1) One response to the riots in London has been an increase in the sale of baseball bats, although nobody knows if they are meant for defensive or offensive purposes. Why baseball bats rather than cricket bats?
a) the rules for using cricket bats against rioters are too complicated for most people to understand
b) aww, bugger, the US really does dominate our culture – we don’t deserve to have our own national sport!
c) Benny Hill versus The Daily Show – which would you rather use to defend yourself against marauding thugs, mate?
2) Match the “thing you cannot say in mainstream media” with the reason journalists generally cannot say it.
a) since the Israeli government does not bargain in good faith with the Palestinians because it wants the best Palestinian land for itself, it bears a lot of responsibility for the tensions in the region that have taken so many lives over the decades
b) if you aren’t one of the lucky ones who deal in “illicit” substances or build prisons, the war on drugs has been a colossal failure
c) Republican Party policies since Reagan have intentionally decimated the middle class and all but bankrupted the United States government
i) Lithuanian civil engineers have a strong lobby group, and they could make life difficult for the corporation that owns your news outlet (hence the phrase: “Never cross a Lithuanian civil engineer”)
ii) their editors inhaled when they were younger
iii) journalists are generally cowards who are fearful for their jobs…but, err, you didn’t hear that from me…
3) How are European nations trying to control short selling?
a) they are making it illegal for stock brokers to wear anything but long pants (which, of course, is decimating the fashion industry’s summer lineup)
b) they are making it illegal for wall outlets to suck up so much energy that they trip circuit breakers (although enforcement may be a bit dodgy)
c) they are making it illegal to trade stocks while knowingly and with malice of forethought being under five feet tall
4) Why does a company (Hewlett-Packard) that is the number one seller of PCs in the US, and who earns 1/3 of its gross income from PCs, decide to stop selling PCs?
a) they have seen the future, and it comes in convenient tablet form
b) they’re reeeeeaaally tired of jokes about political correctness
c) they’ve been celebrating the end of the war on drugs a little too enthusiastically
5) What is the best evidence that Justin Bieber is gay?
a) he is “just friends” with Selena Gomez who “loves” his “sense of humour”
b) he has his own designer scent – Someday by Justin Bieber
c) TMZ.com says he is
6) What is the best evidence that the idea of Justin Bieber being gay is a figment of some demented adults’ imaginations?
a) there are no photos of him kissing Robert Pattinson
b) his scent is being sold at Shoppers Drug Mart
c) TMZ.com says he is
7) What is your favorite thermogenic?
a) Portuguese water dogs
b) you know, some people swear by the BLU-113 Super Penetrator, but, call me nostalgic, but I still prefer the BLU-116 Advanced Unitary Penetrator. Remember: it’s not the size of your payload that counts, it’s the elegance of your design
c) sorry, but that’s a private matter between me and my psycho-astrophysicist
8) Why have foreigners been so demonized by the right lately?
a) foreign nannies don’t change their baby’s diapers fast enough, and the right is sick of all the screaming
b) foreign fruit pickers bruise apples on purpose as a silent protest against the system that exploits them
c) lately? Why have they been demonized by the right lately? Oh, son, let me tell you the story of a poor Irish immigrant on a big, doomed boat…
9) Match the classy response to the death of NDP leader Jack Layton with its author.
a) “And the greatest surprise is the Conservative government – a government whose respect for history, tradition and restraint has been wiped away by corrupting a state funeral into a paparazzi-friendly partisan rally.”
b) “By the accounts of those who knew him best and loved him most, if there was a truly private side of Jack Layton, it was but a sliver of the man who happily lived virtually his entire adult life in the public eye and who was a 24/7 politician who was always on… People the planet over routinely weep for those they have never met and in some instances likely never much thought about before; what once would have been deemed mawkish is now considered perfectly appropriate.”
c) “The setup is tempting: Ailing leader, cane in hand, bravely hobbles through an election campaign with a wince and smile, leading his troops to shocking, unprecedented triumph – only to die prematurely and gracefully like a monarch butterfly. That’s the martyr part. NDP strategists, no idealistic fools, know martyrdom is gold at the ballot box.”
i) Ezra Levant, Toronto Sun
ii) Machiavelli, The Prince
iii) Christie Blatchford, National Post
iv) the Marquis de Sade, 120 Days of Sodom
v) Mike Strobel, Toronto Sun
vi) Albert Whitman, Nobody Knew What to Do: A Story about Bullying
10) What is the best way to deal with a politician who promises to cut taxes and preserve programmes while balancing the budget?
a) cut his tie in a wildlife preserve while forcing him to heroically try to eat a balanced diet
b) cut her hair and force her to eat strawberry preserves while balancing on a seesaw
c) umm, not vote for the politician?
11) Post-secondary education is almost 10 times as expensive as it was in the 1970s. Is post-secondary education worth 10 times today than it was in the 1970s?
a) yes
b) no
c) yeah, yeah, it’s easy to make fun, but, let me tell you, Departments of Ancient Sumerian Digital Communications don’t just pay for themselves, buster!
12) Who or what is a quoin?
a) one of the 12 tribes of Judaism
b) a Zen saying that appears to be nonsense that is intended to shock you out of your conscious patterns of thought
c) an Irish-American comedian who used to be a member of the cast of Saturday Night Live
13) An investigation into Mississauga Mayor Hazel McCallion’s promotion of a real estate deal that benefitted her son found that, although she hadn’t broken any rules, she was in a clear conflict of interest. In response, McCallion said, “If I had known [then] what I know now, I certainly wouldn’t have gotten involved.” What does McCallion know now that she didn’t know then?
a) how they get the caramel in a Caramilk bar
b) why fools fall in love
c) some people actually give a shit about such things – who knew?
14) What is “retroactive recusal?”
a) I don’t know, but it sounds painful
b) I do know, and it is painful
c) it’s what happens when a Supreme Court Justice goes back in time and kills his own grandfather
15) American celebrity hunter Jeff Foiles has been banned from hunting in Canada for three years because of an incident in which he played with crippled ducks in front of a camera, prolonging their suffering before wringing their necks. “Nothing was meant to be the way it came out,” Foiles commented. “I think a lot of it was taken out of context.” In what context could playing with crippled ducks in front of a camera, prolonging their suffering before wringing their necks be seen in a positive light?
a) in the context of Klingons becoming our world’s new overlords
b) in the context of ducks being sent to Guantanamo Bay because they are believed to have information about an imminent terrorist threat
c) in the context of…well, actually, once you’ve invoked Guantanamo, there really isn’t anywhere further that you can go
16) Republican Party presidential hopeful Herman Cain is touting something he calls his “9-9-9 Plan.” What is it?
a) 911 for the 88 per cent of Americans who are not wealthy
b) an attempt to recreate the fair distribution of wealth…in the year 999
c) he isn’t sure, but he knows it will look good in a campaign ad (very, you know, Presidential-like)
17) According to John Manley, president and CEO of the Canadian Council of Chief Executives, 99 per cent of protestors are “wannabes.” What does he think they want to be?
a) well fed
b) well housed
c) John Manley, of course
18) How does a request that the police force cut its budget by 10 per cent turn into a 1.6 per cent increase?
a) it’s magic, but you have to move your hands really fast to misdirect the people who are watching. Really fast. Like, Mach three fast…
b) Toronto Police Chief Bill Blair needs to call somebody from IT in to fix his abacus
c) forget it, Rob. It’s Chinatown…
19) Why is the Mark Twain Prize, named after the American satirical writer, usually given to a comic actor?
a) apparently, there are no writers in the US worthy of winning the award
b) if Mark Twain was alive today, he would be a regular on How I Met Your Mother
c) nobody knows who David Sedaris is
20) What you gonna do when everybody’s insane?
a) b’dee b’dee b’dee b’dee…
b) I am not insane! I am as sane as the next gerbil who has tried to pick a fight with a camper van!
c) I resist your premise that everybody is insane. If I were insane, would I be able to do this?
Oh, shit.