Curtain up on NORMAN, a rock star, sitting behind a desk full of cassette tapes. The office is small, with a lone gold record on the wall. Norman puts a tape into the recorder on the desk and pushes PLAY.
FIRST MALE SINGER: (singing) You ain’t nothin’ but a groundhog
Burrowin’ all the time
You ain’t nothin’ but a groundhog
Burrowin’ all the time
You got a big old nose
And your face is full of grime
With a groan, Norman removes the tape and puts another one in the machine.
SECOND MALE SINGER: You say digest, I say whoa
You say eat, I say no no no
No dough
You say good pie and I say jello, jello, jello
I don’t know why you say good pie, I say jello, jello, jello
I don’t know why you say good pie –
Norman stops the tape, takes a bottle out of a desk drawer and, drinking, replaces the tape with yet another one.
THIRD MALE SINGER: (singing) Mankind has reached a new stage, now
Genetic experiments are all the rage, I
Am assigned to watch over what science has done
Sometimes the test are so badly run
I’ve been watching for defectives
Oh, in test tubes
I’ve been watching for defectives
As they grew, grew, grew, grew
You’ve got to be strict when selection starts
You can’t keep them if they’ve got no heart
Gene splicing is a delicate operation, I
Watch all the fetuses reach maturation, I –
Norman angrily hits the STOP button. He puts his head on his arms on the desk. Enter PHIL, who is looking for him.
PHIL: Oh, man, there you are. Are you still at it?
NORMAN: (looking up) Four hundred demo tapes, man, and just as many to go…
PHIL: Why don’t you take a break?
NORMAN: We need one more song to complete the album.
PHIL: So? We’ll rip off some chords from the Byrds. Who’s gonna know?
NORMAN: I will, man. This last song has to be a good one.
PHIL: (putting a hand on Norman’s shoulder) Look; in the room next door is a party the likes of which hasn’t been seen since the days of Caligula. Anything you want, and it’s yours. And, best of all, the label is picking up the tab. What do you say?
NORMAN: I – you’re disgusting, you know that?
PHIL: (shrugs) We got a reputation to uphold, you know.
NORMAN: I’ll be along in a while.
PHIL: (a but angry) Oh, what are you looking for, anyway?
Walls fall back to reveal a rock band on stage.
NORMAN: (singing) I never thought my tune would be so long
It must be short to be a popular song
It must include a heavy guitar riff
Constant beat and vocals not too stiff
CHORUS: (singing) It was the beat of the moment
Telling us where our song went
The beat of the moment
That showed in our sales
NORMAN: (singing) And, now we find our band in ’83
Gaining more in popularity
What use have we for something they call “art”
When tailor-made music dominates the charts
CHORUS: (singing) It was the beat of the moment
Telling us where our song went
The beat of the moment
That showed in our sales
NORMAN: (singing) And, when we all are rich and dues are paid
Then we might make some music our own way
But, till then demographics rule the scene
And, all our music’s aimed at average pre-teens
CHORUS: (singing) It was the beat of the moment
Telling us where our song went
The beat of the moment
That showed in our sales
The beat of the moment
The beat of the moment
The beat of the moment
That showed in our sales
Walls return; we’re back in an office.
PHIL: Wow, man! Great effects!
NORMAN: Thanks. Do you see why I have to be careful choosing this song, man?
PHIL: Umm, no, man. I wasn’t paying attention to the song.
NORMAN: (angry) Oh, man oh man, man!
PHIL: Hey, man! Don’t man oh man, man me, man!
NORMAN: Didn’t you hear a word?
PHIL: Yeah. Demographics. Norman, baby, it doesn’t matter what song you choose. We could sing “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer.” And, do you know why it doesn’t matter?
NORMAN: (knows) Why?
PHIL: Cause we got the record label behind us, baby. That means we’ll get lots of airplay, which means guaranteed big bucks. Get it?
NORMAN: (unconvinced) Yeah, I know all that –
PHIL: You’re getting to be a real downer, you know? Are you coming?
NORMAN: Be there in a couple of minutes.
PHIL: (shrugs) Suit yourself…
Phil exits. Norman puts another tape in the recorder and, after a second, hits PLAY.
FOURTH MALE SINGER: (singing) Strange young men walking in sheets and coming up to my door
Asking for money so that they can eat and pray real keen
Look out! There!
CHORUS: Where?
FOURTH MALE SINGER: (singing) There, there goes Dawn and she’s with one of them
He’s selling flowers and he’s bald
And thinks he knows the truth
Has she really gone devout with him
Is she really gonna pray with him tonight
Has she really gone devout with him
Cause if my mind don’t deceive me
There’s something going down around her
NORMAN: (stopping the tape, frustrated) Aaaaaargh!
Curtain.
(with plentiful apologies to Elvis Presley, The Beatles, Elvis Costello, Asia and Joe Jackson)