Thank you, Boyson Brandolino, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about a breakthrough by researchers at the University of Waterloo and the University of Michigan that would give protestors in places like China a way to get around online censorship. To work, said one computer science professor, it would require “support from nations that are friendly to the cause of a free and open Internet.”
Oh, well. Nice idea, anyway.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
I Like The Kaiser Chief…But…Uhh…Perhaps It’s Best Not To Admit That In This Political Climate…
In response to a public that favours stern punishment for civil disobedience, a British court has jailed two men four years for maintaining a fan page devoted to the rock group Quiet Riot.
“It’s just music,” said one of the convicted men, Jordan Blackshaw. “It may not be everybody’s taste – alright, it may not even be that good – but, since when is listening to music a crime?”
“Oh, sure, some say that Quiet Riot is ‘just music,’” responded District Court Judge Robert Hunter in his verdict, “but where does it all lead? A young person listens to Quiet Riot one day, then ‘White Riot’ by the Clash the next. Soon, they’re listening to the Smiths’ ‘Anarchy in the UK’ and the Kaiser Chiefs’ ‘I Predict a Riot.’ And, we all know that no good can come from listening to the Kaiser Chiefs!”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/UPereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/
YOeUeRS/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=86346]
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That’s A Mighty Selective Bandwagon You Got Goin’ There, Friend
Investor Warren Buffet announces that Berkshire Hathaway will increase its holdings in Dollar General Corp. and MasterCard Inc. Wall Street responds:
“Brilliance!”
“Genius!”
“If you want to be rich, follow the Oracle of Omaha!”
Billionaire Warren Buffet states that America’s wealthy “have been coddled long enough by a billionaire-friendly Congress” and should pay more in taxes. Wall Street responds:
“Warren Who?”
“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard come out of a billionaire’s mouth!”
“If you want to be poor, follow the advice of the Oracle of Omaha!”
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=534&dir=bb]
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Adorable Kittens Seem Like A Reasonable Trade-off For Due Process Of The Law
Internal documents released thanks to the Freedom of Information Act show that the Conservative government’s announcement last year of a list of the 30 most wanted terrorists on Canadian soil was made up of citizens chosen at random.
“How we came up with those names is irrelevant,” insisted Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “The important thing is that even if they didn’t constitute a threat to the government before, they certainly do now! So, every patriotic citizen should do his duty and turn in his neighbour at the slightest whim, then go to my Twitter account to see the latest pictures of adorable little kittens that somebody on my staff has posted.”
Alan Borovoy, General Councel Emeritus of The Canadian Civil Liberties Association, made a loud eeping noise and collapsed.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32380441316841311682fx]
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My Ames Is True
Michelle Bachmann won a poll of an unrepresentative population in an otherwise inconsequential state where candidates can buy ballots and putative frontrunners in the race like Mitt Romney and Rick Perry made no effort because they know that it has no actual bearing on the 2012 presidential election.
Clearly, Bachmann is the candidate to beat in the Republican primaries.
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2011August14.html]
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1 for the Toad) Why Are People Rioting In Israel?
a) Oh, You So Don’t Want To Go There!
b) Okay – Consider There Not Gone To
2’s a .com penny) Why are people rioting in London?
a) somebody put LSD in their drinking water
b) the price of stereos is right
c) they’re just a bunch of thugs with no political agenda who should be locked up for a very long time so that decent people can freely go about their business
3’s a cloud) Why were people rioting in Egypt or Yemen?
a) somebody put LSD in their drinking water
b) the price of stereos is right
c) you’re trying to use this as a teachable moment, aren’t you?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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A New Engel On The Journalism Racket
Some of our members have noticed that Richard Engel seems to be the only foreign correspondent on MSNBC. It must be very tiring for him to be in Baghdad one day and Gaza the next. We worry that he can’t be getting enough sleep – will he be able to file coherent reports with big black bags under his eyes?
Some of us have started a collection to help MSNBC hire another foreign correspondent. We…we’ve only collected $24.79 so far, but that’s just because it’s the end of the summer, and most of our co-workers are tapped out from paying for summer vacations. Not to worry: we’re sure donations to the Save Richard Engel Fund will pick up in the fall!
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/August2011.txt]
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Let’s See Alan Borovoy Defend Fans Of The Saw Franchise!
Police in Ottawa have accepted a new racial profiling policy after a woman was arrested and strip-searched because, she claims, she was black.
“It is now our policy,” a spokesman told a riveted crowd of journalists and amateur chiropodists, “to use excessive force on citizens without regard to race, creed, colour, religion, sexual orientation, hair colour, handedness or taste in movies. Except for those Saw films. Fans of that crap deserve whatever they get.”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2011/08/17/504877.html]
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If That’s Too Hard For Him, Romney Could Start With Republican Campaign Donors And Expand His Definition From There
It comes as no surprise that Republican Presidential hopeful Mitt Romney believes that corporations are people. It would be nice if he also stated a belief that people were people.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/monologue]
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Increasing Carbon Dioxide Levels Are The Nipple Clamps Of The Natural World
I was trying to find a way to explain increasingly violent weather patterns to climate change deniers. It’s not as simple as it sounds. But, I think I’ve cracked it.
Things like droughts and tornadoes are Mother Earth, like all good subs, using her safe word to let humanity know that she wants us to stop dominating her now.
SOURCE: Girls With Eyepatches
[http://www.girlswitheyepatches.com]
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