If any more proof was needed that the 1980s are really the 1950s in less constricting clothing, it was supplied by Public Works Canada. A recently released guide to dealing with nuclear war suggests that Canadians can build fall-out shelters with wading pools, waterbeds, chests of drawers, bookcases, shower curtains and doors without knobs and that, in case of nuclear attack, “electrical power failures are likely.”
(The scariest thing about the booklet, which provides instructions for an improvised outdoor shelter consisting of a trench, doors and a dirt roof, is that the US government has ordered 8,000 copies!)
This is not the first time that the Canadian government has tried to prepare Canadians for the future by plundering the past. In 1984, appropriately enough, the Navy released a book called The Military Knowledge Manual, which offered fascinating advice on “dishes” (the Naval term for women: “Ladies expect to have doors opened for them, to have their cigarettes lit, bless them!” and “She certainly should be more mellow than she was at the beginning if the gin has done its work!”), among other subjects.
What other government publications have lagged 30 years behind public consciousness and social progress? The following is by no means a complete list:
Rock and Roll: Musical Menace? (Ministry of Culture, 1983). An exploration of the seamy side of this youngsters’ “fad,” Musical Menace documents cases of young girls fainting at rock concerts and musicians inciting lustful thoughts by wiggling their hips during performances. The book contains a lengthy chapter on how parents can cope with children influenced by rock and roll, including locking them in their room without any supper, taking away their allowance and forcing them to listen to 20 straight hours of Wayne Newton.
The Russian Menace (External Affairs Ministry, 1985). Completely ignoring the Third World, this volume describes international politics as a struggle between the “godless Commie hordes” of Russia’s “Evil Empire” and the “freedom loving” people of the west, most notably Americans. Citizens are encouraged to immediately notify authorities if they suspect anybody of communist activities, communist sympathies or wearing too much red.
Should I Let Him Hold My Hand? (Supply and Services, 1986). A thin pamphlet meant to be distributed in high schools in order to help teenagers deal with their budding sexuality, Should I Let Him Hold My Hand? Deals with such delicate topics as “Does kissing on the first date make me loose?”, “Does this mean we’re married?” and “101 ways to say no.”
Choosing the Right Career For Your Child (Health and Welfare Canada, 1984). According to this massive document, boys should become lawyers, accountants, doctors, bankers or auto mechanics, while girls should become nurses, teachers or social workers. Parents are advised to discourage their daughters from pursuing careers designated more suitable for boys on the grounds that, “girls are more emotional than boys, and less suited for intellectually demanding careers.”
The Impact of New Technology on Society (Ministry of Science and Technology, 1983). Will the advent of television sound the death knell for books and movies? Although far too bulky for commercial use, can computers have serious military applications? If so, who is going to fill out all those cards? Are there any practical uses for space, and, if so, how are we going to get there? These and other thought-provoking questions are explored in this forward-looking book.
Government Grants Available to Artists (Ministry of Culture, 1984). Two pages long.
Helping Maintain Law and Order (Ministry of Justice, 1983). This layman’s guide to police procedures offers the following advice: “A police officer is your friend. While in the midst of an investigation, he would appreciate your courteous cooperation. When being questioned by a police officer, answer fully and politely. After all, he is there for your protection.”
Confederation: Issues and Implications (Supply and Services, 1982). Some Canadians might find statements like, “Ontario and Quebec should be prepared to share their wealth and technological and cultural superiority with the newer, less advantaged provinces to the east and to the west” blatantly offensive. However, Supply and Services assures us that all its maps now contain all nine provinces.
Current Economic Theory (Ministry of Finance, 1984). Keynesian theories of government intervention in the marketplace are explored in this volume.
Everything old is new again?