1) According to Councillor Doug Holyday, “[I]t’s hampering the reputation of Toronto.” To what is he referring?
a) Mayor Rob Ford [INSERT YOUR FAVOURITE BAD BEHAVIOUR HERE]
b) unrestricted condo construction threatening to collapse the market
c) council’s ban on shark fin soup (because shark fin soup is what really attracts the tourist dollar)
2) In approving the CNOOC takeover of Nexen, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has promised that, in future, his government will only approve the purchase of Canadian companies by government-owned foreign companies under exceptional circumstances. What constitutes exceptional circumstances?
a) days in which the sun rises
b) days ending with “day”
c) days in which the oil patch is the engine of the econo – oh oh…
3) In a poll taken shortly after the American election, 49 per cent of Republican respondents said they believed that the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) had helped President Obama “steal” a second term. The problem is that ACORN no longer exists, hasn’t for a couple of years. What would make them think that?
a) they had a dream in which purple unicorns told them that ACORNs made terrible soup, and they connected the dots
b) they’re big fans of zombies (they voted for Mitt Romney, didn’t they?)
c) they are zombies (or, at least, people whose memories don’t allow them to recall Republicans victoriously pissing on ACORN’s grave)
d) if President Obama didn’t steal the election, that would mean that a majority of voters actually…no, no, it’s a possibility too horrible to contemplate!
4) Why didn’t the Harper Government of Canada celebrate the 50th anniversary of the founding of Medicare?
a) Harper has a strange allergy to men named Tommy
b) it didn’t involve muskets and mayhem (and kicking American ass)
c) the insurance industry would have taken its BFF bracelet back from Harper if it had
5) Considering how often companies close manufacturing plants despite getting government assistance in exchange for keeping the plants open, why do governments still enter into these agreements?
a) farce of habit
b) give a man a fish and he’ll have a meal; give a man a job at a government subsidized fish canning plant, and he’ll have a reason, however temporary, not to vote for a different party that would give him a job at a government subsidized meatpacking plant
c) to prove that FREE MARKETS RULE, BUDDY! FREE MARKETS RULE!
6) What if Ackman is wrong on Herbalife?
a) the Blastocrommm of Trismestres will be the last to know (but, boy will it be pissed when it finds out!)
b) the coming of time will be delayed until next Tuesday at the earliest
c) a lot of people will lose money, but, honestly, they were going to lose it sooner or later, given that their investment strategy was only a slight modification of the pin the tail on the donkey game that they played on their seventh birthday, so nobody is going to feel too broken up over it
d) other
7) The Defence Department has quietly removed from the Internet a report into the killing of a Canadian military officer by Israeli forces. Why would it do this?
a) the characters were thin and the writing was atrociously dull
b) you know better than to trust anything you read on the Internet!
c) Prime Minister Stephen Harper has a friend who is Jewish, and he doesn’t want to offend him because, well, Geez Louise, you know how touchy Jews get about criticism of the state of Israel…
8) “It is asking a lot of [A] to trust the legitimacy of [B] who dismisses the importance of proper accounting practices and won’t let [his/her] people talk to reporters.” Who are A and B?
a) the Canadian people; Native Chief Theresa Spence
b) Native Chief Theresa Spence; Prime Minister Stephen Harper
c) Prime Minister Stephen Harper; Marvin the Martian
d) other
9) The Florida Chamber of Commerce said that one of its top legislative priorities this year would be blocking local governments from adopting paid sick-time measures such as the one pending in Orange County, even though the US is experiencing its worst flu epidemic in a decade. Why would they do this?
a) Rush Limbaugh has argued that the best defense against the flu is to bore it to death in meetings about corporate synergies
b) sick people may have lower productivity, but this is compensated for by the fact that…umm…well…let’s call it a compensation to be named later
c) studies have conclusively shown that people with the flu are more productive than people with malaria, Deng fever or the Plague (red, purple or ocarina brown)
10) House Republicans have authorized the spending of $3 million to defend the Defense of Marriage Act, whose main purpose is to allow states to discriminate against gay people, in the courts. What could this money have been better spent on?
a) enough tanning time for Speaker John Boehner to glow brighter than the sun
b) health care for over 10,000 Americans
c) nothing, and anybody who says otherwise is an evil sinner who is destined to spend eternity in the fiery, sulphurous pit (and, I’m not talking about the Senate bathroom!)
11) The State of Texas has outlawed funding for Planned Parenthood, foregoing the over $200 million a year that Medicaid provided to the state to care for low-income women. What could this money have been spent on?
a) so many mammograms that the state could supply one to every woman who has ever appeared in Playboy magazine
b) enough sexually transmitted disease testing to make even Texas brothels safe…relatively…
c) a hangar big enough for Governor Rick Perry’s ego (possibly the biggest health hazard in the state)
12) Men used to be the ones who wore high heels in the family; the shoes were a sign of both financial success and masculinity. Why did men stop wearing heels?
a) it’s hard to kick ass when it’s nearly impossible to balance on one foot
b) it’s hard to pass laws to control women when you’re light-headed from the lack of oxygen in the air up there
c) girls took all the fun out of wearing high heels (stoopid girls!)!
13) Oh, for goodness sake! Is the interrobang the most indecisive punctuation mark ever?
a) yes
b) no
c) hmm…tough call: it has a lot of competition from a poorly placed…ellipse
14) What foods should you take special care to avoid cooking while you’re naked?
a) lobster
b) carrots
c) piston engines
d) all of the above
e) all of the above, and anything else you might consider – what are you doing cooking naked in the first place?
15) Horsemeat has been found in beef lasagna, spaghetti, burgers and other products across Europe. Where did the horsemeat come from?
a) Romania
b) no, it didn’t! Romania is clean and…healthy and…and…and clean! If the horsemeat came from anywhere, it was Poland!
c) Poland! Oh, sure – blame the Poles! Blah blah blah – it’s been the same story since the Second World War! But, the meat went through processing in France – surely France was to blame!
d) oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? France has always been Europe’s scapegoat! Ironic, wouldn’t you say, considering how much pride we take in our cuisine. Still, England hasn’t inspected meat for horse content in a decade – why don’t you blame them?
e) oi! We’re the victims here, right? Bloody well right! You had it right the first time, mate – bloody Romania!
f) umm…horses?
16) Between 2001 and 2010, half of mid-sized Canadian manufacturing firms vanished. Where did they go?
a) Narnia (which, despite the propaganda coming out of Oz to the contrary, has a wicked manufacturing base)
b) gone to flowers, every one (that would be International Megaflowers, a wholly owned subsidiary of MultiNatCorp, which is based in Mazari Sharif, Afghanistan for tax purposes)
c) this answer has been outsourced to question 5, answer c). For further information on this answer, a customer service representative in Sri Lanka will be happy to ignore your call
17) What does YA stand for?
a) Yenta Authorization
b) Yugo Abomination
c) NOTHING! THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS YOUNG ADULT’ – IT’S A MARKETING CATEGORY AND NOTHING MORE!
d) Yoga Ass
e) other
18) The International Olympic Committee has decided to drop wrestling from the Olympics by the year 2020. What are they planning on replacing it with?
a) the 100 metre hop, skip and jump through hoops
b) line dancing (it’s tougher than it looks!)
c) the 200 metre passing the buck relay
d) fish in a barrel shooting
19) When did Mississippi officially ratify the 13th Amendment to the American Constitution, abolishing slavery?
a) 1865
b) 1995
c) yesterday
20) The Mississippi vote to ratify the 13th Amendment took place in 1995. Why did it take 18 years for the vote to be officially signed into law?
a) paperwork – you know how it is
b) due to the heat, they do everything slower down there…a lot slower…like, almost a century and a half slower…
c) they thought amending the Constitution was like erecting a tall office building – you skip the 13th because it’s bad luck