Eleven typical Canadian scenes that should be on the back of the new currency
1) chemical spills on the St. Clair River
2) any rowdy Vancouver bar after midnight
3) the retractable roof of Montreal’s Olympic Stadium
4) large, empty tracts of snow and ice in the Arctic
5) the Don Valley Parkway at rush hour
6) an unemployment line in Newfoundland
7) any Tim Hortons or Dunkin Doughnuts store
8) the Alberta tar sands
9) hookers on Davie
10) my place’s kitchen after a big meal
11) an American Cruise missile crash site in the west
Six places that have yet to refuse Ferdinand Marcos asylum
1) Argentina
2) Nicaragua
3) East Germany
4) El Salvador
5) Haiti
6) Libya
Eight pieces of information to be gained from renewed nuclear testing
1) atomic bombs still explode
2) exploded atomic bombs still have great destructive power
3) exploded atomic bombs still create mushroom clouds
4) atomic bombs exploded underground still don’t create mushroom clouds
5) exploded atomic bombs still create large amounts of radiation
6) radiation from exploded atomic bombs is still harmful to all life forms
7) some radiation from exploded atomic bombs still doesn’t decay for hundreds of thousands of years
8) exploding atomic bombs is still a childish way for a country to display its power
Nine things you shouldn’t attempt to do in a crowded subway
1) spray paint political slogans on the heads of the passengers around you
2) breakdance
3) reconcile Marx’ historical approach to economics with our contemporary experience of the subject
4) saw a woman in half (even if you have permission from the Toronto Transit Commission)
5) sing “Volare” or “New York, New York” loudly and out of key
6) the Heimlich Maneuver
7) get on your knees and make an impassioned plea for world peace
8) write the Great Canadian Novel (with or without The Great Canadian Government Grant)
9) toilet train a child
Eight things Julius Caesar, with all his wealth and power, couldn’t do
1) warm left-overs in the microwave
2) tape an episode of The Equalizer
3) lose himself in a crowded 12th floor office
4) give Brutus a phone call to discuss their differences
5) watch an episode of The Equalizer
6) visit Los Angeles, or even Hoboken
7) use a personal computer to keep track of his finances
8) discuss Gramm-Hollings-Rudman in plain English
Eight corporations you’d like to see taken over hostilely
1) Imasco
2) Turner Broadcasting
3) Gulf Canada
4) Knight-Ridder Newspapers, Incorporated
5) MultiNatCorp CorpIncLtd
6) Argus Corporation
7) International Business Machines
8) Power Corporation
The ten most moderately dressed people in North America
1) Mabel Franklin
2) Louise Schneider
3) Elsa Mae Brown
4) Gary LaPrensa
5) Alfred Wiffenbacher
6) Denise Donlon
7) Ed Koch
8) John Maven
9) Becky Sue Vilfogle
10) Edgar Stewart
Six campaign slogans Clint Eastwood would be ill-advised to use
1) Feeling lucky, voter?
2) Vote for the Mayor with No Name
3) C. J. the Orangutan for Treasurer!
4) Go ahead, make my election day
5) Spaghetti Politics Forever!
6) Play Mayor For Me
Eight sure-fire signs of a loser
1) a person who is surprised by the ending of Gandhi
2) a person who tries to slit his wrists with an electric razor
3) a person little old ladies offer their seats to on buses
4) a person who thinks Ann Landers is an intellectual
5) a person whose Instant Teller machine laughs at him
6) a person who just bought a lot of stock in an oil company
7) a person who has appeared in The New Dating Game
8) a person who tries to find a black cat in an unlit basement at midnight
Seven reasons it’s hard to take Lyndon LaRouche and his followers seriously
1) his belief that the Queen of England is involved in the international drug trade
2) his belief in mandatory AIDS testing for all US citizens, with interment for those who test positive
3) his belief that the Rockefeller family has a “program for world reorganization”
4) his belief that Henry Kissinger and Walter Mondale are “Soviet agents of influence” working towards Russian domination of the world
5) his belief in “Nuremberg trials” for those suspected of treason and the hanging of “drug dealers and traitors”
6) his medieval beliefs about race
7) his slogan “Feed Jane Fonda to the whales”
Two reasons we can’t afford not to take Lyndon LaRouche and his followers seriously
1) Mark Fairchild won the Democratic nomination for Lieutenant Governor of Illinois
2) Janice Hart won the Democratic nomination for Secretary of State of Illinois
Six cycles you wouldn’t want to mess with
1) youth rebels against authority – youth grows up and becomes part of the Establishment – Establishment must control rebelling youth
2) winter – spring – summer – fall (except for some parts of Ontario, where spring is still a myth)
3) wages go up to cover the rising costs of goods – the cost of goods must go up to compensate for higher wages
4) watching action on television is exciting – the excitement soon wears off – the action must become more violent to keep the viewer watching
5) we have to build better weapons to save us from our enemy’s weapons – our enemy has to build better weapons to save them from our weapons
6) spin – rinse – wash – dry