Five things not to do in front of Deputy Prime Minister Erik Nielson
1) make a joke, especially about Velcro
2) hold a caucus meeting in a room where the translation lines might accidentally be switched to the headphones of a member of another party
3) refer to Brian Mulroney’s chin
4) mention the recently canceled Katimavik project
5) Ski down Everest
Eight song titles guaranteed to be hits in the United States
1) “We Built This Country”
2) “U. S. Lady”
3) “Loving in the USA”
4) “Eating in the USA”
5) Shoe Manufacturing in the USA”
6) “When the Going Gets Tough, The Tough Go To America”
7) “A Day in the Life of the United States”
8) “How to be an American Zillionaire”
Six stupid things said during a sports broadcast
1) “Did you see that?”
2) “He’s lying on the ice…not moving…I think he’s hurt…”
3) “Although the score is 43 to nothing at the half, this is a plucky team, and I wouldn’t count them out…”
4) “Oh, wow! And, who says amateur rope climbing isn’t an exciting sport?
5) So, despite all our predictions, the challenger did not come out on top – he was, in fact, knocked out in the first round. But, to be fair to our excellent statistician, it must be pointed out…”
6) “Well, you know the old saying: you can’t argue with the referee. But, in this case, our slow-motion close-up instant replay clearly shows…”
Nine things you can’t do with a microwave oven
1) fry any portion of your anatomy that is properly attached
2) contact the dead
3) roast an elephant whole
4) recreate the German air attack on London
5) estimate Kurt Russell’s importance to North American culture
6) make everybody happy
7) ski down Everest
8) watch stereo television programmes
9) make peace with your god
Five things Jim Morrison might have done if he had lived
1) become a gardener
2) gotten old and fat and become a disgrace to the rock music profession
3) skied down Everest
4) joined the disco craze, renaming The Doors The Door-o-matics
5) gotten really, really drunk and offended a lot of people
Seven favourite government excuses for an ailing economy
1) too many poor people
2) the fiscal policies of the previous administration
3) low productivity, high oil prices
4) low oil prices, high overproduction
5) consumers saving money instead of spending it
6) foreign currency speculators
7) sun spots
Four television series that deserved a better fate than half a season
1) Buffalo Bill
2) Sara
3) Hometown
4) Foley’s Square
Four television series that didn’t deserve a better fate than half a season, but got one anyway
1) Misfits of Science
2) Dallas
3) Love Boat
4) Knight Rider
Six reasons for not abolishing Valentine’s Day
1) greeting card and boxed candy sales would dramatically decline
2) there are three or four non-cynical romantics who really believe the holiday is worthwhile
3) February would be left without a meaningful holiday
4) having only one day a year devoted to positive human emotions is better than not having any at all
5) local radio stations need an opportunity to play all those sappy love songs they play on Valentine’s Day (otherwise they would back up and the radio station would eventually explode)
6) Jacqueline likes it
Seven things you would not want to find in a drink
1) sulfuric acid
2) carbolic acid
3) Jacques Cousteau
4) ethyl carbamate
5) dioxin
6) cyanide
7) a water wing
Four ideas of social justice about as pertinent today as the dodo
1) The Great Society
2) The Just Society
3) The New Deal
4) The New Right
Eight thoughts to take your mind off your troubles
1) Conrad Black will never in his entire lifetime be able to spend all the money that he has accumulated
2) the Osmonds aren’t really as happy as they look
3) having fans didn’t improve John Lydon’s singing
4) Jim Bakker doesn’t know any more about life than you do
5) easterners probably would have enjoyed freezing in the dark, anyway
6) if we all had money, it wouldn’t be worth anything
7) today is the first day of K. D. Lang’s life, too
8) when your parents say that, they’re really just being jealous that television wasn’t around to rot their brains when they were your age
Seven things that make Billy Martin really mad
1) firing him
2) losing a game for him
3) a bad call by an umpire
4) rehiring him
5) insulting him in a bar or on an elevator
6) skiing down Everest
7) breathing
Seven world leaders who suffer a serious image problem
1) Jean Claude Duvalier, formerly of Haiti
2) Ferdinand Marcos, formerly of the Philippines
3) Moammar Khadafy of Libya
4) Ayatollah Khomeini of Iran
5) F. W. Botha of South Africa
6) Francois Mitterand of France
7) Margaret Thatcher of the United Kingdom
Ten things that do not go together
1) plaid shirts and a check shirt
2) Donna Summer and Billy Idol
3) art and commerce
4) Art and Minnie
5) Canadian winters and Latin rhythms
6) Modern Theatre and meaning
7) life and twist-top bottles
8) underwear with flowers and Revenue Canada
9) caviar and Spam
10) common sense and skiing down Everest