Seven TV Guide entries I personally want to see
1) Tuktoyaktuk Vice (NBC). More drugs. More rock stars and radical fashion. More exciting snowmobile chases. Guest songs include “The Mighty Quinn” and “Cool for Cats.”
2) Politicians Say the Darndest Things (CTV). Prime Minister Brian Mulroney calls opponents of free trade “reactionary,” “prophets of protectionism,” apostle(s) of the status quo” and “timorous…insecure…fretful…” and Ontario Progressive Conservative Party Leader Larry Grossman says that patients should be free to voluntarily give doctors more than the OHIP rate, proving once again that politicians really do say the darndest things!
3) Hockey Night in Canada (CBC). The 20th place Maple Leafs face off against the last place Red Wings in a match that will prove less interesting than filling out your tax returns.
4) Maybe, Minister (TVO). Hilarious panic ensues when the Youth Minister (Andree Champagne) finds that her Ministry was given no money in the latest budget. Later, when a letter by the Minister linking funds for her Ministry to party recruitment of young people is revealed, the Minister sings “Ain’t Misbehavin'” in Parliament.
5) The Canadian Encyclopedia (Global). Part one of a 12 part, 34 hour series based on the popular reference work edited by Mel Hurtig. This special six hour installment (A to Arctic) features Richard Chamberlain, Jane Seymour, Mary Catherine Stewart and William Shanter as a bombastic ice floe.
6) The Love Bore (ABC). Several old, half-forgotten performers meet, sit around the pool, fall in love, catch the show, fall out of love, drink to excess, chase each other around and have heart attacks in this uproarious episode of a show that itself may never die.
7) The Violent Hour (CBS). No plot. No characters. Just violence the way you want it. Features 12 running gun battles, 14 high speed chases ending in fiery explosions and the destruction of a complete South American jungle.
Seven over-used street names
1) King Street
2) Main Street
3) Queen Street
4) First Avenue
5) Front Street
6) Elm Street
7) Pedantic Oxymoron Way
Seven activities that, to be performed well, seem to require a lobotomy
1) talking to the family dog
2) being a contestant on a television game show
3) swimming in icy water in sub-zero temperatures
4) hosting a rock music video show
5) trying to start a fire by rubbing two Bic lighters together
6) trying to photograph a total eclipse of the heart
7) looking for hidden meaning in a Def Leppard song lyric
Seven arguments in a bar that cannot be won
1) whether football is a more violent sport than boxing
2) who’s the better man
3) whether god exists, and, if so, whether or not god approves of strawberry yogurt
4) how they get the caramel in the Caramilk, and why
5) what the real difference is between Loverboy, Honeymoon Suite and Platinum Blonde
6) what the exact composition of Halley’s Comet is
7) whether or not you can argue about taste
Seven cities that couldn’t be New York if they wanted to
1) Paris
2) Rome
3) Vancouver
4) Los Angeles
5) Vienna
6) Toronto
7) Washington
Seven cities that wouldn’t want to be New York even if they could
1) Paris
2) Rome
3) Vancouver
4) Los Angeles
5) Toronto
6) Vienna
7) Washington
Seven things that make no sense in the latter half of the 20th century
1) wide ties
2) conspicuous consumption
3) heavy fog
4) networking
5) sibling rivalry
6) how a song called “Living in America” could get so high on Canadian pop music charts
7) being able to comprehend all of Newton’s laws of physics, but not being able to boil eggs
Seven awards shows that have become boring, over-long, self-indulgent and have otherwise outlived their interest value
1) Oscars
2) Grammies
3) Genies
4) People’s Choice
5) Junos
6) Emmies
7) CASBYs (formerly You-Knows)
Seven sure-fire methods of getting rid of that relative who promised to stay for only one night three months ago
1) politely ask him/her to run an errand for you and, while he/she is out, rent the room to a complete stranger
2) hold fire drills very early every morning for several weeks
3) hang a Vacant sign around his/her neck
4) allow the government to use the room next to his/hers for cruise missile testing (this is also a good way to get rid of unpleasant neighbours)
5) spike his/her diet soft drink, photograph him/her in a compromising position with a stuffed unicorn and threaten to sell the picture to a particularly obnoxious tabloid if he/she doesn’t go
6) sell the house to a landlord known for tripling the rents in his new acquisitions (or, if you hadn’t planned on moving, say you have)
7) ask him/her to leave
Seven comedy axioms
1) no subject is sacred, but some subjects have to be approached very, very carefully
2) somebody will always be offended by your material; the trick is to offend people whose opinions you don’t respect
3) never explain a joke; if they don’t get it the first time, they don’t deserve to have it repeated for them
4) there’s always aluminum siding
5) you can’t underestimate popular tastes
6) the show must go on, but, for your own protection, always know the quickest way out of the building
7) when in doubt, drop your pants