| 1. | Do you already have a licence for a Canadian specialty channel? | |
| NO | 2. | Apply for a licence for a Canadian specialty channel. Make extravagant promises about how much Canadian content you will produce. No, seriously, go wild. Promise 27 hours a day of original content featuring all of the most well known Canadian stars who have made it big in the US. Trust me – it won’t matter. GO TO 1. |
| YES | 3. | Does your specialty channel have enough viewers to generate enough revenue to enable you to pay for all of the programming you promised in your licence application? |
| YES | 4. | Can I have some of what you’re smoking? I mean, you do know that there are only 24 hours in a day and Mike Myers not only won’t return your calls, but will make merciless fun of you for making them, don’t you? There aren’t enough Canadians interested in crocheting/extreme polo/[INSERT YOUR CHANNEL’S SPECIALTY HERE] to make your channel financially viable. Deal with it by GOING TO 5. |
| NO | 5. | Is your network over two years old? |
| NO | 6. | Your specialty channel is young enough that people are still watching your corporate behaviour, if not your shows. Suck up the financial losses – they’ll make it easier to justify what you will do later. |
| YES | 7. | Quietly replace some of your original programming with old movies and TV shows, which cost you a fraction of the price.* |
| 8. | Is there a public outcry against the change in your specialty channel’s programming? | |
| YES | 9. | Is the CRTC threatening to hold a hearing on whether your specialty channel’s programming is living up to the promises you made in your licence application? |
| YES | 10. | Are you kidding me? You know what the CRTC’s budget for licence reassessment hearings is? $12.95! And, the bulk of that work is done by Ryerson journalism interns! Feel free to ignore the threats and GO TO 11. |
| NO | 11. | Send a press release to major entertainment reporters affirming your commitment to producing quality Canadian content for your specialty channel. A couple of weeks later, replace your flagship programme with reruns of Law and Order. |
| 12. | Is the CRTC threatening to take back your specialty channel’s licence because you’re not fulfilling its terms? | |
| YES | 13. | Are you on crack? You know how many licences network owners have lost because they didn’t fulfill the licences’ terms? None. Zero. Not one. Send out a press release saying how happy you will be to work with the CRTC to assure that your specialty channel continues to provide Canadians with quality original programming, but, you know, being a business, your first concern must be assuring a profit for your shareholders. Then, gleefully GO TO 14. |
| NO | 14. | Is your specialty channel now making a whopping great profit? |
| YES | 15. | Mission accomplished! Consider starting the whole process over again with a new specialty channel… |
| NO | 16. | Rebrand your specialty channel with much fanfare.** Send out press releases touting what a great addition to Canadian culture the rebranded channel will be (completely ignoring what a dismal failure the original channel was) because of all the original new content the “new” channel will produce. Then, quietly GO TO 3. |
Notes***
* This is not as hard as you might think. If your channel specializes in history, buy up old World War II movies and episodes of The Time Tunnel. If your channel specializes in health, buy reruns of Oprah and Dr. Phil. If your channel specializes in religion, show endless repeats of David Niven’s Stairway to Heaven and Bless Me, Father. If your channel specializes in Arts and Entertainment, well, you can get away with airing pretty much anything, although you might want to avoid Law and Order reruns – they really are getting old.
** As a general rule, the new specialty of your channel should be very different from the old one – if they’re too similar, somebody might ask about the real reason for the change. Did you start with a channel about politics? Turn it into a music channel. Was it a channel about obscure sports? Turn it into a music channel. Was it a channel about history? Turn it into a music channel. This is not rocket science, people.
*** As always, the Canadian Specialty Channel Content Production Algorithm is descriptive rather than proscriptive (it describes the way things are as opposed to how they should ideally be). If you have a problem with it, especially if you are a member of the Council of Canadians, lobby the government to give the CRTC a spine. Just don’t come bitching to us – we’re busy enjoying Law and Order reruns.