Thank you, Oxnard Boxcart, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about a sketch on Saturday Night Live that was uncomfortably similar to a sketch done months earlier on This Hour Has 22 Minutes. We mean really uncomfortable, like your aunt kissing you on the lips in front of the whole family uncomfortable, and we could only shake our heads in sadness, thinking, We eat all of our vegetables. We hardly ever kick dogs, and almost never puppies. We vote for unelected fringe candidates in a misguided effort to maintain political purity. In short, we’re good people. When will it be our turn to have something we’ve written be “appropriated” by Saturday Night Live?
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The Daily Me Staff
Top 5,736 Reasons Not To Promise A List Containing 5,736 Items
Top 31 Reasons You Don’t Have The Success You Deserve
1. The universe is indifferent to your success, and every path through life is hard.
2. That’s it, really. What other reason do you need?
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9. No, seriously, how much effort you put into becoming successful and the strategies you use to achieve it are largely irrelevant. History is full of successful people who didn’t have to work very hard for it and non-successful people who worked like dogs their entire life. Try to remember that, either way, the universe doesn’t care.
10.
11.
12.
13. You know what? It was dumb to commit myself to 31 reasons when there really is only one reason. Why don’t we end the list here and all go for a latte? Okay? Okay!
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2015/May/There_Is_No_Try_Only_Whatever.asp]
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It’s Like Santa Claus…By Committee
ANNOUNCER: Stephen Harper is committed to Canadian families. That is why a pony will be given to parents for every girl they have, while families with boys will receive spaceships that allow their sons to travel around the solar system and be back in time for dinner. But, Stephen Harper knows that parents work hard and sometimes need a break from the endless, thankless responsibility of caring for children. For them, he has a time machine that will allow them to return to the carefree days of their youth. Stephen Harper is helping Canadian families. Stephen Harper is helping you.
SECOND ANNOUNCER: (not as loud and faster) Some measures subject to Parliamentary approval. Other measures subject to reality.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=2004652773]
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The Film Cat People Was A Documentary!
Oh, my! I just realized that, as people get older, they slowly turn into cats. Here’s just some of the proof:
- they sleep for more and more of the day.
- their moods become increasingly difficult to predict (although increased growliness is an integral part of the process).
- they seem to like or dislike foods at random.
- they rub up against your leg for no apparent reason.
Now, if science could just pinpoint when the change starts to happen, maybe somebody could find a cure…
SOURCE: Jennifer’s Brain Blorts
[http://weblogger.brainblorts.home.html]
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Where Could They Possibly Have Gotten THAT Idea?
Almost half of Canadians believe that coalition governments are illegitimate.
“You mean, I’ve been doing government wrong all these years?” asked Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu.
“I know exactly what you mean,” sympathized British Prime Minister David Cameron. “A coalition seemed to me to be the only way to form a government when no party came close to having a majority of seats in Parliament. Thank goodness the Canadian people have shown me the error of my ways. Still, without a coalition, how are we supposed to govern?”
“The Canadian poll didn’t say,” Netanyahu stated. “I guess we’ll just have to wait until the next one…”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20150502.eladvote0502_@/BNStory/newsOops2015/]
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“Sorry, What?” EU Responds, “I Was Distracted By Greece…”
“We are fighting for peace and stability in the EU.”
– Ukraine Prime Minister Arseniy Yatsenyuk
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1492531830]
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Bambi Bembenek? The Prime Minister Hopefully Asked.
No, Sorry: The Disney Bambi.
Awwww!
When it comes to managing the public perception of Omar Khadr, it looks like Prime Minister Stephen Harper is going to have to settle.
YOU WANT: Genghis Kahn.
YOU`LL SETTLE FOR: Dracula
YOU`LL GET: Bambi.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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75th Nervous Breakdown – And Counting
The Rolling Stones insist that their 75th anniversary tour will be their last. Charlie Watts is so feeble his drum kits have electronic amplifiers that resonate at the slightest touch of a drumstick. Mick Jagger prances around the stage using a nuclear powered walker. And, it has been rumoured for years that Keith Richards is actually dead, his stuffed corpse wheeled on and off stage for every performance.
Why bother? Jagger croaked: “We want to go out while we’re still on top.”
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=5/22/2037.htm#1]
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Remember When Girls Got In Trouble For Wearing Skirts That Were Too Short? Sigh…
A 15 year-old Muslim girl was sent home from a school in France because her skirt was too long. The length of the skirt was considered a provocation that reflected Muslim religious beliefs about the modesty of women.
Somewhere, an Ayatollah is saying, “I disagree with your direction, but otherwise I’d be honoured if you’d sign a copy of my latest fatwah!”
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015May09.html]
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Wilbur Hot Springs Eternal In California
JeffCo productions has announced the inauguration of The Million Dollar Screenplay Competition. People who have written screenplays and are hoping to break into the movie industry in Hollywood should be wary, though: the million dollars in the competition does not refer to the prize. It refers to the entrance fee.
Isn’t that expensive? “Sure,” agreed Jeff Coe, the person behind The Million Dollar Screenplay Competition. “But, I only need to have one entrant, and I can retire!”
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0126357/]
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That’s The Glory Of The Capitalist System: If They Sell The Shirts To The NDP, Even At A Discount, Joe Fresh Could Still Come Out Ahead
Sixty thousand polo shirts have been recalled because the Pan Am Games’ “Toronto 2015” Logo comes out in the wash, leaving them a bright orange. Supplier Joe Fresh refused to comment, and the Chinese manufacturer gave us a comment we’re still working on translating. However, reaction came from an unusual source.
“Good luck to the NDP,” Prime Minister Stephen Harper shrugged. “I never expect to win seats in Toronto anyway.”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#56598147062]
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