Thank you, keri boo, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we wanted to get worked up about Elections Ontario’s ruling that Liberal Party operatives offered former candidate Andrew Olivier a job (read: bribe) to drop out of the Sudbury by-election. Really, we did. We poked and prodded and massaged our outrage glands until they screamed at us to stop. But, honestly, we couldn’t because this is what Liberals do. Corruption seems to be part of the Party’s DNA. We’re a bit surprised by how inept they have become at it, but, hey, it’s not like they’re removing regulations that will lead to the poisoning of our drinking water or anything that might, you know, actually affect our lives.
Bad Liberals. Bad. You really should stop doing things like this. As if you could.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
You Can Huffington And You Can Puffington But It Won’t Change The Economics Of The Situation
The Huffington Post has announced that it is planning on launching a satirical news show. “This is an opportunity to expand our brand and do some great work, and it has nothing to do with the fact that five minutes ago Jon Stewart announced that he will be leaving The Daily Show,” said Roy Sekoff, one of the hosts of the new show.
In keeping with the Huffington Post‘s tradition, nobody working on the weekly series will be paid. In the past, this has proven to be a winning formula in
“WHAT?” interjected Sekoff. “She can’t be – I don’t – that wasn’t my understanding of…umm…what?”
Do you have a problem with that? Because, you know, working for free for the Huffington Post‘s satirical news show will be great exposure!
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2015/2015/02/13/huffingtonoftrouble/]
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Although Her Death Was Not Violent, There Was Some Gore
Singer-songwriter Lesley Gore has died at the age of 68. Fans of songs such as “You Don’t Own Me,” “Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows” and “That’s the Way Boys Are” were saddened by the loss, but, of course, it’s her funeral and she’ll die if she wants to, die if she wants to, die if she wants to.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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With Their Eyes Closed And Holding Their Noses?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Do YOU Understand How The International Monetary System Works?
GREEK PRIME MINISTER ALEXIS TSIPRAS: The current economic situation in Greece is unsustainable.
EUROGROUP CHAIR JEROEN DIJSSELBLOEM: Agreed.
TSIPRAS: So, how would the European Union be willing to help?
DIJSSELBLOEM: We will be happy to loan the country money in exchange for the government cutting back spending and enacting other austerity measures.
TSIPRAS: But, that is the current economic situation.
DIJSSELBLOEM: Good. Then, you have experience with what you need to do.
TSIPRAS: No, no, no, no, no. My government was elected because the people of Greece are fed up with austerity measures. Unemployment is crippling the country. This situation is unsustainable.
DIJSSELBLOEM: Yes, yes, I have already agreed that the situation is unsustainable.
TSIPRAS: So, what can you do to help us?
DIJSSELBLOEM: We can loan you money in exchange for more austerity measures.
TSIPRAS: (sighs) Do you understand how the democratic process works?
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/gethimawayfromthegreek.shtml]
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We Have The Utmost Faith In Your – HACK – Ability To Protect Our Computer – HACK – Networks
Sorry – I Seem To Have Swallowed A – HACK – Furball…
“Crayola apologizes for hack on Facebook”
– Toronto Star
“Destructive new breed of hackers emerges
After Sony breach reveals sensitive data, FBI issues warning to U.S. companies”
– Toronto Star
“Hacking ring stole almost $1-billion from banks: report”
– Globe and Mail
“Ottawa hacker hits T.O.?
Police site goes down but ‘system not breached'”
– Toronto Sun
“Pro-Assad hackers target CBC, CNBC and other media websites”
– National Post
“Biotech firms targeted by savvy cybercriminals
Stolen email passwords used to view sensitive data within the financial sector”
– Toronto Star
“Hackers turn sights on M&A data”
– Globe and Mail
“Hackers steal data from Kickstarter”
– Globe and Mail
“Hacker hits Twitter exec’s account, sends spam tweets”
– Toronto Star
“Russian hackers swipe personal videos”
– Metro
“Staples hack hits millions of customers”
– Toronto Star
“Provincial website targeted by hacker”
– Toronto Star
“Hackers attack PlayStation, Xbox networks”
– Globe and Mail
“Hackers launch attacks on 19,000 French websites”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=4376533034]
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Meat Is Mordor
Mad cow disease has been confirmed in a beef cow on an Alberta farm, but federal Agriculture Minister Gerry Ritz says it won’t affect Canada’s international beef trade.
“That’s nice, but how will it affect my health?”
“We have a very fulsome testing procedure,” the Minister stated. “…we don’t see this interfering with any of our trade corridors at this time.”
“Great. But, I…I like a good burger every now and again. Should I worry that I could get mad cow disease from eating one? Give it to me straight – I can take it.”
“We don’t expect much impact from this on the international side,” added John Maswohl of the Canadian cattlemen’s Association.
“ME, DAMMIT! HOW IS THIS GOING TO AFFECT MY – aww, screw it. I’m going to have a veggie burger instead!”
SOURCE: Festerin’ Report
[http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/feature2.html]
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The World Has Officially Exhausted Its Supply Of Jokes Using The Phrase “50 Shades Of…”
Headline Writers In Mourning
QUESTION: Where can you draw the fine line between consensual BDSM and violent sexual abuse?
ANSWER: Christian Grey.
QUESTION: What’s the difference between a woman who is given expensive gifts from her lover and a woman who sells her sexuality?
ANSWER: Anastasia Steele.
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=547&dir=bb]
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Germany’s Famed Fourth Necromancers Division Is Feared Throughout Hogwarts
It was recently revealed that German soldiers tried to hide their lack of weapons by replacing heavy machine guns with broomsticks during a NATO exercise. The soldiers apparently painted the wooden sticks black and attached them to the top of armoured vehicles.
“I can see the headlines now,” chuckled Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras. “‘German army sweeps enemy clean!'”
German Chancellor Angela Merkel winced and said, “Okay, we deserved that. But -“
“‘German military sticks to its guns!'”
“Yeah, alright. We get the joke.”
“‘German soldiers no straw dogs.'”
“You were reaching with that one…”
“‘German army not exactly gunning for the enemy'”
“This is about Germany’s firm stand on the Greek bailout, isn’t it?”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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