Thank you, Evie Ryder, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, are we the only ones who, when somebody is talking about the Pan Am games, hear the Panem games instead?
Oh. Well. Thats embarrassing…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Why Are You Being Such A Bibi About The Deal?
Yesterday afternoon, Benjamin Netanyahu’s head exploded, killing 23 members of the Knesset and injuring 27 more. The explosion was a 7.9 on the Richter scale; shock waves were felt as far as Paris, Moscow and Washington.
The cause of the eruption is believed to be a shift in the political world’s tectonic plates that resulted in the United States reaching a deal on nuclear energy with Iran.
Political climatologists are concerned that the Netanyahu eruption will spew toxic hatred throughout Israel, with devastating health effects on the population of the country for years to come. Meanwhile, North American supporters of the State of Israel shrugged, as if to say, “So, what else is new?”
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1458221597465]
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It’s A Good Thing The Greeks Voted For Austerity In Last Week’s Referendum, Because Otherwise The Deal With The EU Would Have No Democratic Legitimacy
1 way to destroy a country) Match the austerity measure imposed on Greece by the European Community (aka: Germany’s bitch) with the way it will help make life better for the country’s citizens.
a) Greece’s value added tax must be streamlined and go up
b) Greece’s pension system must be reformed, leading to reduced payments in some cases
c) Greece must set up a privatization fund that will take control of about 50 billion Euros worth of state assets, including some banks
d) Greece is committed to make changes in labour market regulation, including collective bargaining and strike rights
ii) it won’t; it’s designed to help Greece pay off the country’s debts to its foreign creditors
iii) it won’t; it’s designed to help boost corporate profits, especially those of companies not based in Greece
iv) it won’t; it’s designed to help Greece pay off the country’s debts to its foreign creditors
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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You Can Pic- Your Own A-nik
And You Can Pic- Your Friends
But You Can’t…See Where I’m Going With This…
A new study suggests that polar bears are not as resilient to climate change and disappearing sea ice as once thought.
It was believed that the bears would sneak into federal parks and steal the pic-a-nic baskets of inattentive tourists. Scientists studying the animals, however, say that their metabolism doesn’t really allow them to digest peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or chocolate pudding, two foods commonly found in pic-a-nic baskets.
“Without access to their usual diet, I guess the bears will have to resort to eating tourists,” sighed Ranger Bob. “I’ll alert CSI…”
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=326]
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Go Set A Watchman‘s Teeth On Edge
With the revelation that Atticus Finch is actually a racist who supports segregation in Harper Lee’s Go Set a Watchman, many parents are rethinking naming their children after the stern but loving man originally portrayed in To Kill a Mockingbird.
“Actually, our darling baby boy was named after…Atticus Blanchcustard,” explained secret schlepper Moronica Devoies. “That Atticus was a famous…South Carolina whale herder.”
“Actually, we never planned on naming our newborn Atticus,” coffin lining expert Fancher Splilson claimed. “We intended to name him Flubber – the name on his birth certificate was…a typo.”
Literary nameologist Brenda Flaxenelbows commented, “I haven’t seen this much controversy since the Great Holden Schism of the 1960s!”
SOURCE: The Inquiring National Star
[http://www.inquiringnationalstar.com/gossip/64383]
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Or, You Could Just Take My Word For It
Because Have I Ever Lied To You?
According to a former StatsCan cubicle drone and current pundit for the C. D. & Howe Institute, Canada is not in a recession. Necessarily. Philip Acrostic argues that the most commonly cited definition of a recession – two quarters of negative economic growth (“a contraction that doesn’t lead to a bouncing baby economic boom”) – actually came from a misreading of the children’s picture book Babar and the Dismal Scientist.
How should we define a recession, then? “Using a very simple formula,” Acrostic stated. “A formula so simple, even readers of children’s picture books can understand it.” The formula is:
A represents Abercrombie (the number of umbrellas sold to men in the Greater Ottawa Area in the previous six months)
BC represents the Baclava Condition (the number of the tasty Greek treats it would take to weigh as much as the current Prime Minister)
DP represents the Dental Property (how many teeth you could lose if you went to a International Economists’ Conclave and praised Noam Chomsky and Paul Krugman)
Ao represents the temperature outside the economist’s office at the time he makes this calculation
DAN represents the Dietrich Arbitrary Coefficient (a number from 0 to 9 arrived at by rolling a 16 sided die)
LBCDS represents the Lowest Broken Common Denominator Syndrome (the number of doctors licensed to practice psychotherapy divided by the number of economists currently in their care)
F represents Fitch (the number of umbrellas sold to men in the Greater Ottawa Area in the next six months)
ENGSOC represents any fascistic party that rules a country with a combination of tight information control and brutal physical repression – in other words, 7
RPC represents the Ruling Party Coefficient
when the ruling party is Conservative, the RPC equals 0
when the ruling party is Liberal, the RPC equals 32
when the ruling party is NDP, the RPC equals 256
“Umm, okay, this may not be as simple as “two quarters of negative economic growth,” Acrostic allowed. “Still, I have a theory about supply side economics that runs to 739 pages, so consider yourself lucky!”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-f0f3-3f4f-9f57-a2eb1cc7a007]
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Murnau: The Story Can Be Told!
Olaf Ihlefeldt looked at the candle that had been left in front of the crypt of acclaimed German film director F. W. Murnau with dismay. “Oh, not again,” the director of the Stahnsdorf South-Western Cemetery moaned to himself.
But, it wasn’t again. Exactly. Instead of a Satanist stealing some of the bones of the director of Nosferatu, Ihlefeldt found that somebody had put another skeleton in the tomb alongside Murnau’s.
“Yes, yes, I understand we live in a celebrity obsessed culture,” Ihlefeldt commented. “But, reaching out from beyond the grave to…reach into the grave, I suppose – well, whatever happened here, it’s damn creepy!”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2015/2015/07/13/murnauandthen/]
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