Thank you, Quincy Quotidien, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard that the third part of the Atlas Shrugged trilogy would be funded with a Kickstarter campaign. And, we thought, There was a second part to the trilogy? So, we looked it up on the Imaginary Movie Database, and, sure enough, found that Atlas Shrugged II: Shrug Harder had played on three screens in Poughkeepsie, although it was big in Germany, where it played on four screens. But, Kickstarter? Really? If you couldn’t get enough people in to theatres to watch the first two installments of the film, what makes you think you’ll get enough people to give you money through the Internet for the third? If we were you, we would just hit up the Koch brothers for the budget, although the thought of having to produce a $250,000 Kickstarter premium haunts our dreams at night!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Let Them Eat *.
The House of Representatives has approved a measure that would drastically cut the federal food stamp programme, throwing 3.8 million Americans off of it by the end of 2014. We caught up with Republican Representative Stigg McSchnorrer at his favourite restaurant, Les Parapluies des Minuit, and asked him what motivated the vote.
“Pass the pate?” he responded. “My dinner policy is: no cracker left behind. Ha ha ha!”
Sir? About the food stamp vote…?
“What, that?” Representative McSchnorrer stated, waving a hand holding a forkful of steak provencale with a bearnaise sauce. “The federal government is not a four star soup kitchen! Citizens shouldn’t expect to feed at the federal trough just because they’re having trouble making ends meet! Mmm…have you had the truffles here? They’re simply to die for!”
Is it really a good idea, though, to be cutting programmes for the poor when unemployment is high and the middle class continues to shrink?
“What do I look like, an economist?” Representative McSchnorrer groused. “Listen, I do what Paul [Ryan] tells me to do. He says the poor are making out like bandits on the backs of the hard working people of this great country. I mean, why are so many of them overweight? Let them lose a few pounds, and then we’ll see if they deserve government handouts!”
Before I could get another question out, Representative McSchnorrer said: “Do we really have to talk about this? Any more discussion of the poor and it will put me off dinner. Please, have a little pity on me – I haven’t even gotten to the duck a l’orange yet!”
* Means Of Sustenance To Be Determined In Committee At A Later Date
SOURCE: 44 Minutes, 30 Seconds
[http://www.ubsnews.com/stories/2013/09/18/44minutes30seconds/main526954.shtml]
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Make An Abercrombie Line For Another Clothier
Abercormbie & Fitch has agreed to allow workers to wear hijabs, traditional head scarves worn by many Muslim women, as part of a settlement of discrimination lawsuits against the high end retailer. The company had fired one Muslim worker from one of the company’s stores and refused to hire another at a different store because of their refusal to remove their hijabs during work.
Abercormbie & Fitch executives are rumoured to be considering moving their headquarters from Ohio to Quebec.
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=531&but=allis1]
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Chump Climate Change
A new report by the United Nations-sponsored International Panel on Climate Change argues that climate change is “unequivocal” and that human activity is its “dominant cause.” Ninety-five per cent of scientists in the field back the reports’ findings.
The other five per cent were immediately booked to appear on Fox News.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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I Can Haz Success And Maintain My Street Credz?
She sits on a fluffy pillow. Her water bowl is encrusted with diamonds. She no longer chases the red dot of a laser pointer across the floor – she has people to do that for her.
Has success spoiled Grumpy Cat?
“I can still haz teh grumpy!” GC insisted. “I – oh, my lord, did I just break a nail! Really, who let this journalist in my crib? I can’t let him see me like this! Raoul! Franco! SOMEBODY GET HIM OUT OF HERE!”
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1054952736]
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Where Is Frank Capra When You Need Him?
Transcription of select passages from the speech of Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate:
CRUZ: I sometimes feel that those of us in the Senate are like Yertl the Turtle – we would rather retreat into our shells than deal with the real problems facing our great nation. Problems like a President trying to destroy the insurance companies of our great country just because he, you know, won an election where he campaigned on the issue and stuff. THIS MUST NOT PASS! I will not yield the floor until all of the Yertls in the awesome country get the government that they truly deserve! … I…I know my parents loved my brother Talford more than me. I never got any attention at the dinner table – no matter how witty or clever I was, my parents never so much as smiled in my direction. I could have been a four year-old Noel [EXPLETIVE] Coward, not that it would have mattered! I…I…I…I don’t know why I’m telling you this… Yes, I will admit it: I cried at the end of Argo. I…I’m a sucker for a story with a happy ending, especially when it involves the CIA. I – oh, look – I’m getting all misty here!
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637cahs01.html]
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It’s An Easy Mistake To Make
An Egyptian court showed its allegiance to democratic principles by banning the Muslim Brotherhood, which had won a solid majority in the recent election, and ordering the seizure of all of the organization’s assets.
“Democracy is messy,” said Secretary of State Donald Rumsfe…err, John Kerry.
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2013Sep24.html]
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This Country Will Self-destruct In Ten Seconds
More than 60 million publicly available Canadian historical documents will be digitized, but only ten per cent will be available in the first year, increasing by ten per cent each year for a decade until
make people pay for bits and pieces of what they already have full, free access to,” said Pelosia Axminster, head of t
nd, would not use the hockey stick unless the aardva
urple nurp
t
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2013/09/28/governmentjustpracticingsafeaccess130928]
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