Thank you, Terrerarium Tomita, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we found out that October was national cookie month. WHY DIDN’T ANYBODY TELL US ABOUT THIS? WE’VE ALREADY WASTED THREE WHOLE WEEKS! Then, our mothers told us: “Oh, don’t be silly. Every month is cookie month.”
Our mothers are wise. Now, where did they hide the jar…?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
I Think We’ve All Learned A Valuable Lesson Today…
HABITS OF HIGHLY UNSUCCESSFUL PEOPLE Doodah Zipploovian
Doodah Zipploovian has made a name for herself as a failed fundraiser for both up and coming and established political candidates. She is staunchly non-partisan, having helped both Conservative and Liberal candidates lose elections. Her most recent gig has been fundraising for Greenpeace in Alberta. How does she do it?
INDISCRIMINATELY CHOOSE CLIENTS. Zipploovian was a fundraiser for the Michael Ignatieff Liberals. “I…didn’t really understand him much when he spoke,” she admitted with a shrug. “I thought his intellectual approach to politics was just what Canadians were looking for.”
MISREAD THE PUBLIC MOOD. “Did I mention that I thought Michael Ignatieff’s intellectual approach to politics was just what Canadians were looking for?” Zipploovian asked with a sigh. To be fair, she also thought Toronto voters, fed up with Liberal scandals, would give Tim Hudak’s Conservatives a huge majority in Ontario. “The analysis was correct,” Zipploovian mused. “Too bad the voters messed it up.”
BAD RELATIONS WITH THE PRESS. No public person can be truly unsuccessful without a horrendous relationship with newspaper and broadcast journalists. “Did you quote what I said about Ontario voters messing up our analysis?” Zipploovian moaned in disbelief. “I can’t believe you would go out of your way to make me sound like such a moron! Don’t you have any [EXPLETIVE DELETED] ethics, you [EXPLETIVE DELETED] piece of [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED]! That’s it, pal! I’m never talking to your [EXPLETIVE DELETED] rag again!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20131019.eladvote1019_@/BNStory/newsOops2013/]
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Unless You Get Turned On By Talk Of Senate Reform, In Which Case, Uhh, Yeah, You’re Probably Beyond Help, But You Should Seek It Anyway
Monday. 9pm. Vision. ZoomerTV. Denise Donlon gets you all hot and bothered with a round table discussion of sex. Then, Conrad Black kills the mood by talking about Senate reform.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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No Word On Whether The Civil Servant Was A Virgin
Erstwhile (read: holding strong political convictions…for a brief period of time) Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti is hoping to get back in the good graces of Mayor Ford by sacrificing a civil servant. To this end, he made public a photograph of a community center worker with his, or possibly her head lying on her, or maybe his arm on…whoever’s desk, apparently asleep.
“I have offended the mighty and terrifying lord of Ford Nation,” Mammoliti intoned. “I offer up the body of this sacrifice as testament to my desire for atonement. Please, please, please, please, please take me back in! I promise, I will never question your judgment again, this time! Honest!”
There was no response from the mayor’s office. Truly, the Ford works in mysterious ways…
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/news/city/why-you-don’t-want-a-mammolitigram/]
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An Open Letter To Open Letter Writers:
Y?
Sincerely,
Me
An Open Letter to the World:
La la la la la. I can’t hear you!
Love,
Miley Cyrus
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-4734183781506374cahs01.html]
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He Obviously Doesn’t Believe In The Hippopotamus Oath
I have a friend who believes that being a black Republican is the very definition of crazy. I would argue that the fact that some black Americans feel comfortable protecting their economic interests at the expensive of their fellow citizens regardless of race, creed or colour is a sign of how successful America has been in overcoming racial prejudice.
You’ve come a long way, baby.
It’s hard to know what’s crazier about Ben Carson’s statement. Invoking slavery in the health care debate is ignorant and foolish, especially since giving Americans who didn’t have it a choice of health insurance is the exact opposite of government control. The fact that the statement was made at the Value Voters Summit gives one pause, although keeping many Americans poor and sick is a value, I suppose. No, ultimately, it’s the fact that Carson is, himself, a doctor. If anybody should appreciate the dysfunction of the American health care (lack of) system…
Fortunately, the Bag of Crazy has a robust health care system. Given the havoc crazy can cause, it’s kind of necessary.
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Promised You A…Ninety Minute Set With One Encore (What Were You Expecting – A Miracle?)
Eighties rock band Simple Minds will be playing a concert in Toronto for the first time in over a decade. Did you forget about them?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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What Happened To The Canadian Economy? Hudson’s Baysplosions!
Michael Bay was attacked on the Hong Kong set of his latest film, Transformers XVII: What’s Left Of Earth To Fight Over? by a pair of brothers who own a nearby shop because he refused to give in to their demand for 100,000 HK dollars. Overall, the film director, who received a slight injury, was not impressed by the experience.
“You call that violence?” Bay complained. “Where are the F-15s? Where are the world monuments being reduced to smoking rubble? Where are the splosions? You can’t have real violence without splosions!“
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2013/2013/10/18/sittinonthedockofthebaysplosions/]
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Or That They Believe That They Were Punished After The Last Government Shutdown They Caused BECAUSE THEY WEREN’T RIGHT WING ENOUGH
You know how some Republicans are convinced that not passing debt ceiling legislation is no big deal? You might want to keep in mind that these are the same guys who thought Mitt Romney was a shoo in against Barack Obama!
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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If Nothing Else, We Have To Think Of Our Own Short Term Job Market
An internal audit says that economists for the Bank of Canada are poor writers who have difficulty being succinct and grammatically correct. Naturally, they disagree.
“Abstemious oleaginous carpers will always robustly accentuate negativity,” economist Rory von Syder replied to the audit. “However, long-term economic conditions always indicate.”
“Besides,” von Syder added, “our job is to give those in power wiggle room to pursue whatever policies they see fit. If we wrote in plain English, we might come to conclusions that didn’t fit with our masters’ political biases!”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49dd]
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