“Come on baby light my fire.
Come on baby light my fiiiiiire – yeah!
The time to hesitate is through -“
“It’s no time to put off desire. Not when you can satisfy every desire you have ever had since the moment you were born at the Doors of Perception condominium complex. It’s nowhere near the lake, but that doesn’t matter because being near the lake is just a state of mind, and your mind can go anywhere you like! Affordable? You bet! Nothing is beyond the reach of your imagination if you use your imagination to extend your reach! Doors of Perception condominiums – imagine the possibilities in our showroom today!”
“Uhh, okay, that was two thirds of ‘Light My Fire’ by the Doors.”
“You could say it was the Toronto development boom remix.”
“I could, but I wouldn’t. You’re listening to -“
“Your heart. Your head tells you that there are too many condominiums being built in the city. Your head tells you that there are not enough people moving into the city to fill all of the units being built. Your head tells you that, 10 years from now, the unit you buy in Bury My Heart in the City Towers will be worth less than you paid for it. But, your heart? Aah, your heart says this is where it wants to be. Bury My Heart in the City Towers start at more than you can afford but less than will bankrupt you. Probably. Bury My Heart in the heart of the city…of North York today!”
“Okay, that was…”
“Catchy?”
“Noooo…”
“Informative?”
“Only minimally.”
“Interruptive?”
“Is that even a word?”
“It didn’t get a red underline when I said it, so it must be a word.”
“Interruptive it is, then. You’re listening to…Dante -“
“…’s Inferno comes Fourth Circle condominiums. You’ve been bad. Veeeeery bad. And, now it’s time to pay the price…by moving into the baddest condos this side of Gomorrah! Fourth Circle condominiums have all the modern amenities: restaurants that would make even Cerberus drool with envy, mud baths that would make waders in the River Styx look clean by comparison, and, of course, gyms that you would swear were run by Pluto himself! Fourth Circle condominiums – visit our showroom and condemn yourself to eternal pleasure today!”
“Is it…is it okay to start talking again?”
“Umm…I guess there’s only one way to find out…”
“Okay, I’m Da…I’m ‘Dick’ Roverside…”
“And, I’m Ev…I’m ‘Dick’ Lamanchuk…”
“And, you’re listening to 95 point two two, C-D-I-K FM – Big DICK Ra -“
“Condos. Lakefront views are for wimps! Shopping and other amenities are for sissies! Affordable prices are for girly-men! At Big Swinging Dick condos, you get whatever we provide for you and you like it! Big Swinging Dick condos – families and pets welcome.”
“Do you…do you think it’s over?”
“Will it ever be over?”
“Oh, it will end. When 99 per cent of the population lives in dire poverty -“
“Towers recreates the milieu of Dickensian London. The hallways are misted with a light fog that smells of peonies and desperation! The restaurants serve food free from the taint of government regulation of sanitary standards! Be sure to bring your laundry to the basement, where seven year-old urchins will wash it for you for pennies a day! Poverty Towers – taking you back to a time when the rich were really rich and the poor were invisible!”
“This is out of control.”
“Maybe we should go to a commercial?”
“We don’t have to – the commercials are coming to us!”
“ZAMBONI!”
“What…was that for?”
“I wanted to see if maybe there was an ice hockey themed condo.”
“Why would you do that?”
“For the children.”
“How are we supposed to do a radio show with all of these advertisements -“
“Getting you down? Does it seem like you can’t look out the window of your over-priced box of a home without being assaulted by a dozen visual commercial propositions? That’s why the units of Cocoon Condos are hermetically sealed with no windows to distract you. Claustrophobic? No worries! The outer walls of each unit are screens on which you can project the background of your choice! Sinners writhing in torment in the river Styx! Spring day in Ireland! Dark side of the moon! The only thing that limits you is the imagination of our design team! Cocoon Condominiums – for people who hate the concept of condominiums…”