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The Daily Me – Jackie Sapristi!

Thank you, Jackie Sapristi!, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we wondered why anything anybody named Kardashian did would be of interest to anybody not named Kardashian. Then, we wondered if, just by posing the question, we were not feeding some Daily Me readers’ bizarre obsession with all things Kardashian. So, we erased all reference to anything Kardashian in our introductory paragraph and wrote about the impact Zayn Malik leaving One Direction will have on peace negotiations in the Middle East.

Journalism is all about making hard choices.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

All We Are Saaaaaaayiiiing
Is Give Hate A Chance

ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT!

Businesses are starting to pull out of Indiana because of the recently passed Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which allows florists to refuse to sell to weddings of gay couples. Or, Jews, if it comes to that, but let’s not muddy the waters with cast bread over that one. The important thing to keep in mind is that while Governor Mike Pence insists that he has no plans to change the state law, he’s a politician, and he cannot be trusted to do the right thing. THE ABILITY OF GOD-FEARING CHRISTIANS TO ACT ON THEIR HATRED OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE DIFFERENTLY THAN THEY DO COULD BE ENDANGERED!

The best way to ensure that the Religious Freedom Restoration Act remains in place is to GO TO INDIANA AND SPEND LOTS OF MONEY! If you were planning to go to Las Vegas to gamble with your life savings, GO TO INDIANA INSTEAD! If you were going to Vegas to…get some comfort because your spouse doesn’t understand you, GO TO INDIANA INSTEAD! Let’s show Indiana businesses that catering to bigotry can be profitable. LET’S KEEP HATE ALIVE!

SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders

[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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Next Week: How To Tell The Difference Between A Raven And A Writing Desk

HOW TO TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SATIRICAL ARTICLE IN THE NEW YORKER AND AN EDITORIAL IN THE WALL STREET JOURNAL. A QUIZ.

1. It makes the reader laugh from the beginning rather than just at the end.

2. It assumes the reader knows what quantitative easing is.

3. The fact that it is published on newsprint is not a reflection of how dull it is – that’s just a coincidental bonus.

4. It would never contain anti-Semitic humour (its readers are expected to enjoy such things in the privacy of their own homes).

5. It isn’t meant to contain fiction, although its definition of non-fiction may be quite generous.

6. It may appear next to a cartoon that confuses a lot of readers.

7. It was written by Andy Borowitz, Lena Dunham or Grumpy Cat.

8. You have to be wearing a three piece pinstripe suit to buy the publication in which it appears off a newsstand. If your tie isn’t perfectly knotted, the news vendor may ask to see your tax return from the previous year to determine whether or not you really belong to the one per cent. There is no appeal of the news vendor’s judgment.

9. It makes the reader laugh at everybody, rather than just poor people.

10. It is received with outrage by people who do not understand how humour works.

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Holocaust Metaphors Can Be So Slippery – Wise Politicians Avoid Them


“The Holocaust did not begin in the gas chamber; it began with words.”

– Public Safety Minister Steven Blaney

“Why would Canadians, contrary to their own values, embrace a practice at that time that is not transparent, that is not open and frankly is rooted in a culture that is anti-woman?”


– Prime Minister Stephen Harper


SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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I’d Like To See His Passport…

Republican Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz has argued for the abolition of the Internal Revenue Service. When asked where the government would get the money to continue to function, Cruz asked, “The government needs money to function?”

And, he is considered a frontrunner in the race.

SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills

[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Clearly, I’m One Of Those People Who Don’t Understand How Humour Works…

NBC. 9pm. To Biest or Not To Biest. She’s a powerful hexenbiest just learning how to control her powers! He’s a Grimm! When they get married and move to Willamut, Oregon, hilarious hijinx ensue in this sitcom spinoff of the hit series Grimm! THIS EPISODE: new neighbour Franklin Wanderlust (Scott Baio) drops by to borrow a cup of sugar. When Juliette accidentally turns him into a half frog, half bald eagle creature, she has to figure out how to change him back before Nick gets home. Did we, uhh, mention that hilarity ensues?

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F&regMode=0]
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But…Is It Something You Want To Listen To?

Rock music is what you turn to when you’ve run out of money on a Saturday night and none of your friends wants to lend you any more. Rock and roll. It’s real. And, it’s good. And, it’s old, but it’s feisty. And, it’s a noun. And, it’s a verb. And, it’s a conjunction. Un hunh – on good days. And, it’s assonant. And, it’s arriviste. And, it’s stoic. And, it’s resplendent. And, it’s overachieving. And, it’s purple. And, it’s lazy. And, it will steal your girlfriend but be so charming about it that you will want to punch it in the nose when you find out but you won’t do it. And, it’s omniscient. And, it’s a little creepy around young children. And, it’s cheap pizza. And, it’s flat beer. And, it’s a paper cut. On your soul. And, it’s a buck and a half a dance. And, it’s a reversal, but it’s not an apology. And, it’s a wombat that gets caught in your hair when…

SOURCE: C-DIK – Big Dick Radio

[http://www.edgy095.com/]
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Is Anything In Canada Worth Anything Any More?

Fourteen years after American company Best Buy bought tech retailer Future Shop, it is shutting down all of the stores with the Canadian brand name. I know fourteen years is a long time in business, but, honestly, what do they want: a medal?

“We can get one? Really? Canada gives medals for this?” said Best Buy spokeseviscerater Elliott Chun. “What are these medals made out of? I mean, are they actually worth anything?”

SOURCE: Canada: Still A Country?

[http://www.irritationnation.ca/whattolookat.asp?ID=275066534-72/]
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