Thank you, Greta Gehunigan, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard reports that Catholics who follow the Pope on Twitter would get an “indulgence,” time off their time in purgatory. Then, we were confused by reports that those initial reports were satirical. Then, we were buoyed by new reports that said that just following the Pope on Twitter wasn’t enough – it had to be in the context of living a decent, Christian life. Then, we kind of lost the thread when we read reports that no, seriously, this was all part of the joke. Then, we read that the news had been broken by Archbishop Claudio Maria Celli, head of the pontifical council for social communication and a man not known for his sense of humour. Then, WE WERE OVERWHELMED BY THE UNCERTAINTY AND OUR HEADS EXPLODED!!!!!
And, that, children, is why some Daily Mes have been late this week.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
You May Want To Stay Away From Skittles
This Is Just One More Way They Are Bad For Your Health
George Zimmerman has been found not guilty of second degree murder in the shooting of Trayvon Martin. As a person of pigmentation, you’re probably wondering how this will affect you.
Well, there are no efforts currently underway to make it mandatory for black men to wear targets on their backs – hoodies are sufficient clothing to make you a stand out for a potential vigilante.
You may want to treat white men deferentially – don’t make eye contact, keep your head down, only speak when you’re spoken to – that sort of thing. There are no plans on enshrining this in law, but, honestly, better safe than sorry: you never know what will set some crazy white bastard off!
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2013Jul18.html]
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And, You Thought The Lineups In The Women’s Bathrooms At Yorkdale Were Long!
Employees of Shoppers Drug Mart are stoked that it is merging with Loblaw’s. “There were fist bumps and chest bumps and, yes, I’m secure enough in my masculinity to admit that there were some tears,” said Shoppers President and CEO Dominic Pilla.
When asked if we could talk to one of these ecstatic employees, Pilla replied, “They were so excited, they…they wet themselves. They’re all in the little employees’ room. You could try again in…a week…no, better make that a month – this looks like it’s gonna be a long-term excitement!”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=25ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a721]
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Welcome To J. K. Rowling’s Universe
News has been leaked that Robert Galbraith, the author of The Cuckoo’s Calling, is actually J. K. Rowling, the author of…need I say it? Really? Okay. The Casual Vacancy. Oh, and some books about a child wizard, too. When the news broke, sales of The Cuckoo’s Calling rose 500,000 per cent.
Since the cat is out of the bag, I would like to announce that Welcome to the Multiverse (Sorry for the Inconvenience) was also written by J. K. Rowling. Ira Nayman doesn’t actually exist! Umm, okay, that may come as a surprise to my friends and family. But, I…I…I let her borrow my name as an experiment, because, after all the joy she has given people over the years, it seemed like the least I could do for her.
Of course, I don’t expect anybody’s attitude towards Welcome to the Multiverse to change because it was actually written by a hyper-popular author. I’m just saying…
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Unfortunately, Not Yet Committed In A Useful Way…
A study by anthropologist Douglas Fry suggests that war is not a part of human nature. “NOW YOU TELL ME?” responded Syrian strongman Bashar al-Assad. “I’m kind of committed, here!”
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2013/ALLPOLITICS/07/18/reps.main/index.html]
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History Is Written By The Whiners
City Council has voted to scrap plans to build an LRT in Scarborough and build a subway extension instead. Rob Ford hailed the vote as an “Historic day” for Toronto.
Yep. Historic certainly describes it. The new plan will have half the number of stops and serve substantially fewer people while costing hundreds of millions of dollars more. Not only will the city have to raise taxes, something Mayor Ford has fought against since being elected, to pay for it, but it also requires other levels of government to kick in money, levels City Council has no power over.
Yay. I’m ready for fireworks. To celebrate, I mean…
SOURCE: The Matrixxx
[http://www.thematrixxxto.com/politics/city/the-bitter-way-just-got-bitterer/]
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Yeah, That Conversation About Race? It’s More A Dialogue Of The Deaf…
Neighbourhood Watch volunteer George Zimmerman was cleared of all charges Saturday in the shooting of Trayvon Martin. A Florida woman who fired warning shots against her allegedly abusive husband has been sentenced to 20 years in prison.
“I really was crying in there. I didn’t want to cry in court, but I just really feel hurt. I don’t think this should have been happening.” “We’re ecstatic with the results.”
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Walmart Is Considering Copying The Tool, But It Would Have To Change A Quarter Of It
McDonald’s has a new budgeting tool for its employees called “Practical Money Skills for Life.” It only has one line: “DON’T WORK AT McDONALD’S!”
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel – Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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We Paid For A Revolution And Got THIS? We Wuz Egypt!
Words Get Battered
(But They Still Matter)
The rumble of tanks is easily detected
In a land where the government was properly democratically elected;
But, the Generals felt they were better equipped
To run the country of Egypt.
The people on the streets have spoken – waddya gonna do?
Just don’t call it a coup.
Nobody could foresee
The illegal arrest of Mohamed Morsi,
Or, for the so-called greater good,
Other prominent leaders of the Muslim Brotherhood.
Thus ends a Muslim government’s debut:
In something we’re discouraged from calling a coup.
The protesters who took to Egypt’s streets
Represent the country’s educated elites.
Their ideal of democracy was none too deep: all
It represents is the will of certain people.
In the west, there’s little ado
As long as nobody calls it a coup.
In other circumstances, we would shun
A military government that had suspended its country’s constitution;
But on “religious fanaticism” we need to keep a lid,
So the western response has been strenuously tepid.
In other circumstances, Egypt would be in deep, deep doodoo,
But today it’s all good, as long as nobody calls it a coup.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/634.html]
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