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Headlines Couldn’t Be Bothered To Write Their Own Headline

Two Index Funds?
An Amoeba With An MBA?
Tanya Tagaq?
What? WHAT? WHAT?


“Trick Question: What performs better than an index fund?”

– Globe and Mail


Conservatives Insist Easy Fish Parole Puts Public In Peril


“Fish jail keeps world’s anxiety at bay”

– Toronto Star


Did NOT See That One Coming!


“Canada, U.S. slowdowns perk up TSX”

– Toronto Star

“As earnings expectations dwindle, Dollarama shares soar”


– Globe and Mail

“SNC profit, outlook rise despite dip in revenues”


– Toronto Star

“In the U.S., a downward revision fails to silence talk of an upswing”


– Globe and Mail

“TSX declines amid strong U.S. data”


– National Post

“BMO shares fall despite record profit”


– Toronto Star

“Markets shrug off earnings gloom
S&P 500 hits record despite growing pessimism over outlook for corporate earnings”


– Globe and Mail

“Whistler Blackcomb profit climbs even as visits decline”


– Toronto Star

“Worry-free investors spark new fears
Low volatility and investor complacency raise eyebrows on Wall Street as markets enjoy longest stretch of tranquility since 1995″


– National Post

“TSX rises despite negative jobs data”


– Toronto Star


Wouldn’t That Be All Of Them?


“The soldier who didn’t kill Hitler”

– Toronto Star


Time Lord Says Task Not “Timey Wimey” Enough


“WHO urged to regulate e-cigarettes”

– Globe and Mail


1. The Shalt Not Pay Heed To Lists Of Advice


“The five commandments of ‘Not-Stupid’ investing”

– Globe and Mail


Ontarians Hate Hudak
But Will The Sun Admit It?


“Ontario needs Hudak
But do the province’s voters realize it?”

– Toronto Sun


Disguise About As Effective As Her Prose Style


“Rowling releases new book under pseudonym”

– Toronto Star


Like People Need An Excuse?!


“The longest day – for drinking”

– Globe and Mail


Lucky…Us?


“Europe Is Struggling To Avoid Deflation”

– New York Times

“Inflation fears stoke Oliver’s cautious bent”


– Globe and Mail


Especially Since I Just Asked If You Would Marry Me


“Gun control isn’t the answer”

– Toronto Sun


Sure…When They’re Called The Superneato Wonderful Life Affirming Liquid Fields


“Will we ever be proud of our oil sands?”

– Globe and Mail


Damn! I Had “Beer And Pretzels” In The Office Pool!


“Macaulay Culkin really likes pizza”

– Toronto Star


…After I Spend My Column Explaining Why Only A Complete Moron Would Think So


“MacKay sexist? You decide…”

– Toronto Sun


They Haven’t Over The Past Decade, But Maybe The Markets Just Weren’t Trying Hard Enough…


“Markets in Emissions To Rescue the Climate”

– New York Times


And, Corruption Handily Won


“A referendum on corruption”

– Toronto Sun


Nouri al-Maliki? I Thought – Oh, Don’t Tease Me Like That!


“The scale of PM’s isolation is clear
Increasing calls for Nouri al-Maliki to step down have set the stage for a political showdown when parliament convenes July 1″

– Globe and Mail


Of Course: If He Hadn’t Been Such An Airbag, He Wouldn’t Have Given Up His Canadian Citizenship


“GM orders halt to sales of Cruzes, citing faulty airbags”

– Toronto Star


At Least It Has A Choice Of Roofs To Choose From…


“SKY’S THE LIMIT
A forest of condo-building cranes are transforming Toronto’s skyline”

– Toronto Sun

“Gas goes through the roof”


– Toronto Sun


Learn How To Programme A Computer Or Guard Prisons. Ideally, You Should Be Able To Run Computers In Prisons.


“My industry is in decline. How do I find a new career?”

– Globe and Mail


Unfortunately, Not The Only One Whose Opinion Actually Matters


“Most Catholics in favour of birth control”

– Toronto Star


Because, Frankly, All The Fetal Motorcycle Crash Investigations Were Going Nowhere


“SIU to probe fatal motorcycle crash”

– Toronto Sun


Oh. We Were Kind Of Hoping That It Would Be Better Than Before…


“BUSINESS AS USUAL: KELLY
Mayor Rob Ford set to return from rehab”

– Toronto Sun


Tabloid Headlines At Broadsheet Prices


“Officer acquitted of cannibalism conspiracy”

– Globe and Mail


Only For Tax Purposes


“Death best thing to happen to Jacko?”

– Toronto Sun


We Are Restrained In Our Use Of Restraint


“Another killing raises Mideast tensions
Palestinian leaders hold Israel responsible for slaying of teenager; Israeli PM calls for restraint”

– Globe and Mail

“Death toll rises in Israeli airstrikes
Abbas slams missile strikes in Gaza as scores ki9lled, hundreds more injured”


– Toronto Star


ROWF GRRRRR Never! ARRRRRRR WOOF, Base Replies


“Tories must stop attacking people, appeal to voters, new leader says”

– Toronto Star


Sex And The City Fans May Object


“Mr. Big must die”

– Globe and Mail


Is Also Considered Cutting The Fighter Planes’ Allowance


“U.S. military grounds F-35 jets after fire”

– Toronto Star


The Pope Respectfully Disagrees


“PREPARE FOR THE RESURRECTION
This could be the greatest comeback story since Lazarus”

– Toronto Sun


Of Course! They Don’t Level Believe They Can Die!


“Ontarians want raised speed limits, poll finds
Highest of support for upping maximum among young males in north”

– Toronto Star


I Knew Smoking Was Becoming Socially Unacceptable, But I Never Imagined…!


“Hacking editor gets 18 months in jail”

– Toronto Star


Hopefully, The City Councillor Will Get Help For His DVP Problem…


“Big problem with DVP: Kelly”

– Toronto Sun


Shouldn’t That Be: “A Reborn Cheney Remains Offensive?”


“A reborn Cheney goes on offensive”

– Toronto Star


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