Thank you, Zoltan Zeds, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we had a great holiday, thank you for asking. Rob got a DWI citation before he even got into his car to drive home after the office ChristmaKwaanzUka party – thank goodness for proactive policing! Marie-Claire (no relation to the magazine) got notice from her ex-husband’s lawyers that he wants to change their child custody agreement. Vaclav got a sexually transmitted disease from partying too hard with somebody he met through AshleighPaddingtonBare.com. Marie-Claire (no relation to the other Marie-Claire) in typesetting got a bill for presents that she’s going to have to take a second job to pay off (shh – don’t tell management). Mohammed got death threats for being a terrorist Muslim bastard (he would have settled for a tie). Jay got salmonella from eating fish that spoiled when his apartment lost power for two days (management believes it served the cheap bastard right). The other Marie-Claire (no relation to anybody) in typesetting has wistfully given up trying to figure out what the mass of fur and guts in the box delivered to her cubicle may once have been. And, these are just the staff members’ experiences that we feel comfortable talking about!
Best wishes for 2014. It can’t be any worse than 2013. Trust us on this one.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
At Last A Politician Who Knows How To Say He’s Sorry!
At the end of a brief radio interview a couple of days ago, Industry Minister James Moore said, “Is it my job to feed my neighbour’s child? I don’t think so.” Under fire for the remark, Moore has issued an abject apology.
“I clearly breached Cabinet confidentiality by saying in public something that we all believe in private,” Moore obsequioused all over the place. “I deeply regret embarrassing the Prime Minister, and for that I wholeheartedly apologize.”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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It’s The Hotel California Of Anti-terror Tools!
The American terrorist no-fly list reached a milestone yesterday when, for the first time in its history, it grew larger than the entire population of the planet. This has statisticians and forensic golf pros scratching their heads: who could be on it? Vampires? Zombies? Aliens?
Not surprisingly, the Transportation Security Administration is not saying.
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=37492641303041314895fx]
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Internet Chatter Suggests The Jolly One Has Many Enemies On The Naughty List!
A mild controversy has erupted over a YouTube video of Santa’s sleigh being escorted through the sky by NORAD fighter jets. NORAD has, of course, defended the practice.
“We understand from sources within the elf community that The Grinch has had ties to Al Qaeda for many years,” said US Navy Captain Jeff Davis, a NORAD spokesperson. “And, recent Intel has suggested that he was armed by Syria with anti-aircraft missiles. Like everybody, we just want to make sure that Santa has a merry Christmas.”
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2013/12/24/Christmas/main742817.shtml]
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Black Box, Black Hole – It’s A Fine SLUUUUUUURRRRRRPPPPPP!
How do political parties decide to shift policies? Internal deliberations are rarely disclosed. Unfortunately, because the only thing we have to rely on is the imperfect public record, there are usually steps in the decision-making process that the public will never know. These steps are known as “the black box of politics.” One example of the process looks like this:
What happened in the black box? Did everybody in the Conservative Party travel to another dimension and recoil in horror at the consequences of its policies? Did they get hit on the head with a blunt instrument and forget what they originally believed in? Was the right infected with “let’s shrink the size of government until we can drown it in a bathtubitis” (also known as Norquist’s Tourniquette) and conveniently forgot that it was responsible for the problem in the first place?
Whooaa there, big fella. Let’s not get crazy!
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=784&dir=bb]
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This Is Especially True Of Areas With High Marijuana Consumption!
Milwaukee has begun to spread old cheese brine on its roads to keep them from freezing, mixing it with more traditional rock salt. This promises to trim costs and ease pollution, although the mixture has the drawback of smelling a little like mozzarella.
On the plus side, sales of pizzas have skyrocketed in the areas where the pilot programme has run.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=10dddcc7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a007]
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Well, No Crazier Than You Already Are, In Any Case!
An inquiry into the seizing of rifles and shotguns from abandoned homes in High River, Alberta during the flood has exonerated the RCMP from any wrongdoing. The inquiry found that lives were likely saved because the guns where kept out of the hands of criminals.
“The inquiry was obviously biased!” exclaimed Sheldon Claire, President of the National Firearms Association. “We need an inquiry into what went wrong with the first inquiry!”
Whooaa there, big fella. Let’s not get crazy!
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/News/2013/12/20/709525.html]
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Wasn’t This A Paul McCartney Solo Song?
(If It Wasn’t, It Should Have Been!)
The Imaginary Military Has Our Enemies on the Run
With ships that are aging
And tanks we find are no longer raging,
Will poor Canada’s war waging
Be up to the 21st century?
If, on military action your heart is set,
You can’t fight with a reduced armylet.
But what can you do if a bigger military budget you can’t get?
Call on the Imaginary Military!
So itching for battle are Conservative ranks,
They’ve cancelled an order for trucks that act like tanks.
Without so much as, “Let’s do lunch and thanks”
To the corporations which on it were bidding.
You want military intelligence? Here is a scoop:
The Imaginary Military will move our troops!
There is a certain on again/off again pain
To the government’s attempts to replace our aging fighter planes
That has military suppliers singing the refrain,
“Oh, man, you’ve got to be kidding!”
As the air force scrimps and scrapes and somehow manages to get by,
The Imaginary Military off into the sunset will fly.
For pols who love war, you’d think the Conservatives would be bolder
In replacing Sea King choppers that are 50 and continue to grow older.
Meanwhile, specs get simpler and manufacturers’ hearts grow colder
As on their hands the government’s sitting.
A sad story to be sure, but you had best bet
The Imaginary Military will protect us from all foreign and native threats!
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/678.html]
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