Thank you, Pe5nny Dredd-Faul, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Brad Schmucklingburger claimed that changes in the climate were caused by cows eating too many rutabagas. How does he know this? The plumber from El Segundo, Alaska is certain because “climate scientists are doody heads.” Okay, why should anybody care about some guy with no real knowledge going up against 98 per cent of the scientists in their field?
Schmucklingburger is rumoured to be the top candidate to head the Environmental Protection Agency in a Rick Perry government.
We’re bulking up on oil and lethal injection drug stocks in our portfolio. Just in case.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Swift Gets Better With Age
You may have heard that people who work in Canada’s oil sands are cannibals. But, did you know that people who work in Arab oil companies eat small babies? It’s true. Saudi Arabian oil workers sautee three year-olds in a peanut sauce!
When Canadian oil sands workers eat people, it’s usually one of their own, and, except for extreme circumstances, somebody who was old and would probably have died soon anyway. Not so, Saudi Arabians. They will eat anybody, anywhere. On the streets. In public bathrooms. Even at hydraulic fracturing boreholes. It seems like some people simply cannot control their appetites!
Canadian Oil. Not Child Eating Cannibal Oil. Ethical Oil.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/ohyuk.shtml]
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The Arab Spring Turns Into An Arab Winter’s Chill
Bowing to pressure from the Israeli lobby and its Christian right supporters, President Barack Obama has announced that the United States will veto any proposal at the United Nations that would grant Palestinians their own state.
“Wannabe,” Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper smirked.
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1058231594795]
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Ashamed You Get Paid For This?
Cryer Me A River
Monday. CBS. Two and a Half Jokes. This week, Jon Cryer gets one joke and Angus T. Jones gets the other laugh and a half. The rest of the episode involves all of the characters making crude comments and falling about in not very credible ways.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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A Blind Spot
The Size Of A Parking Lot
Democracy Is What Happens To The Other Guy
Journalists can always have fun
With a couple of crazy extremists waving their guns.
The power of the people they intend to seize
By applying some “second amendment remedies.”
Of this, there can be no doubt: there
Will always be space on the front page for loonies who are out there.
But, look sharp because your glimpse will be fleet
Of a protest called Occupy Wall Street;
Hundreds of folks have occupied Liberty Square,
Demanding justice for the greedy criminals who work down there.
The sponsors at We are the Ninety-nine Per Cent
Might wonder at lack of coverage of their ongoing event.
“We have limited space,” the editors insist,
“Which forces us to choose.”
But, if their ideology it does not fit, let’s be honest,
It just is not considered “news.”
Plaudits from most of the pundits doth ring
In response to the Arab Spring.
One could find few mass media remonstrations
As waves of people lined the streets for peaceful, pro-democracy demonstrations.
Journalists love it when the common person fights
For his natural (and not threatening to our interests) rights.
Meanwhile, over at the White House in Washington,
Peaceful protestors are being arrested by the ton.
They are protesting the Keystone XL oil sands pipeline –
They even arrested Naomi Klein!
That got a little journalistic attention;
Otherwise of the protests there was no mention.
Be not too surprised when you find yourself bereft
Of coverage if your protest comes from the left.
Meanwhile, the most marginal right wing nutter gets national views,
Because this is how today’s media defines the “news.”
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/577.html]
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Forty More Walls Does Not A Prison Policy Make
Despite the fact that they are determined to pass a raft of punitive laws, the Conservative government remains unable to tell the Canadian people how much the tough on crime measures will cost (in terms of increased prisons, guards, shaving cream, etc.).
Conservatives are like the person who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Except, they don’t seem to know the price of anything, either.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2011/09/12/529696.html]
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Oh, To Saudia Arabia Better Nation Than They Are!
Saudi Arabia has complained to Telecaster Services, part of the Television Bureau of Canada, the advertising review and clearance service funded by Canada’s private broadcasters, about advertisements about “ethical oil” that make the practice of cannibalism among its workers seem less ethical than the cannibalism practiced by Canadian oil workers.
“Eating people is eating people,” a cease and desist letter from lawyers for the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia stated. “Canada has its own social problems – treatment of natives, anyone? – it has no right to take the moral high ground with us. Besides, have you ever savored a three year-old? Marinated in the right sauce, the flesh of the cheeks can taste…heavenly!”
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1026552801]
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Time To Call In Mulder And Scully
The surprise entrant in last night’s premier of The X-Factor was not an unknown man with an amazingly smooth voice who had been labouring as a lineman in a bra factory for over a decade before a friend with a singing frog dragged him to an audition for the show, where Simon Cowell heard him crooning to himself in the bathroom. The man was, in fact, Michael Buble.
In the show’s defense, Cowell stated that Buble had been hit by a car, spent several years in a coma in a hospital and, when he awoke, had no memory of his highly successful career as a very popular singer.
In response to Cowell’s statement, Buble shrugged and said, “I guess Simon has to do whatever he thinks it will take to get people to watch the show.”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2011/2011/09/13/hispersonalitywastoobubleforeventhisshow/]
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What’s The Big Deal?
Troy Davis was executed by the state of Georgia for the 1989 murder of police officer Mark MacPhail, despite the fact that seven of the nine eyewitnesses who identified him as the shooter at his first trial have since recanted all or part of their testimony.
“We had to put Davis to death,” argued Georgia Governor Nathan Deal. “Given the amount of national attention the case has received, staying it would have put the whole system of executing innocent people into disrepute!”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2011-09-25-hell-of-a-troy_x.htm]
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