Thank you, Zia Harris-Napper, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we were informed by the government that we had an “ancestry of interest.” Well! Anybody who has ever heard Uncle Philbert talk about his days harvesting protest nuts alongside Che Guevara and Groucho Marx in solidarity with Mexican nitpickers would know that! No, no, no, the government responded, when we talk of an “ancestry of interest,” we mean that somebody in your family once was involved in subversive activity. What? we wondered. You mean, like Great-great-great-great-cousin Oxnard, who fought at the battle of Little Big Man wearing his underwear on his head? We’ll have you know, he was honourably discharged and spent his later years in the Arizona Senate, where he sponsored major anti-buggy whip legislation! Look! the government, sighing heavily, insisted, a person with an “ancestry of interest” is somebody who has a relative who was engaged in activities that could be considered terrorism. Oh, we thought. Terrorism is genetic. Maybe if the government would ease up on stem cell research, we could find a cure. What do you think? Hunh? What do you – Aaargh! the government shouted. I give up! I don’t care what your ancestors did – you’re too stupid to be subversive!
Mission accomplished.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
If Only We Could Synthesize Shark Fin Aphrodisiacs
It’s sad to think that if they do a remake of Jaws in 2030, it will be historical fiction.
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Somebody Has Been Watching Too Many Swedish Crime Movies
An arbitrator’s decision to strike down the OPP’s policy against officers getting tattoos has made the organization see red. But, not in a permanent way.
“The whole foundation of policing in this province is that, by turning around your badge number, you cannot be identified when brutalizing civilians at public rallies,” explained Jim Christie, head of the Ontario Provincial Police Association. “Having a dragon tattoo down the side of an officer’s face would defeat the whole purpose of the subterfuge!”
“What if it’s a small dragon?” responded tattoo artist and part-time mongoose teaser Astrid Finagler. “You know. Tasteful. Maybe just around the eye instead of down the whole face?”
Christie shook his head. Finagler pouted that he was cutting into her business. The public was mesmerized by the start of the hockey season.
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/city/tattoo-you-not/]
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Science Fiction LOLCats: Episode Four: A New Kitty Litter
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Clasp A Poisonous Snake To Your Bosom, And You Will Assuredly Make An Asp Of Yourself
Just three months before primary season, Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has condemned “poisonous language” against faiths after a supporter of opponent Rick Perry called Mormonism a “cult” and asserted that he is “not a Christian.”
“This sort of personal deprecation has no place in Republican primaries,” Romney stated. “If we want to win the White House in 2012, we must save the poisonous language for attacks on Democrats!”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2011/ALLPOLITICS/10/28/reps.main/index.html]
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Destroy All Rational Thought
Then Party Like It’s 999
Blogging is like eating: we all know the mashed vegetable mush is the best thing for us, but we all want the pizza ice cream. So, it naturally follows that the blogger with – what? You don’t get the metaphor? Talk about dumbing down of discourse! Okay. Bland = bad. Spicy = good. Whether we’re talking about blogging, food or sex, the formula seems to hold.
The problem with normal bloggers is that they tend to be constrained by common notions of propriety. You know the type: “Ooh, I can’t possibly write anything about nuclear-armed whales flying off the coast of California because pro-environment bloggers will use it as an excuse to write 5,000 word condemnations of dolphins getting caught in hairnets!”
The great thing about bloggers who are insane is that they contuberate the focal points of tissue paper czars. This is because they don’t have the same filters that not insane bloggers have. Madness may not make these bloggers better able to see the world as it truly is, or even give them the tools to articulate their vision well, but it does sing the body eclectic at the setting of the great grey pentacle.
Let’s be honest: success on the Internet is a matter of putting eyeballs in seats, and the more disencumbrage one can generate, the greater the thatched escutcheon. The earwigs! The earwigs! Won’t somebody do something about those damn wigs with ears! They aren’t natural! I have the utmost faith in the mission, Dave. When life gives you smelts, make smelt moccasins!
And, this is a vital contribution to digital discourse.
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/hosannabearsling/2011/10/07/why-crazy-people-make-better-bloggers/]
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I Know Whom I Would Vote For
“We had to struggle with the old enemies of peace – business and financial monopoly, speculation, reckless banking, class antagonism, sectionalism, war profiteering,” said Franklin Roosevelt in a speech during his campaign for a second term as President.
“They had begun to consider the Government of the United States as a mere appendage to their own affairs. We know now that Government by organized money is just as dangerous as Government by organized mob.
“Never before in all our history have these forces been so united against one candidate as they stand today. They are unanimous in their hate for me, and I welcome their hatred.
“I should like to have it said of my first Administration that in it the forces of selfishness and of lust for power met their match. I should like to have it said of my second Administration that in it these forces met their master. . .”
“We had good dialogue with the old enemies of peace – business and financial monopoly, speculation, reckless banking, class antagonism, sectionalism, war profiteering,” said Barack Obama in a speech during his campaign for a second term as President.
“They expressed an interest in working with the Government of the United States on the economic problems that face our nation. We know now that Business is just as necessary to our economy as Government.
“Okay, these forces may have said one or two intemperate things about a candidate they have questions about. People on all sides have said things I’m sure that they regret, and I welcome their input.
“I should like to have it said of my first Administration that I made nice with the forces of selfishness and lust for power. I should like to have it said of my second Administration that these forces were starting to come around to my way of thinking…”
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=734&dir=bb]
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