Hey, groovy cats and kittens. This is Answers to Musical Questions Month!
1. “How can men who’ve never seen light be enlightened?” Matches.
2. “Who put the bomp in the bomp shu bomp shu bomp?” Herbert Hoover
3. “How soon is now?” Thirteen light years. (I know that isn’t a measurement of time, I just like to hear you squeal.)
4. “Why do fools fall in love?” Somebody wouldn’t get them an XBox for their birthday.
5. “Does anybody really know what time it is?” The fool in love with now seems to think he does.
6. “Who’s gonna ride your wild horses?” Who isn’t? (Round round, get around, I get around!)
7. “Where do the children play?” Moncton.
8. “Why are there so many songs about rainbows?” Must be part of the queer agenda Rush Limbaugh always yammers on about.
9. “What becomes of the broken hearted?” They go into advertising.
10. “What’s real and what’s for sale?” Oh, nothing and everything.
11. “Where have all the flowers gone?” To black velvet paintings, every one…
12. “Who’ll stop the rain?” Mitt Romney. What? Now he has the time…
13. “What’s my age again?” Physical, mental or artisanal cheesal?
14. “What the heck is on Joey’s head?” No idea, but I bet he’ll need industrial strength shampoo to get it off!
15. “How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?” I’m a devout believer in dessertology.
16. “Does it really happen?” Yes, but not to anybody anybody knows.
17. “Where is my mind?” Moncton.
18. “You don’t drink. You Don’t smoke. What do you do?” Build my dream partner out of Legos.
19. “Are we human or are we dancer?” Asbestos tree shoes!
20. “Whatever happened to Saturday night?” Sunday morning.
21. “Why did Constantinople get the works?” Are you Turkish? If you’re not, it’s none of your damn business!
22. “Forever afternoon. Tuesday?” It depends on what time zone of forever you happen to live in.
23. “How do you do what you do to me?” A crowbar and plenty of Epsom salts.
24. “Is there life on Mars?” Naah – the scene is dead since all the hipsters moved to Europa.
25. “Have you seen your mother, baby, standing in the shadows?” I wouldn’t know, would I? They’re shadows…
26. “What you gon’ do with all that junk?” Hold a garage sale out of my trunk?
27. “Where have all the good times gone?” Moncton.
28. “Who put the ram in the rama lama ding dong?” Franklin Roosevelt
29. “Is there anybody out there?” Somebody’s mother standing in the shadows, and she’s starting to creep me out!
30. “How do you sleep?” On a bed of crushed CDs and lilacs, just like my hero Anaximander.
31. “Do you really want to hurt me?” Did you really finish the box of chocolate chip cookies?
Hey, daddio and…mommio. October is More Answers to Musical Questions Month!
1. “Should I stay or should I go?” That’s the quantum romantic question, isn’t it?
2. “Ah! Leah! Is it ever gonna end?” I’ve penciled in an ending next Tuesday at 9:37 am – is that good for you?
3. “Who’s the black private dick/That’s a sex machine to all the chicks?” H. Ross Perot?
4. “Wouldn’t it be nice?” No, it would still be Paris.
5. “How would I know? Why should I care?” Whoa! The President only takes one question at a time…
6. “Why can’t we be friends?” Because I won’t know if you’ve stayed or if you’ve gone until I look into the box.
7. “And you may ask yourself, ‘My god, what have I done?'” And you may answer, “My god, why am I talking to myself?”
8. “Where do the boys go?” Niagara Falls, but they’re driving back tonight…
9. “On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?” Sorry – allergies…
10. “Hey, Joe, where you going with that gun in your hand?” Starbucks – I gotta point to make…
11. “Can you hear me, Major Tom?” Of course I can! What do you think this is, a high school production of The Sunshine Boys?
12. “Who is the man that would risk his neck/For his brother man?” Sorry, but I’m still gonna go with H. Ross Perot.
13. “Why don’t we do it in the road?” Because getting pebbles in your ass hurts!
14. “Is our love strong enough?” Urk! Aagh! Too! Strong! Maybe we shouldn’t have used the Crazy Glue!
15. “Can you tell me where my country lies?” In newspapers, on TV, anywhere it can, really…
16. “Q: Are we not men?” [INSERT YOUR OWN DAMN PENIS JOKE HERE, PERV!]
17. “Where have all poppa’s heroes gone?” To the deli, every one. Somebody should tell their Weight Watchers sponsor!
18. “When there’s nowhere else to run/Is there room for one more son?” Naah – gravity would pull them together…
19. “Tell me, what is my life without your love?” A half-melted popsicle with delusions of ice berginess…
20. “Where have all the good people gone?” To check up on all poppa’s heroes…
21. “Will my eyes make me wise, or is all I believe in lies?” Not as long as you wear bowties…on your thighs…
22. “Is she really going out with him?” No, but it stops the Internet rumours, so shhh…
23. “Where have all sensations gone?” Buffalo, but they’re driving back tonight…
24. “Is that concrete all around, or is it in my head?” No: Concretehead was a minor Marvel villain in the 1980s…
25. “Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs. And what’s Wrong With That?” Diabetes.
26. “Can you tell me where my country lies?” Ovah yandah in da valley of my fadda…
27. “Who’s the cat that won’t cop out/When there’s danger all about?” Okay, that was silly. I meant, uhh, David Koch.
28. “Are you going to Scarborough Fair?” Fair, foul or any weather in between – I’m committed to going, dammit!
29. “What ya gonna do when I’m gone?” Smear myself with chocolate and play Twister with the pandas. Shhh…don’t tell the SPCA…
30. “Am I under arrest or should I guess some mo?” Damn Alex Trebek for not asking if that was my final answer!
31. “And says, ‘How does it feel/To be such a freak ?'” Other than the throbbing kidney, pretty good…