. What I meant to say was that I have certainly not been muzzled by the Conservative government. Muzzled is a more appropriate term that I, uhh, just thought of. On my own. Without any prompting. Umm…muzzled…”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20120201.eladvote0201_@/BNStory/newsDidSomebodyMentionALeash2012/]
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We’re Looking At You, Massachusetts!
Not actor John Goodman has adopted his girlfriend of two years, which would give her control of a third of the estimated $200 million trust account that he set up for his children. Goodman is currently facing a wrongful death lawsuit stemming from an accident in which he killed a man while allegedly driving intoxicated; by putting the money in trust, it becomes inaccessible by the family of the man he killed in the case that they win the lawsuit.
You see? YOU SEE? We told you that if gay marriage was allowed, this is the sort of thing that would happen! But, did you listen? NOOOOOOOOO!
SOURCE: Focus Against the Family
[http://www.jackedinonline.com/strangemarriages/strangemarriages/a0002886.cfm]
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Or, For That Matter, Exposey
Being Muslim Sucks
by Irshad Akhtar
Little, Brown, Spotts
897 pages
Irshad Akhtar’s Being Muslim Sucks is a courageous expose of the spiritual hypocrisy and anti-Semitism practised by Muslims. Much like Alawi Azaria’s brave exploration of Muslim hypocrisy and anti-Semitism, Why I Hate My Religion. Not to forget Farrah al-Maqtudati’s A Courageous Exploration of the Spiritual Hypocrisy and Anti-Semitism of Muslims, which, err, you know…
Okay, maybe there have been a lot of explorations of the failings of Muslims by people who were born into the religion. But, that doesn’t make them any less courageous.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.12/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Detention Dairy: Just Be Grateful They Aren’t Using The Spanish Inquisition’s Definition Of The Phrase “Stretching One’s Legs”
WEEK SIX
For a brief period every day, my captors let me walk about a small yard and encourage me to stretch my legs. Stretch my legs. It’s not like I’m that tall or have such long legs.
Without access to timepieces, it’s hard for me to know how long my exercise period is. To simplify things, let’s say that it’s 59 minutes and 37 seconds.
I’m not allowed to talk to anybody in the yard, but I can’t help but notice some of the other people in drab orange clothing who shuffle around in the yard not talking to anybody. There’s the tall, dark-skinned man with a long salt and pepper beard. I call him “Beardy.” Then, there’s a not quite so tall older man with dark skin and an all white beard. I call him “Other Beardy.” Once in a while, there was a short, very tanned man with a black beard. I call him “Chuck.”
Taking my exercise in the same place as these men, I am reminded of the old kid’s show song, “One of these things is not like the other ones. One of these things does not belong…” And, I can’t help but wonder: did none of my captors grow up watching Sesame Street?
SOURCE: Harpo’s
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/02/12/dd-9000006]
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