Thank you, Terry Nova, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Benedict Cumberbatch kicked Robert Downey’s ass this Christmas. Again. We know who the real Sherlock is, bitches!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
That Dog Just Won’t Huntsman
At the circumference of the Earth divided by pith Republican debate, Jon Huntsman, responding to Mitt Romney’s China bashing, started to speak in Mandarin. “You see? You SEE?” Ron Paul excitedly shouted. “Huntsman is the Manchurian candidate!”
When moderator George Stephanopoulos asked him to elaborate on that accusation, Paul responded, “What accusation? I didn’t make that statement, and I certainly wouldn’t have approved of it if I had known I had made it! Maybe…maybe Jon Huntsman made it himself! Let me have my people investigate that and get back to you…”
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2012/01/07/election/main542814.shtml]
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Stone Walls Do Not A Prison Make
Nor Iron Will A Justice Policy
The Dutch justice ministry has announced it will close eight prisons and cut 1,200 jobs in the prison system. A decline in crime in Denmark has left many cells empty.
The Harper Government of Canada is considering buying the prisons and shipping them to this country in order to combat our decline in crime. “It would be cheaper than building new ones,” Justice Minister Rob Nicholson stated. “I guess Denmark’s loss will be our gain…”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2012/01/04/506727.html]
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Science Fiction LOLCats: Blade Stretch And Lazily Walk Towardser
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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The Devil’s In The Details…And, The Public Parks…
“I’m not evil,” Satan said as he lounged on his bed in the luxury suite of a Vegas resort hotel that asked not to be named for fear his presence would undermine its efforts to market itself to families. “I’m just misunderstood.”
When I asked for an example to clarify this statement, Satan thought for a moment, then answered, “Okay. For millennia, people have been saying that I rebelled against god. They are wrong. I didn’t rebel against god. I was just leading the Occupy Heaven movement!”
SOURCE: Saturday Night, Fevered
[http://www.saturdaynightfevered.ca/index.php]
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Be Careful What You Wish For, Example 206,642,139,676,421,657
“We’re doing this because it is the best thing for the economy, it’s the best thing to do for the Canadian public and it’s the best thing to do for the airline.”
– Labour Minister Lisa Raitt explaining why the government introduced back to work legislation for striking Air Canada workers
“People have the right to have a union. They have the right to negotiate. They have a right to have a strike.”
– NDP Labour Critic Yvon Godin urging the federal government not to legislate striking Air Canada employees back to work
“These disputes are between a private company and a union.”
– a spokesman for Industry Minister Christian Paradis explaining why the government would not intervene in the Caterpillar lockout of unionized workers in a plant in London, Ontario
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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…Take Our Advice
“Be nice
Clear your ice”
It was a good slogan in its time, but, with Canada’s milder winters, there just isn’t enough ice to make it worth the airtime. It’s a shame to waste a good slogan, though, so we have come up with some alternatives. Feel free to give them saturation airplay or large billboard space.
Be nice…
…Eat rice
…Don’t play with mice
…Avoid head lice
…Don’t give in to avarice
…Check your math twice
…Variety is the spice
…Cleverness doesn’t suffice
…Clean your surplice
…Don’t build a doomsday device
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=2007311619]
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Detention Diary: Funny You Should Ask That
(And, When I Say Funny, I Mean Painful…)
WEEK THREE
“Welcome to Hell, Mister Kinder,” the man in uniform said.
“I’ve been to Detroit,” I quipped. Somebody hit me on the back of the head.
“Oh, and that’s not my -” Before I could finish, somebody hit me on the back of the head again, careful to avoid the fingers I was using to rub the back of my head where they hit me the first time.
Hell appeared to be a prison in the middle of a desert. When I woke up, I was lying on a cot in a cell about the size of my college dorm room. The bars on the window and the door suggested that I wasn’t going to be invited to any frat parties any time soon. I was fed three bland meals a day (slightly better than my college food plan, actually) for over three weeks, but otherwise left undisturbed. Then, a guard came, put chains on me and hustled me into a small, windowless room, where he chained my chains to a chair.
“You may think that Hell is a place with only one star hotels,” the man in uniform continued as if I had not said a word, “or no Wi Fi reception. Well, we don’t have any stars, and we don’t even have books, let alone e-books. What we do have is pain. Lots and lots of pain. You can avoid the pain by telling us what we want to know.”
“What do you want to know?” I flinched, but apparently this was the right thing to ask as no hit was forthcoming.
The man in uniform shuffled papers on the desk at which he was sitting. Eventually, he found one he liked, and asked, “When you met with Oskar Ibn Rachim in Istanbul, did he tell you who his arms dealer was?”
“Who is Oskar Ibn Rachim?” I asked.
“The man you met in Istanbul.”
“But, I’ve never been Istanbul.”
“You had to have been to Istanbul.”
“Why would I have had to have been to Istanbul?”
“Because that’s where you met with Oskar Ibn Rachim.”
I knew there was a flaw in that logic somewhere, but I was distracted by another swat to the head…
SOURCE: Harpo’s
[http://harpos.org/archive/2012/15/dd-9000003]
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I Think I May Be The One Who Says Twitter Doesn’t Offer A Valuable Perspective On The World…
Twitter Trends
#JustinBeibergetsahaircut!
#DrPhileatsabug
Ashton Kutcher sneezed! Twice!
Lindsay Lohan in Playboy
#doyoueverfeellikeyou’rewastingyourlifeontrivia?
Anne Hathaway
Milan Lucic
Kermit T. Frog
Penny Farthing
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/111231/geeklynews/01twitterfollowershahaha.htm]
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A Lot Has Changed Since The Summit Series Of 1972
Russia has declared war against Canada after Prime Minister Stephen Harper cross-checked Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin into the boards, giving him a concussion that could end his political career, in the second period of an exhibition hockey game between politicians from the two countries.
“It was a legitimate hit,” Harper said after the game. “I mean, his head didn’t fall off, so how bad could it have been?”
“Yeah, yeah, the Russians have turned into a country of pussies,” said international diplomat Don Cherry. “But, really, what choice did Harper have? Medvedev blindsided Baird in the first period, sending him to the hospital, and if the Canadian team hadn’t retaliated, the Russians would have owned their sorry asses!”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#53238883087]
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The Public Schools Are Down To Strawberry Shortcake Recipes And Creationism
No sooner had the New Hampshire legislature overridden the governor’s veto to enact a law allowing parents to object to any part of their children’s school curriculum than the consequences started being felt throughout the state.
“I’ve never liked algebra,” said Deborah Fokker-Messerschmidt, a Concord mother. “I mean, x has always seemed a little shady to me – why doesn’t it come out and identify itself like a proper mathematical value? I’m sorry, but it smacks of liberal relativism to me, and I don’t want my children to grow up with that kind of uncertainty!”
“Music,” Gerry Ledger-Dumaine of Nashua practically spit. “Band practice. Band is Communist! Yeah – I said it! Everybody following the ‘Great Bandleader!’ And, I’m not just saying that because little Simona wasn’t given a solo!”
“French history,” said Jason Statham of Stratham. “Need I say more?”
New Hampshire school boards will now have to develop curricula for each student based on the objections of their parents. “Just shoot me now,” moaned Governor John Lynch. “Assuming that we still teach gun safety!”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2011-12-25-nashua-rambler_x.htm]
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