1) Who or what is a Sybarite?
a) somebody who comes from Siberia
b) somebody who knows what a Sybian is and doesn’t care who knows it
c) somebody made out of the substance that weakens Superman
d) somebody who considers themselves a Jane Siberry fan
e) somebody other
2) Newt Gingrich has attacked fellow Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney, saying, “I don’t own any Fannie Mae and Feddie Mac stock. He does, so presumably he was getting richer.” Gingrich, of course, was paid $1.6 million by Freddie Mac for – nudge nudge, wink wink – consulting. Yeah. That’s what it was for. Consulting. Why would Gingrich, who has his own vulnerability on this issue, bring it up at all?
a) he has learned the Jedi mind trick where he waves his hand and says, with intense focus, “These are not the scandals you are looking for.”
b) Newt is a historian, dammit! And, history has taught him…umm…something that it…that, apparently, it hasn’t taught anybody…uhh…else…
c) it will help him sell copies of his latest book, The Free Market Rules! (Except When I Think I Can Score Political Points By Slagging It)…For Dummies
3) The world’s largest breast cancer organization, Susan G. Komen for the Cure, is cutting off its financing of breast cancer screening and education programs run by Planned Parenthood affiliates. Representatives of the organization claim that the move is not political, that it has nothing to do with the distribution of abortion information that is such a small part of what Planned Parenthood does. Really? Then, what did motivate the move?
a) PP sounded smutty, and they didn’t want anybody to think that Susan G. Komen for the Cure supported golden showers
b) Planned Parenthood has a nicer logo, and jealousy clouded Susan G. Komen for the Cure’s better judgment
c) the foundation hadn’t got the memo that – what? they’ve restored their funding? Oh. Okay. Apparently, the foundation just got the memo that caving in to a loud but insignificant number of right wing loonies will alienate a quiet, but much larger group of people concerned with women’s reproductive health
4) A text reads: “…of your mother is by the one who has intercourse with her. What/who is it?” Where did this text come from?
a) a Mitt Romney campaign speech
b) a Tracy Morgan stand-up routine
c) a cuneiform tablet believed to have been written by a Babylonian student circa 1,500 BC (that was quoted without attribution in a Mitt Romney campaign speech)
d) a cuneiform tablet believed to have been written by a Babylonian student circa 1,500 BC (that was quoted without attribution in a Tracy Morgan stand-up routine)
5) Disney claims that it is going to lose $200 million on its release of the film John Carter. Do you sob or do you weep?
a) isn’t laughter supposed to be one of the options? Personally, I would weep, but I just think it’s important to have choices
b) how could they make such an expensive movie about a baseball player? Sure, he hit the home run that gave the Blue Jays their first World Series, but it’s not like sports movies require lots of special effects or anything…
c) I think I’ll sob for a week or so, followed by several days of intense weeping, after which I will settle into a more or less permanent sobbing state, at which point I will sell my Disney stock for whatever I can get
6) Does Google lie?
a) absolutely not. Tell untruths, perjure itself, fib, tell tall tales, stretch the truth, be economical with the truth or ultimately do unspeakably horrible things to the truth, but it never lies
b) absolutely not…unless it is paid (oh, did you really think Lucky Lucy Tampons and Water Wings was the top search result for the query “Florida golf resorts?” Really?)
c) probably, but every so often it has really adorable graphics, so that’s okay, then
7) What is “expansionary austerity?”
a) another number one hit from the folks who brought you Reaganomics and the Laffer Curve
b) what happens to the waistlines of poor people who cannot afford healthy food
c) I don’t know, but Timothy Geithner had a good laugh over the term, so be afraid…be very afraid…
8) Ron Paul was asked by Piers Morgan if his message of Personal Liberty included a woman who wanted to have an abortion after being raped. Paul’s answer: Yes, but only in the case of “honest rape.” What is honest rape?
a) <mouth hangs agape, stunned>
b) <palm hits forehead repeatedly until one or both starts to bleed>
c) <stutters incoherently for several minutes in disbelief>
d) <other stunned reaction>
9) What in Hell’s Holy Half Acre does “Inspect Element (Q)” mean?
a) somebody in Firefox development had a haemorrhage
b) Element (Q) is the energy source for the interstellar hydraxolator; it has to be inspected regularly because, if impure, it can gum up the artifoxual drive shaft, causing a nasty periphery meltdown!
c) reassess the actor who has been cast to play the gadget master in the latest James Bond movie
10) If businesspersons can write off 50 per cent of NHL tickets and concerts, why can’t they write off 18 holes of golf?
a) unlike things they can write off, golfing is not a spectator sport – the exercise businesspeople would get would help them live longer, and heaven forbid the government support that!
b) oh! OH! We’re so sorry for the oversight, Mister Beardsley! We’ll get right on it, Mister Beardsley! You’ll get your tax break soon, Mister Beardsley! After all, the Harper Government of Canada wants the tax code to be as fair as possible for all of our country’s lobbyists, Mister Beardsley!
c) I have a better question for you: if businesspersons can write off 50 per cent of NHL tickets and concerts, why can’t I write off the cost of my family vacation to Petawawa?
11) Afghans are pissed because they have discovered that Qur’ans were burned at a US military base in their country. What would prompt the Americans to do this?
a) they stopped caring about how the Afghani people perceived them because they knew it was Qur’tains for the war
b) it has nothing to do with religion – modern Americans just hate books, any and all books, because they require reading and reading is work – so, really, all the outrage is a bit silly, don’t you think?
c) they were removing “extremists literature” and other materials left in a library in the base’s detention block, and nothing is more extremist than a book of peace
12) What is “self taxation?”
a) choosing to exercise more than you need to, putting too much stress on your system
b) wealthy people voluntarily giving extra money to the government at tax time (something you see about as often as a “capitalist unicorn”)
c) I don’t know, but if you don’t stop it, you will go blind
13) What is “nomophobia?”
a) fear that your smart phone will have a stroke and forget your name and telephone number
b) fear of Alaska
c) fear of tasty foods…or, is that nomnomnomophobia?
d) other fear
14) In a New York Times op-ed piece, RIAA Chief Cary H. Sherman accused opponents of SOPA of having engaged in shady rhetorical tactics. This is like…
a) the ebony cat who prowls the unlit basement in the middle of the night calling the kettle black
b) Torquemada calling Attila the Hun “a bit of a bad egg”
c) the representative of a fabulously profitable industry using overheated rhetoric in order to bury the concerns of the industry’s opponents
15) Why is the Harper Government of Canada spending money on ads attacking interim Liberal leader Bob Rae’s record as Ontario’s premier back when he belonged to the NDP?
a) nostalgia for a simpler time
b) attack ads are like muscles – if you don’t periodically flex them, they become flabby and weak, and the last thing any political party wants is for a bully to kick sand in the face of one of its ad campaigns!
c) Rae wants to be Prime Minister (yeah, yeah, millions of Canadians do – you’ll just have to wait your turn to get your very own, personalized Harper Government of Canada attack ad)
16) The country’s oil barons have launched Canada’s Oil Sands Innovation Alliance. What is the most innovative thing about it?
a) COSIA’s mandate is to find technological methods of extracting resources from the ground in ways which will never in a million years be implemented but will look good in promotional campaigns
b) COSIA-sponsored advertisements that recommend that Canadians look at how pretty photographs of oil extraction sites are – surely, nothing so esthetically pleasing could be harmful to life
c) the name
17) What does GCB stand for?
a) a cheap effort to replicate the understated decorum of Desperate Housewives
b) a poke in the eye of the religious right, but not too hard
c) Generally Craven Broadcasters
18) Would you rather listen to dead air or Rush Limbaugh?
a) a rabid chipmunk reading the Magna Carta…backwards!
b) nails running over a chalkboard for hours at a time (as long as Limbaugh was with me)
c) I’d love to hear Rush Limbaugh explain why he had so much dead air on his show…
19) According to scientists, 60 per cent of human achievements can be attributed to having thumbs. What can the other 40 per cent be attributed to?
a) peppermint Schnapps
b) not hitting those thumbs with a hammer when doing construction work
c) being able to count to 99
20) Have you ever noticed that people who don’t want the government involved in finance seem to be quite happy to have the government involved in collecting personal data about others? Sorry, that was a rhetorical question – it wasn’t part of the quiz. Do you think they give much thought to their defense of the practice that “You’ve got nothing to fear from the government if you’ve got nothing to hide?” Sorry – rhetorical, again. What would it take to make them realize what an absurd argument that is?
Sorry – that wasn’t rhetorical. That was the actual question. What would it take to make people realize what an absurd argument “You’ve got nothing to fear from the government if you’ve got nothing to hide?” is?
a) the government scanning their underwear before it has been put in the laundry
b) the government arresting them because combining their credit card purchases, medical records and library loans proves with a 97.32765 per cent certainty that they are actually Benito Mussolini
c) the government taking out ads that read: “You have everything to hide, but we’re going to find it anyway, so why doesn’t everybody just chill out and let us do what we would like you to believe is our job?”