Thank you, Conchie Fernandez, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Paralympic gold medalist Oscar Pistorius was found guilty of culpable homicide, rather than murder, for the fatal shooting of his girlfriend, Reeva Steenkamp. Some people feel that justice was not served by the verdict. We disagree. For the rest of his life, Pistorius will have to live with the horrifying knowledge that he screams like a girl.
We hope some day he will be able to get past this and get on with his life, because we know nobody else is going to be able to.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The War On Discomfort Claims Another Victim
“I saw a cancerous mass, and I used the latest medical technology to remove it,” Doctor Steve Moore-Oh unrepentantly stated. “Okay, it may not have been an immediate threat to life and limb, but it certainly wasn’t benign!”
Doctor Moore-Oh was referring to using a laser scalpel to cut the tray out of the back of the seat in front of him on a 747 flight to Singapore. This gave him enough room to sit comfortable through the entire trip. Of course, it also gave authorities an excuse to arrest him once the flight landed, although they’re not entirely certain what he will ultimately be charged with.
“It was worth it,” Doctor Moore-Oh insisted, stretching his legs luxuriously.
SOURCE: Condor-Nasty Goer
[http://www.cngoer.com/air/legs-orange-bull-contrast]
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And, Nobody Cleaned The Garbage Off The Classroom Floor.
And, Nobody Knew What Constituted “Graduation” (Or Wanted To Attend The Ceremony).
And…
New Democratic Party leader Thomas Mulcair is promising that if he forms the next Canadian government, he will create a national daycare programme. He makes no mention of the fact that the NDP was instrumental in the fall of Liberal Prime Minister Paul Martin’s government, scuttling much legislation, including the best chance the country had to that time for a national daycare programme.
The Absurd Ironyometer would like it to be known that it was schooled on the University of the Streets; okay, the curriculum had some holes and the professors had dubious credentials and were highly disorganized. Still, the AI turned out alright, all things considered, so your children can, too.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Unfortunately, Happiness Is Not Scientifically Measurable
A Russian experiment in which geckos were sent into space to determine the effects of zero-gravity on their reproductive systems and sexual habits ended in tragedy when it was discovered that they had all died.
“This sad outcome has not furthered the cause of scientific knowledge,” Russia’s Federal Space Agency reported. “But, on the bright side, at least they all died happy!”
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1824H3EC-2C173-20K5-AAA1940614B711411]
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Aren’t You Forgetting Something?
OMG! The stars! And, the parties! And, the journalists from all over the world! But, mostly the stars! Benedict Cumberbatch! Mark Ruffalo! Kate Winslet! I…didn’t see any of them. But, I did see the guy who did prosthetics for the Yugoslavian director’s adaptation of Ibsen’s A Dollouse…coincidentally starring Cumberbatch, Ruffalo and Winslet!
TIFF rocks!
The Unusual Suspects: We know at least one of the people in this lineup committed the crime of art at the Toronto International Film Festival – can you identify him or her? Take your time. It’s more important that you be right than fast. No, they can’t see you: the light shining in their eyes makes it impossible to see anybody on this side of the stage.
This is your film festival. And, your film festival. And, obviously, your film festival. Oh, and, don’t worry, this is your film festival, too. And, yours. And, yours. And – you better get some popcorn cuz this could take a while!
SOURCE: Jennifer’s Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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Mosque Of The Red Death?
The Conservatives said the Liberal leader’s recent visit to a mosque that had ties to extremists indicates that Justin Trudeau lacks judgment. The Tory government on Monday announced the next phase of its anti-cyberbullying awareness campaign.
Finance Minister Joe Oliver said Monday that Trudeau’s visit to the mosque “in effect seem[s] to be giving a stamp if not of approval, at least of neutrality.” Oliver…pointed out the government has spent $3.7 million on anti-cyberbullying initiatives so far this year.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Rant Like Nobody’s Watching…And There Will Be Consequences
Ferguson Missouri police officer Dan Page has been suspended for a RantTube video in which he called Barack Obama “our undocumented President” and railed against the “black robed perverts” of the US Supreme Court.
“It was just incredibly unprofessional,” said St. Louis County Police Chief Jon Belmar. “Our state’s officers know better than to say things like that…while cameras are rolling.”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2014-09-09-frontline-oopsies_x.htm]
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China In A Bull Shop
Stung by criticism of the Harper Government of Canada’s apparent silence on the issue of Chinese repression of rights in Hong Kong, Foreign Affairs Minister John Baird’s office pointed to a tweet which read: “Canada strongly supports democratic development in Hong Kong.”
The tweet would have been more convincing if it hadn’t come with the hashtag #nowgetoutofourfacesowecantradewithchina.
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/right-wing-foolishness-baird/]
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Mack Sennett And Mary Fallin Share A Dark Sense Of Humour
A doctor and a paramedic failed almost a dozen times to place an IV during an Oklahoma inmate’s execution. Not only that, but they didn’t know what to do when the line they secured to deliver a lethal injection began leaking drugs. People are shocked when they hear stories like this, but they shouldn’t be. This is what happens when you hire Keystone Koroners to handle state executions.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel – Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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Sweet But Bad For You (And, We’re Not Talking Trans Fats!)
First, a multimillion dollar Harper Government of Canada ad campaign in Washington subway stations used a photo supplied by TransCanada, a Canadian energy company seeking US approval for a major pipeline project. Now it has been revealed that a law passed by Nebraska that would give the state the authority to assess and approve pipeline routes, bypassing state legislators, was written after “numerous conversations” with representatives of TransCanada.
“I don’t see what the problem is,” said TransCanada spokesweasel Shawn Howard. “We believe in democracy and are happy to give something back when we can. We may be guilty of friendliness, but, last time I checked, being friendly was no crime.”
SOURCE: Ferbs
[http://www.ferbs.com/sites/hosannabearsling/2014/09/07/we-give-and-we-give-and-still-we-get-no-respect/]
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