“So…Cars or Tubes?”
“Well, uhh, I’d love drive to work, but I can’t afford an automobile of my own, so I usually use public transit.”
“Okay. TMI Blabbermeister.”
“The name’s Bob, act -“
“It was a simple question – Cars or Tubes? Do I have to repeat it for y – hold on a minute, I just did!”
“I thought I answered your question.”
“Dick?”
“Yes, Dick?”
“Did that sound like an answer to you?”
“Yes.”
“It did sound like an answer to you?”
“It certainly sounded like an answer to me. Of course, it wasn’t the right answer to the question, still, I can imagine any number of questions it could be the answer to.”
“Any number?”
“That’s right. As long as the number is three.”
“Perhaps you should explain what’s going on to the Blabbster, Dick.”
“It would be my pleasure, Dick. 95 point two two C-D-I-K, Big Dick radio, is running a new promotion called We Choose ‘Em, You Lose ‘Em. Three times a day, we give listeners a choice of two songs, which they have to vote on. During the voting, one lucky listener wins the right not to be mocked on the air for at least one week, possibly three, depending upon the mood of DJ at the time.”
“Simple enough for you, Blabby Blabbmonster?”
“The name’s Bob, act -“
“What are the two songs people can choose from this morning, Dick?”
“This morning’s songs are ‘Moving in Stereo’ by the Cars and ‘Sushi Girl’ by the Tubes, Dick.”
“So, you have a choice between Cars and Tubes…musically, not transportationally. So, Blabb…Whatever, which song do we lose?”
“I like ‘Stairway to Heaven,’ myself, Dick.”
“That’s not a choice.”
“But, I really like ‘Stairway to Heaven.'”
“Still not a choice.”
“Couldn’t you just play
“Stairway to Heaven,’ Dick?”
“Okay, we’ve got Mary on the line. Hi, Mary.”
“Hi, Di -“
“Ready to play We Choose ‘Em, You Lose ‘Em?”
“You bet!”
“Okay. Mary? Cars or Tubes?”
“I think you should lose ‘Stairway to Heaven,’ Dick.”
“That wasn’t one of the choices, Mare.”
“It’s the most overplayed and overrated song on your playlist, Dick.”
“Still not a choice.”
“In fact, if I hear it one more time, I may just have to get out the matches and invite all your listeners to a bonfire of the vinyl inanities outside your stu -“
“Oh, for crying – whose brilliant idea was this promotion?”
“I hear you, Dick. Still, it’s better than The Top One At One.”
“You have to admit, there was a kind of Zen simplicity to that concept. And, it was really easy to determine what order to play the song in.”
“There’s that. Still, We Choose ‘Em, You Lose ‘Em is definitely better than Take the Money and Run.”
“Did they ever catch the person or persons who took the money?”
“Nope. Apparently, they ran really fast.”
“It just goes to prove the old radio adage that reality aspires to the condition of an episode of WKRP in Cincinnati.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard that saying before…how old can it be?”
“Well, it will be old in 50 years. I may have pre-aged it some.”
“As is your prerogative. Good morning, everybody. I’m Jean-Claude ‘von Dick’ De-La-Skibol…”
“And, I’m Reginald ‘Dick’ Kefauver.”
“You’re listening to 95 point two two C-D-I-K, Big Dick radio. This morning, we’re playing the game We Choose ‘Em, You Lose ‘Em. If you’d like to join the fun -“
“Very loosely defined.”
” – you know the number to call. We have…Amarantha on the line? Did I pronounce that correctly, dear?”
“Actually, it’s pronounced Millicent, Dick.”
“Sorry – I lost my glasses in an Extreme Poker disaster. So, Silly Cent, Cars or Tubes?”
“Actually, Dick, I agree with Mary. You should lose ‘Stairway to Heaven.'”
“Okay, Roger. You there, Roger?”
“Yep.”
“Cars or Tubes?”
“I go with ‘Stairway to Heaven,’ Dick.”
“Robin?”
“Dick?”
“Cars? Or. Tubes?”
“‘Stairway to -“
“Cloudburst Santeria?”
“That is my name, yes.”
“If you could choose any song from our playlist that we should not play except for Led Zeppelin’s ‘Stairway to Heaven,’ what would it be?”
“Definitely ‘Stairway to Heaven,’ Dick!”
“Gaaah! …Alright. We should play a song right now.”
“As it happens, Dick, we have one cued up and ready to go.”
“Oh, it isn’t…”
“It’s a Led Zeppelin classic.”
“Don’t you dare say it!”
“It’s from their fourth untitled album, sometimes called Led Zeppelin Four…”
“I swear, Dick, I will beat you to death with your own microphone!”
“And, we’ll play it right after these commercials messages!”
“AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!”