My Blood Is Coagulating Just Thinking About It!
Citizens should “celebrate and reflect on Canadian patriotism, sacrifice and commitment to service, the value of personal responsibility, hard work and family, national stability, the rights and duties of citizenship, and fairness and inclusiveness.”
– Harper Government of Canada Web site suggesting how citizens can celebrate the country’s 150th anniversary in 2017
Heterosexual Russian Perverts Don’t Want The Competition
“One can feel calm and at ease. Just leave kids alone, please.”
– Russian President Vladimir Putin welcoming gays to Russia for the Sochi games
If The Labour Market Was Free, The Talent Would Flow To You (Not The Government Cash)
“We operate in a free labour market – we just go where the talent is and have the best environment. The move by the Ontario government makes it extremely easy for our engineering team in a free market to take advantage of the talent, the predictability for us to build a workforce here in a good tax environment.”
– Robert Lloyd, Cisco Systems president of development and sales, on the Ontario government giving the company up to $190 million to expand its research and development in the province
To Make Moral Issues Disappear, Just Say The Magic Word: Khadracadabra!
“The fact that Canadian officials interviewed Mister Khadr cannot amount to cruel and unusual treatment, even if these officials were aware that Mister Khadr had been deprived of sleep. Mere knowledge of Mister Khadr’s mistreatment cannot be equated with participation in such mistreatment.”
– Justice Marc Nadon, Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s pick for the open seat on the Supreme Court of Canada
Ooh, Somebody Doesn’t Like Being Mocked!
“Privilege is supported by those who claim to subvert civility and seriousness. It’s not the respectful voice that props up the status quo; it is the mocking one.”
– Malcolm Gladwell on satire
It’s Scummy Because It’s True
“How about, ‘I am so sorry? Super, super, super, super, super, super, super sorry? So sorry?'”
– Mayor Rob Ford’s response to Speaker Frances Nunziata’s ruling that his apology for calling some councillors “corrupt” was inadequate
Then, To Show His Free Market Credentials, Ryan Voted In Favour Of Further Bank Bailouts
“The guy is from Argentina, they haven’t had real capitalism in Argentina. They have crony capitalism in Argentina. They don’t have a true free enterprise system.”
– Paul Ryan displaying his compassionate conservative credentials by responding to the Pope’s comments on the need to deal with poverty
What’s The Point Of Pampering Humanity If It Doesn’t Have A Planet To Live On?
“What’s the point of saving the planet if humanity suffers?”
– ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson
If We Get Our Best Minds On It And Work Very, Very Hard, Some Day We May Be Able To Perfect It
“[I]nequality is a trend across the decades, across all presidencies, across every developed advanced economy, it has to do with deep trends in our world – globalization, automation – so there’s no way it’s going to be stopped. And when President Obama or Bill de Blasio says somehow they’re going to end social and economic inequality, it’s a pipe dream and they can only do damage by trying to do it.”
– Fox News contributor Rich Lowry
You Do Understand That The Word Does Not Mean “Person Who Hates Homes,” Right?
“If you do something every single day for as long as I have, making a career out of pushing the envelope and being inappropriate at times, there are bound to be differences of opinion that arise. But, I am not a homophobe.”
– former Toronto radio on-air person Dean Blundell
The Magic Of Tautology Is Alive And Well In The Apatowverse
“As a TV critic, you don’t understand why a show about young people in New York, who spend some of their time naked and spend some of their time having sex, includes women who sometimes are naked and sometimes have sex.”
– producer Judd Apatow on the show Girls
Unless It’s People On A Streetcar Stuck In A Thicket Of Cars
“Nothing’s more frustrating for people driving downtown than to get stuck behind a streetcar.”
– Doug Ford
Don’t Pay Any Attention To The Rising Unemployment Rate Behind The Curtain
“In January, 2010, I promised to create jobs and tackle our unemployment rate. Another promise made, another promise kept”
– Mayor Rob Ford
And, Anyway, We Don’t Discuss Our Long Term Plans With Anybody Who Doesn’t Know The Secret Handshake
“We are currently not planning on conquering the world.”
– Sergey Brin, Google
Trust Us – We Know How To Make Things Dead Right
“In Hollywood, the land of make-believe, everything is black and white, good and evil. Hollywood stereotypes are unhelpful and, in many instances, just simply dead wrong.”
– Convus Energy CEO Brian Ferguson
Well, He’s Known For Something Internationally, In Any Case
“There’s one person responsible for heading the city, not only municipally but nationally and internationally.”
– Doug Ford defends his brother, Mayor Rob Ford (again!)
I Sleep Inside It – Otherwise, How Would I Be Sure That The Tons Of Flammable Materials In The Trunk Will Stay Safe?
“Do you not leave your car outside in the parking lot? Or do you sleep beside it every night?”
– Transport Canada official
Environmental Truths Aren’t Invited To The Room Party
“[W]e need a broad understanding of the balanced suite of facts.”
– Dave Collyer, president of the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers
Or, They Could Just Be Fantasizing About Torturing People – Hard To Tell, Really
“If anything, he is coming from this unbelievably strong moral sense. And, I think that is what viewers may be latching onto.”
– Kiefer Sutherland on Jack Bauer, the character he plays on 24
I’m Not Writing This Punchline Until I Get Paid!
“I apologize, but I’ll say that there is a always financial interest with Jewish humor that someone wants to gain. The Jew acts comical to show that he is a Jew and has humor and that he is close to God. The [true] comedian does not. The comedian does not want to win anything. The comedian is a victim.”
– Swiss comedian Massimo Rocchi