“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Good morning. I’m -“
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“That’s right. And, I’m -“
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Okay, we get it! We -“
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Hey! Mister producer! What -“
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“What’s that, Dick?”
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Is there a problem with the cart?”
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Nope. We’re just rebrandi -“
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Rebranding?”
“Yeah. See, we -“
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“The station’s got a new identity!”
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“How long is this -“
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Just another 11 seconds…”
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Uhh, guys? Dead air. You’ve got three minutes and twenty-seven seconds before the next break – make the most of it.”
“Okay, then. Good morning, everybody. I’m Jean-Claude ‘von Dick’ De-La-Skibol…”
“And, I’m Reginald ‘Dick’ Kefauver.”
“You’re listening to 95 point two two C-D-I-K, Big Dick radio.”
“The city’s rock and roll fortress.”
“That’s ‘citadel,’ Dick.”
“What’s the difference?”
“One is a big stone building with a moat and battlements and armed guards patrolling the perimeter for people who don’t belong there. The other is the centrepiece of a million dollar rebranding campaign. Didn’t you get the memo?”
“Of course I got the memo.”
“Then, you should know -“
“I immediately shredded it so that I could use it to line my hamster cage.”
“* SIGH * Of course. Didn’t you at least read it first?”
“Of course not! If I read it, I might want to keep it. And, if I kept it, what would Lenny and Squiggy poop on?”
“You named your hamster Lenny and Squiggy, Dick?”
“He always wanted a brother, Dick, but I couldn’t afford to feed two of them. Chicken gizzards pate is bloody expensive.”
“What about you, Dick? Didn’t you read the memo?”
“I always swallow them without reading them. I was a big fan of Mission Impossible.”
“Spies always read memos before they eat them!”
“I said I was a fan. I didn’t say I always paid attention.”
“Okay. Look. It’s very simple, really. We used to specialize in music from July, 1967 to October, 1972, January, 1987 to September, 1993, July, 1998 to February, 2002 and December, 2009. That was our niche. Unfortunately, our listeners don’t care for any of that any more. So, now, we play music from July, 1963 to October, 1966, March, 1984 to December, 1986, July, 2003 to October, 2006 and last month.”
“Just like every other rock station.”
“No.”
“How does this new playlist make us different?”
“We throw in the occasional synth song for spice.”
“It sure makes you wonder, doesn’t it, Dick?”
“It sure does, Dick. Whatever happened to the spirit of radio?”
“Haven’t you been paying attention? This is the spirit of radio!”
“Oh. …So, what did it make you wonder?”
“Why more people aren’t listening to iTunes!”
“Come on, Dick! You know we don’t say the i-T word on the air!”
“Somebody’s gonna have to kick a couple of bucks into the iTunes jar after – shit!”
“Sooooo, the Quebec election – it was pretty wild, wasn’t it?”
“It’s a shame that PQ leader Pauline Marois had to resign.”
“You thought she made a good provincial Premier?”
“My impression of her was the highlight of the show!”
“You just liked wearing dresses, didn’t you?”
“Her taste in clothes may have been severe, but I have the figure to make it wo -“
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Aww, not again! We -“
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“For Pete’s sake!”
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Let it be, Dick. Just -“
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“Let it be?”
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“How can I let it be?”
“Big Dick radio: the city’s rock and rock citadel!”
“It’s no longer on the playlist!”