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The Daily Me Staff
Ask Me Again In A…Generation Or Two…
Ballad of the Engaged Citizen
I don’t want to hear a-
Nother word about Syria;
I like stories that have good guys and bad.
The side we support has, like Hannibal
Lecter, people who are – ugh! – cannibals,
While there’s the war criminal Bashar al-Assad.
When everyone is a so-and-so,
I just don’t want to know.
I hear the economy is a mess,
Decisions governments make keep wages depressed,
But I’ll never be part of an Occupy mob.
Sure, companies are shipping good jobs overseas
And governments treat unions like a horrible disease,
But, hell, I’m just happy I have a job.
So, while off to the unemployment line my friends do go,
I really do not want to know.
Tough on crime legislation is an epic fail.
The only thing it does is fill our jails.
Still, the government does not want to hear of it.
Evidence of global warming
Or of the long gun registry’s demise harming
People’s safety – the government stays clear of it.
On these and many other subjects I wish I could be thorough
But I’m just trying to get by, so I really, truly don’t want to know.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/647.html]
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The Ultimate Medical Researcher
Did you know that medical studies have proven that driving a car weakens men’s sperm because it forces the male pelvis upwards, crushing a man’s testicles under the dashboard? Did you know that this results in an increase in the number of babies born with clinical problems of varying degrees? No? I didn’t know it either until just a moment, ago, when I made it up. Isn’t science awesome?
I must admit, I don’t understand why a powerful man like Saudi Arabian Sheikh Saleh al-Lohaidan feels the need to resort to science to justify a fundamentally religious social edict. It’s like saying, “God told me to stand on one foot for six hours a day to prove my devotion to Him…and here are the clinical research studies that prove that’s actually good for my health!” What’s the point? He can make clinical studies show anything he wants – He’s God!
Fortunately, the Bag of Crazy is both international and ecumenical. Welcome, Sheikh Saleh al-Lohaidan! Just, please, try to get your llamas to stop eating Terry Jones’ petunias – the pastor can be very territorial!
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Are The Voices In Your Head…Or Your Caucus?
“The votes are not in the House to pass a clean debt limit,” said Speaker of the House John Boehner, “and the President is risking default by not having a conversation with us.”
“I’d vote for it.”
“The votes just aren’t there to pass debt ceiling legislation as it currently stands.”
“Me, too!” “I’d vote for it in a second!” “I’m totally with you on that one!”
“I just – I just can’t do it. Not enough votes, you see.”
“Me, too!” “I’d vote for it in a heartbeat!” “You think I want to be saddled with the legacy of destroying the world economy? Bring the budget to the floor so I can vote for it!” “And, me!” “And, me!” “Me, too!” “And, me!”
“I’m sorry, but I just don’t – is there a buzzing in this room? Does anybody else hear a buzzing sound? Maybe if you slammed the door shut…”
“Let us vote!” “Let us vote!” “Let us vote!” “Let us vote!” “Let us -“
“Ah. Much better. Now, where was I? Right – I have no problem with bringing the debt ceiling issue to the floor of the House, but I just don’t have the votes to get it passed, so there’s really no point…”
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=778&dir=bb]
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You’ll Love The Phone App!
The World’s Smallest Crossword
ACROSS
1. The unknown
DOWN
1. A kind of ray
SOURCE: Tis a Puzzlement!
[hsttp://www.puzzlement.org/Smallest]
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The Change Never Really Made Much Census
The Harper Government of Canada decided to move from a mandatory to a voluntary census because, as far as anybody can tell, a couple of Fraser Institute researchers complained that reality didn’t support their ideological biases. How has that worked out?
“It’s a mess,” said Calgary-based consultant Robert Gerst.
“We’re concluding it’s pretty much garbage,” said University of Toronto professor David Hulchanski.
“The irony is, we’ve spent more money compared to a census to get data which is largely useless…” said Munir Sheikh, former Chief Statistician for Statistics Canada.
“Mission accomplished,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper smirked.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20131002.eladvote1002_@/BNStory/newsOops2013/]
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If They Really Want To Do Us A Favour, They Should Ban All Nine MONTH Olds!
Didja hear about the nine year-old boy who got through security and onto a plane at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport? He actually made it to Las Vegas – I guess, like any other kid his age, he just wanted to get plastered and take in a show. Unfortunately, the flight crew got suspicious and when the plane landed the boy was detained by child protection services.
In response to the incident, the TSA is considering banning nine year-olds from all domestic flights.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel – Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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Ooh, Baby, Stroke My Irrational Exuberance There!
Excitement for Twitter’s coming IPO is running so high that some investors mistakenly started buying stock in a company called Twatter, which produces a relatively unknown pornographic site.
“Oh, that’s awkward,” said one investor, whose online handle was Dong Quincy Adams.
Twatter stock, which had been languishing at two cents a share, skyrocketed to 15 cents a share on trading of over 14.3 million shares.
“Of course, we sold all of our…Twatter stock as soon as we realized our error,” said a trader known as The Red Headed Vixen from Phobos. “Although, we did bookmark the site for…research. Yeah. That’s it. Research.”
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB143413017491167304,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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