Thank you, Magda Carta, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the Dalai Lama claimed that he had achieved Enlightenment and would no longer need to reincarnate. Well! This caused the biggest seizure in the Communist Party of China braintrust since Mao was caught watching Charlie Chaplin movies with a dozen naked concubines while the Gang of Four pretended not to notice by poring over the Wall Street Journal! Before the regime could torture some sense into him, the Dalai Lama wished all of his followers a happy journey to enlightenment and died. Now how is China supposed to set up a puppet Dalai Lama who would acquiesce to their annexation of Tibet?
It’s a good thing Communists are, by definition, atheists, or this could be really serious!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Honest Debate Is Hard To Come By From People With A Chip…In Their Shoulder
When asked at a press conference why rising tides were threatening Florida’s coastline, Modrina Fallupe, who works in the state’s Department of Environmental Protection, started to say, “Well, obviously, global wa -” Then, she started to shake uncontrollably, foam at the mouth and babble incoherently. The press conference was immediately rescheduled as an aide led Fallupe to a dark room where “she could ponder the question at length.”
The rumours are true. Florida state environmental workers have had chips implanted in their skulls that cause them to have seizures whenever they try to talk about global warming, climate change or rubber ducky arbitrage.
Florida Governor Rick Scott has denied having anything to do with the implants. “Maybe they had them put in as part of some kind of kinky sex ritual,” the Republican smirked. “What state employees do on their own time is something I’m not supposed to pry into, no matter how entertaining it would be!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Mar21.html]
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Morality Is In The (Black) Eye Of The Beholder
In its ongoing battle against nouns, the Harper Government of Canada is planning on sending troops to help prop up the government of Syrian dictator Assad al-Bashir. It is also funding shadowy groups of soldiers opposed to ISIS but not necessarily loyal to the west, groups that, in the best traditions of Afghanistan, might turn the weapons we give them on our soldiers in the not especially distant future.
Why are we doing this? “Moral clarity,” Foreign Minister Rob Nicholson explained.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
10802918964713&call_pageid=962337778492&col=968643972102]
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Not Necessarily: Fifty Minutes Of Car Chases And Gunplay And Half An Hour Of Dumb Frat Boy Humour Goes A Long Way…
221B Jump Street. Starring Tatum Channing and Jonah Hill. Written by Comet E. Directed by Goshen Bygolleee. The aging undercover cops take on one more mission before students mistake them for the grandfathers of actual college students. This time, they’re investigating a fraternity that is suspected of photographing naked, passed out co-eds without their permission and circulating the images. This should be the shortest film in the series, considering they posted the pictures to Facebook!
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0128643/]
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Unfortunately, The House Majority Was Still Standing
Passage of a bill lauding the Easter Bunny as a model of industriousness and American “get up and hop” has ground to a halt in the Senate after Democrats objected to a provision in the bill that would ban all lepus curpaeums from having abortions.
“That provision has been in the bill since Jesus was in the cradle,” crowed Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell. “The opposition has had plenty of time to object – at least a hundred generations! – could it be that they are the true obstructionists here?”
“Wha – who – really?” Democratic Senator Dick Durbin huffed and puffed. “That’s not the way things are supposed to work!”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2015/ALLPOLITICS/03/18/reps.main/index.html]
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Base Behaviour Nothing New For This Lot
Parti Quebecois leadership candidate Pierre Karl Peladeau has complained that the federal government is sending ethnic immigrants to the province to dilute the separatist vote. “We won’t have 25 years to achieve this,” Peladeau claimed. “With demographics, with immigration, it’s clear that we’re losing one riding a year. We would like to have more control of it, but don’t be fooled. Who controls the immigrants who settle in Quebec? It’s the federal government.”
The federal response was swift. “Hey, our base hates immigrants as much as yours does!” Prime Minister Stephen Harper commented. “Can’t we all just get along?”
With a smirk, he added, “Besides, as long as Canada takes in immigrants, we have to put them somewhere…”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/baseinstinct.htm]
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“Oy!” Laughed The Pope, “He’ll Never Let Me Live The Inquisition Down!”
Amid increasing reports of ISIS forcing Christians in the Middle East to convert to Islam or face death, Pope Francis has condemned the practice. “Naughty, naughty,” he said. “Very bad. Don’t do it.”
“The Pope?” Lev Remtser, Chief Rabbi of Beth Tsuris Synagogue in Bethlehem, exclaimed. “The Catholic Pope? Oy – he would know a thing or two about forced conversions!” Remtser, who is widely, almost fondly, known as “The Kibbitzer Rebbe,” smiled and said, “Ooh! Good one! I gotta remember that for my next Farcebook update!”
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Mar214.html]
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Because What Information Wants, Information Gets
An internal investigation of the Office of the Auditor General found that more than one in five encrypted USB drives entrusted to employees was lost. Misplaced. Mislaid. Vanished. Nowhere to be found. However, the Harper Government of Canada was quick to assure the populace that this was not a problem.
“You know how information wants to be free?” mused Stephanie Rea, a spokesweasel for Treasury Board President Tony Clement. “We’re just facilitating that desire.”
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2015/03/22/509727.html]
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Bet You Didn’t Realize That Animal House Was A Documentary!
INT. GENERIC STATE UNIVERSITY’S PRESIDENT’S OFFICE – DAY
The PRESIDENT is talking to the press.
PRESIDENT: (loudly outraged) I’m shocked! Shocked, I tell you! That a fraternity would do something as despicable, as inhumane, as…illegal as taking photographs of passed out, nude co-eds while singing racist songs and hazing new pledges to within an inch of their lives! This appalling practice must end right away!
A man in a non-descript business suit wearing a green croupier’s cap walks up to Barron and hands him a bulging burlap sack.
BURSAR: (quietly) Contributions to the college fund from alumnae who were members of the fraternity, sir.
Barron takes the bag and demurely hides it behind his back.
PRESIDENT: (quietly) Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. (loud again) Rest assured I will put an end to this!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227523]
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