Thank you, Luke R. McFilthy, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read that New Yorkers bite 10 times more people worldwide than sharks – no, really! Ten times! We read it on the Internet, so you know it must be true! We can’t wait to see how this could play out in a Jaws reboot! – we already have lots of ideas for the poster…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Odds Of A Catastrophe Like This Happening Again Are Very, Very Small…UNLESS AN ANT GETS ON THE TRACKS! OH, MY GOD, NATURE IS EVERYWHERE!
Toronto’s entire subway system was shut down for over three hours when a train between Bayview and Bessarian stations ran over a ladybug.
“From what we can tell, it was a big ladybug,” explained TTC CEO Andy Byford. “You think of ladybugs as these tiny little things, but when they spread their wings to fly, they actually take up a lot of oh, for crying out loud, if you don’t want shit like this to happen, why don’t you fund us properly so we can maintain our equipment better?!
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=239042]
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Maybe…We Could Call You To Our Realm When You Go On Vacation…Do Demons From Hell Ever Go On Vacation?
The Vatican has condemned Charlie Charlie, a game in which you create a grid containing four squares on a piece of paper and write “yes” or “no” in them. Then, you place two pencils or pens on the grid and ask, “Charlie, Charlie [INSERT YOUR INANE BUT APPARENTLY PERSONALLY CONSEQUENTIAL QUESTION HERE].
“Small children could accidentally summon a demon playing this game,” warned Spanish priest Jose Antonio Fortea, a Vatican approved exorcist whose hobby is surfing gnarly waves up and down the California coast. “It may look innocent, but it could lead to children having abortions or listening to rock and roll music. This game is evil incarnate!”
“Oh, please!” Havaboll, a minor demon from the third level of Hell, scoffed, picking something out of his teeth that we would rather not know the origins of. “I work hard at my day job, and it’s going to take a lot more than a couple of pencils and a stupid grid to get me to go to your realm!”
SOURCE: The Inquiring National Star
[http://www.inquiringnationalstar.com/gossip/64389]
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The Absurd Ironyometer Would Ask For A Second Opinion, But It Really Doesn’t Want To Hear Any Jokes About Its Face
Health Minister Rona Ambrose said she is “outraged” by a Supreme Court of Canada ruling that said that medical marijuana users had the right to ingest the substance in whatever form they chose. She argued that such decisions should not be made by judges, but by medical experts at Health Canada.
Like the medical experts who support the concept of supervised injection sites such as Vancouver’s Insite? “Oh, don’t be silly,” Ambrose tittered. “Health Canada would never employ those kinds of experts!”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
2438591061813&call_pageid=965330088492&col=962406972974]
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There Are Plenty Of Images Of ENIAC…Just Sayin’
I might have had more respect for the Globe and Mail‘s article on financial literacy if the accompanying graphic hadn’t been of an abacus. Honestly, were there no images of the counting stones used by our ancient ancestors?
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/jones-majunder-jones1.html]
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If You Don’t Like It, Take A Pill! Ha Ha Ho Ho Hee Hee H – Whoa! Canadians Got No Medicine Integrity AND No Sense Of Humour!
The New York Yankees have hired their own umpires to call balls and strikes whenever they play in Toronto.
“What?” said team Manager Joe Girardi. “Canada lets foreign pharmaceutical manufacturers choose their own referees to determine the quality of the drugs they produce. You gonna tell me baseball is more important than the integrity of your drug supply? Aww, cut me some slack, will ya? My team is in a pennant race, here!”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#50257933625]
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I’m Sorry, How Badly Did You Say You Wanted Israel To Get Its Annual Financial Aid Cheque From The US?
Joseph Farah, founder of WorldNetDaily, wrote: “Will a U.S. Supreme Court decision declaring ‘same-sex marriage’ a ‘right’ warrant secession by some state willing and eager to reclaim America’s Judeo-Christian heritage and foundation? You know it’s inevitable, right?”
Oy!
For most of their existence, Christians wanted nothing to do with Jews, unless it was to enjoy a good pogrom. Boy, oh, boy, did Christians love a good pogrom! But, now, they use as cover to promote their own crazy agenda?
Speaking as a representative of the “Judeo” part of “Judeo-Christian,” let me just say that if you want to secede, you’re on your own, bubbelach!
SOURCE: Canuckistanian Jewishy Weekly
[http://www.cjweekly.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=29760&Itemid=86]
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Hopefully, Somebody Will Learn…Some Kind Of Lesson From This…
Two hospital workers in Toronto have been charged for reportedly selling confidential maternity records to registered education savings plans salespeople.
“This is nuts,” said Chai Leinster, the lawyer for one of the hospital workers. “I thought we believed in entrepreneurship in this country, but obviously I was mistaken!”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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Oh, Nice! Kickstarter A Man When He’s Down!
Director Uwe Boll threw an expletive-filled hissy fit when it appeared that the Kickstarter campaign for his new movie, Rampage 3: No Mercy, would not reach its goal. “What retarded amateur idiots collecting money on that website!” he said. “For me, crowdfunding is absolutely dead.”
Boll added: “I’ll find another Chinese, Alibaba idiot…who wants to see his fucking yacht in Cannes to fuck supermodels. That’s the movie business!” Not really sure what this comment about Hollywood investors from China has to do with funding his film…
Boll summed up: “Basically, my message is ‘fuck yourself.'” Okay, this is pretty clear.
Gee. If his movies were half as dramatic as his private life, more people might want to fund and see them!
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0172753/]
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Some Solutions To Civic Problems Are Easier To Swallow Than Others
Mayor John Tory gained a victory as City Council voted 24-21 in favour of his plan for a hybrid east Gardiner Expressway. Okay, it was a narrow victory, but any decision at this point would be better than – ahem – gridlock. The plan calls for the current road to continue to crumble for another decade, at which point whatever is left will be demolished and rebuilt using spaghetti.
“Not cooked spaghetti, obviously,” Tory explained. “The raw stuff. You’d be amazed at what construction workers can do with pastas these days!
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2015/06/12/509727.html]
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