“Vlad? Come in. Come in. I’ve heard so much about you! I’m a huge fan!”
“Who are you?”
“Marshall Feigenputz! If you agree to let us represent you, I’ll be your account executive here at Pathfinder Public Relations and Reputation Massage!”
“Are you…Jewish?”
“I wish! They make the best breakfasts of any ethnic group I have ever dealt with!”
“Hmm…why did you ask me to meet with you?”
“You…you’ve hit a bit of a rough spot in your domination of Wallachia, am I right?”
“Ottoman Sultan Mehmed the Conqueror thinks that I am weak, that he can take control of my lands. Apparently, I have not killed enough of his subjects to prove the error of his ways to him.”
“Oh, Vlad! Don’t you know that violence doesn’t solve anything?”
“It helped me get Wallachia back from the Ottomans after they captured me in my youth – I would say violence was pretty helpful, actually.”
“In the short term, perhaps. However, in the long term, you make more enemies than you could possibly kill. And, there will come a time when they will kill you.”
“Are you…some kind of preacher?”
“You could say I follow the teachings of Saint Edward of Bernays. But, no, no, I am not a preacher.”
“Then, what exactly is it that you do?”
“I can help make you loved by your people.”
“But, I don’t want to be loved by my people. I want to be feared by my people. That is how they remain my people.”
“Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad, Vlad. Get with the fifteenth century! All of the modern age’s tyrants are trying to woo their people – it’s in! It’s hip! It’s modern!”
“It’s nonsense!”
“Is it? Those who fear you may give you what you want, but they will plot against you behind your back. Those who love you willingly give all they have and thank you for the privilege. Which do you think is better for you in the long term?”
“Mmm. Let us say, for the moment, that you are correct. What would you have me do to be…loved?”
“There are lots of things you could do. How about opening an orphanage to take care of the children whose parents you’ve slaughtered?”
“I don’t allow the children of my enemies to live. They become…resentful as they grow up and may seek revenge.”
“Okay. I’m not wedded to the idea. How about…starting a fund to rebuild one of the villages your mercenaries have burned to the ground? A thousand gold coins could buy you a lot of believers that you have repented your evil ways.”
“There’s nobody left to live in those towns if they are rebuilt. It would take no more than a day or two for thieves to take anything that wasn’t nailed down.”
“Vlad! If we’re going to be able to work together, you have to meet me halfway! Do you see what I’m saying?”
“No.”
“Alright… Okay, let’s table that for the time being. There’s a 500 pound bunny in the room, and it’s the impalings.”
“Yes – heh heh. Some of my finest work.”
“Vlaaaad! You’re not thinking like somebody who wants to be loved. Because, I gotta tell you, impaling people on poles and then leaving them out to be seen by the general public is a PR nightmare!”
“Nightmare? You talk to me of nightmares! Let me tell you about -“
RIIIING! RIIIING!
“Hold that thought. I gotta take this.”
“Sure.”
“Marshall?”
“Yes. Who is this?”
“What do you mean, who is this? It’s your client, Jia -“
“Oh, no! Not you! I can’t talk to you! You’re TOXIC! TOXIC! TOXIC!”
“Marshall, please, can we talk like responsible adul -“
“I’m hanging up, now! I don’t want to get your cooties!”
“Marsh -“
CLANG!
“So. Vlad. As I was saying, we gotta get on top of this whole ‘impaler’ thing before the Germans get a hold of it and use it to make you look bad.”
“Unh. What would you suggest?”
“I would suggest that you enrol in a course in anger management. Then, we could hold a press conference where you talk about how difficult your life has been, but you’re getting help and hope to overcome your adversity and become a better person. The best part is that you just have to show up at the classes, it’s not like you have to – Vlad? VLAD? Where are you going?”
“I have a nation to defend.”
“Will you at least think about what I’ve been saying?”
“I will think about what your head would look like on a spike.”
SLAM!
“Hmph! Some people just refuse to be helped…”