1) A man arrested for allegedly hitting another car while driving and attempting to steal cash and donuts from a gas station said that he was filled with the Holy Spirit and that an officer could draw his blood, but all he would find would be god. How does god show up on a blood test?
a) in the subtext
b) henh henh, funny you should mention that – seems there was a mix-up at the lab…
c) in mysterious ways
2) According to a massive report by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, Canada is becoming a country of growing inequality, in housing, in wealth and between the oil-rich west and the rest of the nation. What is the best approach for the Harper Government of Canada to downplay this report?
a) “The Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development? Never heard of them. How credible can they be if we’ve never heard of them?”
b) “There is only growing inequality in wealth because there is an increasing gap in how much money people have – it’s all just semantics, really…”
c) “It’s all the Liberals’ fault.”
3) According to a global fraud survey by Ernst & Young, twenty per cent of Canadian executives believe bribery and corruption are widespread in this country’s business dealings. What is the best approach for the Harper Government of Canada to downplay this report?
a) “Lawyers! Pfft! Who can trust anything those slimy bastards have to say?”
b) “Only twenty per cent? Clearly, business is still over-regulated!”
c) “It’s all the Liberals’ fault.”
4) Is there anything better than old Jews telling jokes?
a) old Jews telling jokes while eating peanut brittle and stopping to complain about how it’s getting into their false
b) mmm…peanut brittle…
c) new Jews telling old jokes?
d) none of the above (or anything else, dammit! There is nothing better than old Jews telling jokes…except for sex. Okay, sex is better than old Jews telling jokes. And, Internet cat videos. Internet cat videos rule. So, sex and Internet cat videos and the 1992 Toronto Blue Jays – Damn! Is it too late to change my no to a yes?)
5) When you don’t get a promotion at work that you were expecting, what is your best course of action?
a) walking away and getting back to doing the best job that you can
b) spiking the boss’ coffee with LSD…then walking away and getting back to doing the best job that you can
c) taking anger management courses while you’re between jobs (assuming you’re not arrested for possession of LSD)
6) In order to get the public to buy into its proposed Northern Gateway pipeline, Enbridge has been advised to “sweeten the pot” for interested groups. How is this different from bribery?
a) “sweetening the pot for interested groups” has actually been written into the tax code, while you may have to go to court to get a deduction for bribery
b) bribery doesn’t necessarily involve peanut brittle
c) mmm…peanut brittle…
d) “sweeten the pot” has 13 letters (15 if you include spaces), while “bribery” has a mere seven (although, for a small fee, I’d be happy to reverse that for you…)
7) Who is TED, and why does he talk so much?
a) Turner, and if you had as much money as he does, you probably wouldn’t shut up about it, either
b) Danson, and if you had been on a TV series that was as popular as Cheers, you probably wouldn’t shut up about it, either
c) Fratjiblatz, because people won’t stop asking him about the incident with the sword swallowing flamenco dancer and the vat of martinis, and, frankly, if you had been involved in an incident with a sword swallowing flamenco dancer and a vat of martinis, well, you probably wouldn’t shut up about it, either
8) Do you know what the top ten self-publishing mistakes are?
a) listening to people tell me that they know what the top ten self-publishing mistakes are?
b) no, but I bet you have just the weekend course to tell me (which is a shame, because I could probably get the same list, more entertainingly told, in three minutes from David Letterman)
c) …avarice…sloth…uhh…locusts…slaying of the firstborn…umm…not making the most of social media?
9) According to a cutline under a Toronto Star photo, “Islamic militant Abu Qatada was acquitted of planning to a U.S. school in Jordan.” According to the article, what was Qatada accused of planning on doing to a US school in Jordan, an action so horrible that it apparently killed itself before it could be included in the headline?
a) tickling, with intent to kill
b) planning to vote for Justin Trudeau’s Liberals in the next election
c) mmm…peanut brittle…
d) sowing confusion among his enemies by leaving random verbs out of newspaper cutlines – the fiend!
10) Which of the following is the most hypocritical right wing slogan in the age of Obama?
a) “America – love it or leave it!” (they clearly don’t love it, yet they’re still there)
b) “My country, right or wrong!” (unless I don’t like what the government is doing, in which case secede, secede, secede!)
c) (oh, and speaking of which…) “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” (lots of righties seem to want leaders they consider tyrants to be killed, but I don’t see many willing to spill their own blood to do it)
d) really? you’re going to make me choose? Can’t there be an
e) all of the above?
f) thank you
11) How do you negotiate your cable bill when there is only one provider in town?
a) with the judicious application of a pair of pliars…
b) with the judicious application of a pair of incriminating photographs…
c) the way porcupines make love…
12) According to a Globe and Mail columnist, you can’t blame Israel for using an iron fist. If that’s true, who can you blame?
a) the Madagascar penguins
b) the guy who put the bomp in the bomp shoo bomp shoo bomp
c) the couple that are having loud, hot sex in the hotel room next to yours while you’re trying to get to sleep because you have a big presentation due at a breakfast meeting at six the next morning – a career making or breaking presentation, actually – and the couple is reminding you of what you do not have to look forward to when you get back to your wife and kids in a couple of days – man, that’s annoying! (Not that any of the columnists at the Globe and Mail would know from personal experience…)
13) American clothing and accessories retail giant J. Crew recently launched a new size for women: triple zero. What’s next?
a) original zero
b) Googol zero
c) infinite zero (just divide your current waist size by the odds of achieving the waists of women you see in fashion magazines and advertising)
14) Has our society gotten seriously stupider?
a) no, but the Internet gives the stupid person you used to be able to ignore an international megaphone and access to a pool of equally stupid newly empowered people who are happy to magnify the original stupid message – thanks a lot, smart guys!
b) no, it’s gotten hilariously stupider – nyangh nyangh gehay hay!
c) if it had, how would we even know?
15) Former Canadian Senator Mike Duffy has been charged with accepting a bribe in relation to $90,000 he was given to pay for housing expenses he improperly claimed. Why wasn’t Nigel Wright, the man who gave him the check for $90,000, also charged?
a) in Ottawa, cause and effect have moved into separate residences and are considering a permanent divorce
b) Wright is wrong
c) Prime Minister Stephen Harper still likes Wright
16) What is the outlook for young gastroenterologists?
a) “You are standing at the end of a road before a small brick building. Around you is a forest. A small stream flows out of the building and down a gully.”
b) halls full of blood and novels consisting entirely of the phrase “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy” – young gastroenterologists really need to get a better travel agent!
c) the gastrointestinal tract, d’uh!
17) It took two hours for a lethal injection in Arizona to kill convicted murderer Joseph Rudolph Wood. Still, it could have been worse. What could he have spent those two hours doing instead?
a) reading Atlas Shrugged
b) listening to Fox News commentators explain why the Black Death, which peaked in Europe in the years 1346 to 1353, was all President’s Obama’s fault
c) trying to understand the enduring love affair Americans have with the death penalty
18) FIFA or the IOC: which is more corrupt?
a) definitely FIFA: it has honed its corruption by focusing on a single sport, unlike the IOC, whose corruption is diluted across too many sports
b) definitely the IOC, which has the flexibility to adapt its corruption to any new sport it includes, unlike FIFA, which is only corrupt in a single area
c) FIFA!
d) IOC!
e) FIFA!
f) IOC!
g) <face slap> <head butt> <knee to the groin> <tackle>
h) can we just agree that both sporting organizations are incredibly corrupt?
19) Who are bucky balls named after?
a) author Pearl S. Buck
b) actress Lucille Ball
c) Captain America’s sidekick Bucky
20) Is it ever gonna be enough?
a) yes, as long as you don’t try to force that waffer thin mint on me…
b) ask me again when I’ve had too much…
c) that depends upon how soon you can introduce me to Emily Haines…
d) mmm…peanut brittle…