Thank you, Lance Greencastle, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we wondered: if a theatre company staged a double bill of Puppetry of the Penis and The Vagine Monologues, would a new play be born nine months later?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Good Fences Make Bad Neighbourhoods (Especially If They Deal In Jewelry)
Autistic children in a group home in Etobicoke have split on the issue of a politician living nearby. “Doug Ford is a thug and a bully and a druggie enabler,” said Effluvium Jones, age seven. “If he never left his house, that would be one thing, but for some unknown reason he goes out… He is loud and obnoxious and his presence has ruined the neighbourhood.”
“Okay, he may not be a nice person,” allowed nine year-old Jefferson Starr-Shippe, “but he is a human being and he has to live somewhere. Just because he is a politician doesn’t mean that we should lose sight of his humanity.”
In response to the controversy, Ford roared incoherently and ripped a phone book in half.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2014/05/19/509727.html]
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She Should Fire Her Adviser – Hugh Bris
As part of a campaign calling for the freedom of the Nigerian schoolgirls kidnapped by Islamic militants, supermodel Irina Shayk has posted a picture of herself topless on Twitter. It has not received the response she expected.
“We have gazed upon Irina Shayk’s Wowsers of Wisdom, her Udders of Understanding, her Teats of Teaching, and we have seen the error of our ways,” said Boko Haram spokesperson Jeff ibn Q. “From now on, we will not discriminate against women or girls – we shall slaughter all infidels regardless of their gender.”
“Oh, well, ah, that’s progress…of a sort…I guess,” Shayk replied.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M3UF79LWOLFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s438/Os/00/
e3DUeReDR.ZvwF!6iG4gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=42761]
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And, You Wonder Why Fifty Shades Of Blah Blah Is So Popular?
The Stigmatists
Jerzey Audrette
Hachette Job Publishing
711 pages
This is a novel about a writer whose first novel was rejected by a major prize jury; his second novel is about a writer who is writing a novel about the jury for a major prize that will reject the novel that he is writing. Or, something like that. I must admit that, after the first chapter, I got lost in the sea of self-reflexive novel-gazing.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.43.67/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Whoever Said We Get The Government We Deserve Must Have Been A Low Information Pundit
Regressive Conservative Party leader Tim Hudak has promised that, if elected Premier of Ontario, he will send the province into a deep recession. “I will cut 100,000 jobs from the public sector,” Hudak quickly stated, standing in front of a chicken plucking threshing machine, “and I have made a promise to create one million jobs that I have no reasonable plan to fulfill! That, my friends, is lea -“
Hudak was cut off when the owner of the chicken plucking threshing machine, who had not given him permission to orate in the area, chased him off with a solar powered broom.
“It’s not a bad start,” said Fraser Institute researcher Beppi von Trappe. “But, if he wants to be taken seriously as a recession creator…by people like me…Hudak has to detail exactly how he plans on cutting employment in the province!”
Why would anybody vote for such a platform? “Unlike most politicians, Tim Hudak is up front about his intentions,” said voter Mimi Mimosa. Yeah, but his intentions are going to cause widespread misery throughout the province. “Who knows what the other party leaders are hiding?” Mimosa insisted. “It’s probably worse!” What could be worse than –
“Yeah, support the middle class, open for business, blah blah blah – I can talk the same talk as Tim Hudak,” said NDP leader Andrea Horvath. “But, my party has a history of supporting social justice causes!”
“See?” Mimosa despaired.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1083591834783&call_pageid=968335558492&col=247666972063]
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Alternate Title: The Cooked Geeses
Godzilla versus the Three Stooges
starring Moe Howard, Larry Fine, Curly Howard and more CGI than you can poke an eye out with
written by A. Comity
directed by Gareth Edwards
Our scaly green anti-hero is roused from its slumbers once again to fight a sixty foot tall comedy troupe that is wreaking havoc in Los Angeles. How will Godzilla protect itself from a double eye poke? And, more importantly, has it come to this? Hey, Hollywood: has it finally come to this?
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0778648/]
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By The Time They Get To Penguin Inhalation, You Have To Wonder How Cruel And Unusual The Legislators Are
In response to a shortage of drugs for lethal injections of death row inmates, the state of Tennessee has passed a law that would allow it to use the electric chair to execute criminals. Although most people don’t realize it, the law actually goes much further, creating a hierarchy of acceptable methods of execution.
For instance, if no electric chairs are available, inmates could face a firing squad. If the firing squad has run out of bullets, criminals could be dispatched by guillotine. If the guillotine blade is too rusty, they could be ripped apart by horses. If the horses are skittish, they could be garrotted. If piano wire is not available, they will be thrown into a pool of hungry piranhas. If the piranhas have just been fed, well, the options get somewhat ickier after that.
“The important thing,” said Republican Governor Bill Haslam, “is that justice is done.”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1144742700263653.xml]
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Uganda Be Serious!
Canada has denied visas to ten Ugandan activists invited to Toronto’s World Pride human rights conference because they were not cleared by pre-Imm. “Our clairvoyants told us that six of the Ugandan activists would seek asylum,” said programme director John Anderton, “two would get drunk in a bar and get into a loud argument about sequins and one would apply to get on Canada’s Got Talent. We couldn’t allow that to happen.”
“You can’t keep people out of the country based on what you think they might do,” argued human rights activist Connie Hopsthead.
“Pre-Immigrant clairvoyants are never wrong,” Anderton insisted. “Oh, and in answer to your next question: when they’re homosexuals. This government isn’t really down with the gays.”
“Besides,” Hopsthead asked, “when is it a problem for visitors to this country to seek asylum? Especially when they come from one of the most repressive places on the face of the planet?”
Anderton smiled smugly.
SOURCE: Ottawa Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/OttawaStunned/News/2014/05/21/509727.html]
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