1) Whose slogan was “Don’t be evil?”
a) Darth Vader (he may have been being ironic…)
b) the alien (he just wanted to do dinner theatre in Podunk, but the crew of the Nostromo just wouldn’t stop attacking him!)
c) the cockroach living in the floorboards of your kitchen (don’t believe me? Did you know that he smokes Gauloises and reads Proust while listening to Enya? You would know this if you watched more nature documentaries on Cockroach Central…)
2) Why was Paul Ryan chosen to be Mitt Romney’s running mate?
a) the Republicans learned the hard way that girls are too flaky to be Vice Presidential candidates
b) It’s the Base, Stupid
c) because Ryan’s position that abortion should be illegal even in cases of rape and incest makes Romney’s position that abortion should be illegal except in cases of rape and incest look moderate by comparison
3) How do you lobotomize a rhino?
a) make sure the teaspoon has been properly sterilized
b) sneak up on it when it’s sleeping, or, better yet, dead…
c) insert a laser scalpel into its tail and work your way up
4) According to British tabloid newspaper The Sun, publishing nude pictures of Prince Harry was in the public interest. Which public interest would that be?
a) holding the British royal family accountable for having such well-defined pectoral muscles
b) the interest the public has in further enriching Rupert Murdoch
c) knowing that the security of the royal family’s naughty bits is not as good as it should be is the first step to strengthening it
5) Buying fighter jets without having your own military pilots test fly them in open competition and report back to you is like…
a) puckering up to kiss without knowing who is facing you.
b) eating that thing on your plate even though nobody in the restaurant can identify it, including the chef.
c) Canadian military procurement has been for decades, so what’s the big deal?
6) Mohammed Mahjoub has been kept under detention or house arrest since 2000 under Canada’s security certificate programme. What is the evidence against him?
a) an unnamed witness at some unrecorded point in time saw him doing an unspecified act that may be against an uncited law or laws, and you just can’t argue with evidence like that
b) Mahjoub is an Arabic word meaning “kill all the Infidels in the most painful way possible,” unless our translator was high when he told us that, in which case it should only take 12 to 15 years to correct the error
c) Public Safety Minister Vic Toews says he’s a bad, bad man, and, really, what more evidence does a loyal Canadian need?
7) Lawyers for disgraced media baron Conrad Black have argued that an oral hearing on his possible expulsion from the Order of Canada, although not part of its procedures, is called for because of the “unique” nature of his case. What makes Black’s case unique?
a) it’s made of a rare red-skinned flightless Javanese iguana
b) he makes it standing on one foot while juggling Rottweilers
c) nobody else in the country would have the chutzpah to make it
8) In order to support “the freedom of religion for all Canadians,” Justice Minister Rob Nicholson has defunded all clergy from Canada’s prisons except for Christian and one Muslim. How does this support the freedom of religion for all Canadians?
a) it’s the Henry Ford theory of religious freedom
b) by encouraging them to seek it in the jail system of another country
c) oh, man, the Justice Department does not pay me enough to answer questions to the Minister like this!
9) Sirius Minerals is asking the British government for permission to mine potash in North York Moors National Park. What could possibly go wrong?
a) the company could introduce an invasive, non-indigenous species into the national park that would upset the delicate balance of its natural ecosystem – lawyers
b) if we mine so many minerals in this hemisphere and sell them to the other hemisphere that we change the balance of the planet, we could send Earth spiralling down into the sun (on the other hand, this scenario makes the actual destruction wrought by a potash mine seem almost benign by comparison)
c) the canary could die
d) other
10) Two people at the Republican National Convention threw nuts at a black CNN camera operator and said, “This is how we feed the animals.” Why were they subsequently thrown out of the event?
a) for wasting nuts
b) for littering
c) for being willing to allow abortions in the case of rape and incest
d) for undermining the Republican effort to appear to be racially sensitive and inclusive
e) other
11) Prime Minister Harper said: “We want to see this economic relationship [with China] continue to expand. But we want to see it expand in a way that there’s a clear two-way flow and clear benefits for both sides. Win-win to use the Chinese expression.” Why would the Prime Minister say this?
a) he had just had lunch with Chinese potash sculpture collector Wei Win-win, and he couldn’t get the man’s name out of his head
b) you can’t really appreciate Shakespeare until you’ve read him in the original Mandarin (man, Star Trek is the gift that just keeps on giving, isn’t it?)
c) the Prime Minister wanted Chinese leaders to understand that he was prepared to criticize them on more than just their record on human rights, because versatility is the key to any successful trading partnership
12) What is the most prominent sign that you are about to be carjacked?
a) danger
b) beware of yak crossing
c) the hulking figure huddled in the back seat of your car (especially if you’re pretty sure you didn’t leave it there when you went into the grocery store to get snacks)
13) Is the vagina the new penis?
a) no – sorry, but I’m just not ready for that surgery
b) yes – unfortunately, we mean it metaphorically, so, unless you’re a hermaphrodite, don’t expect any new thrills
c) WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? NO, SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT QUESTION MEAN?
14) Fifteen per cent of Ohio Republicans believe that Mitt Romney was responsible for the death of Osama bin Laden. At the time of bin Laden’s death, Romney did not hold public office, and, as far as I know, he isn’t a Navy SEAL. What drug must they be on?
a) crack cocaine
b) angel dust
c) Fox News
15) How can couples make it to their 50th wedding anniversary?
a) by not killing each other
b) turn left at the statue of Daniel Boone taking a ride on his Segway up the side of the Eiffel Tower, then go straight until senility sets in
c) there are couples that actually want to make it to their 50th wedding anniversary?
16) A recent study using chimpanzees showed that their decisions were closer to what game theory would predict than the decisions of human beings. Researchers concluded that chimps made better bettors than people. Why didn’t they come to the more obvious conclusion that game theory is a poor predictor of human behaviour?
a) because common sense is a poor predictor of human behaviour
b) if they had, they would have been forced to turn in their Junior Birdman decoder rings and they wouldn’t be welcome in the tree fort any more
c) okay, imagine that two people are going after the same grant to study human decision-making processes. They could agree to do the research together, in which case they would split the money. They could not do the research together, but they would not refer to each other’s work in their grant proposals, in which case they would have a 50/50 chance of getting the grant money. Or, they could shred each other’s reputations in their grant proposal, guaranteeing that the grant money would go to an unqualified Ukrainian circus clown named Jim Smithers. Which scenario is most likely for two human beings to carry out? Which scenario is most likely for two chimpanzees to carry out? Perhaps most importantly: why aren’t chimpanzees getting more research grants?
17) Who or what is Low T?
a) have you ever heard of high tea? Well, Low T has nothing to do with that…
b) Mister T’s three foot six stunt double
c) Low Trousers – the quickest way for teenagers to piss off their elders
d) have you ever heard of the Model T? Well, Low T has nothing to do with that, either, but you’re getting closer…
18) When did the rot of misery and apathy set in and destroy happiness and caring?
a) are you speaking metaphorically?
b) Tuesday, around 9:37 in the morning (the coffee maker was on the Fritz – and he wasn’t about to give it back – so I had to wait until I got to the office to brew myself a pot)
c) some people would say that it began when Eve decided to go on a fruit diet, but, frankly, I think it was when Google decided that the slogan “Don’t be evil” was too long to fit on a bumper sticker
d) other
19) What makes the aging Gardiner Expressway crumble?
a) a bright light and the implied threat of violence
b) a cheating wife, pressure to perform at work, ungrateful children and an indifferent mistress – if you were in its position, you’d be shedding chunks of concrete, too!
c) pictures of that girl from that certain summer (it’s personal)
20) What do Honey Boo Boo, Arlen Specter and the New York Yankees have in common?
a) they’re all left-handed
b) they were all, at one time or another, suspects in the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa
c) NOTHING, YOU SADISTIC BASTARD! THEY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON!