Thank you, Alameida Atrophied, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we like peas. And, we like peeing. And, we certainly like our peepees. But, we don’t like peeing peas. Eww.
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The Daily Me Staff
Who Wouldn’t Want To Vote For A Party That Appeals To The Bitter Angels Of Our Nature?
Prime Minister Stephen Harper defended his government’s record on women’s issues this week. When asked how he would help women get past the glass ceiling, he responded: “By ensuring that they are not discriminated against for wearing niqabs at work…by ensuring that they don’t wear niqabs to work.”
When asked how he would support women’s reproductive freedom, he responded: “By ensuring that women don’t wear niqabs in bed so that men don’t knock up the wrong women by accident.”
When asked how he would help groups that worked for women’s rights, he responded: “By cutting their funding to cripple or kill them before they get taken over by women in niqabs.”
Then, Harper summed up: “We’re ensuring the freedom of Muslim women by not allowing some of them to become Canadian citizens or work in federal jobs where they have to interact with the public. Who could possibly argue with that?”
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2015/10/12/ican151012]
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COMING NEVER: How White Is Rupert Murdoch?
How Black Are You?
You may have thought you knew: Barack Obama is black, my skin is roughly the same colour as his, so I must be black. Then, Rupert Murdoch tweeted, “What about a real black President who can properly address the racial divide?” Not so sure about your blackness any more, are you?
The answer is simple: look up a black person on the following logorrhoeaic scale whose public profile (primarily political) most resembles yours. This will give you a good sense of how black you are.
| 9.7 | Ben Carson |
| 4.3 | Rosa Parks |
| 3.9 | Shaquille O’Neal |
| 3.6 | Denzel Washington |
| 2.3 | Muhammad Ali |
| 2.0 | Wesley Snipes |
| 1.8 | Spike Lee |
| 1.7 | Barack Obama |
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=836&dir=bb]
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It Was The Involvement Of Plushies That Definitively Decided The Matter
0 to 0 in no time at all, really) Tea Party darling Kevin McCarthy has stunned Republicans by choosing not to be crowned Speaker of the House of Representatives. His stated reason for pulling out of the race is that, “We’re servants. We should put this conference first. If we are going to unite and be strong, we need a new face.” What’s the real reason?
a) his involvement in a sex scandal is about to be disclosed to the public
b) his involvement in a gay sex scandal is about to be disclosed to the public
c) he looked at how much fun John Boehner had in the position, and wondered why anybody with more intelligence than algae would want it
d) his involvement in a gay sex scandal involving drugs and plushies is about to be disclosed to the public
e) other scandal
1 sorry dude) Jason Chaffetz’ congressional investigation of Planned Parenthood has collapsed, with the Republican admitting that the organization had committed no wrongdoing. What is the proper response to this?
a) clearly, he didn’t look hard enough – we need another investigation!
b) clearly, he didn’t look hard enough – we need an investigation of his investigation!
c) he wants to be Speaker of the House? As if! Paul Ryan is looking better all the time!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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One Important Function Of The Courts Is To Mediate Disputes Where One Person’s Rights Conflict With The Rights Another Person Has Pulled Out Of His Ass
To the Editor,
A lot has been written about the rights of women who come to Canada and, despite all of our traditions, demand to wear veils at citizenship ceremonies. But, what about my right to interfere in the personal religious decisions of other people during a ceremony I have never attended and, to be totally honest, hadn’t even really thought about before yesterday? Are editorial writers going to defend that right? Huh? You think the Supreme Court is going to rule in favour of my right to do that? Pfeh! They probably won’t even hear my case! Pussies.
And, while I’m on the subject, what about my right to live in a country that doesn’t allow smart, talented, hard-working people who don’t live like I do to come here and contribute to our quality of life while ignoring our social customs? When I try to assert this right, people call me a bigot!
I mean, honestly! What’s the point of having rights if other people won’t accept them?
Morgan “In His” Sippee-Cuppes
Moosetesticles, Saskatchewan
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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Of Course, Volkswagen Stock Plummeted And The Board Fired Him Before He Got back To His Office
I Hope His Moment Of Glory Was Worth It…
Volkswagen CEO Michael Horn stunned congressional investigators when he admitted that everybody in the top echelons of the vehicle manufacturer knew about and approved the rigging of their diesel engines to make them seem more environmentally friendly. “Yep. We did it!” Horn said. “We so did it. You have no idea how much we did it. I mean, we really did it!”
After a moment of silence, Horn was given a standing ovation by the lawmakers.
Afterwards, Horn said, “Wow. If I had known honesty would get such a reception, I would have also admitted we’ve been covering up flaws in our brake linings for years!” After a moment’s thought, he added, “But, uhh, maybe we should let people find that one out for themselves…”
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB115483304091118759,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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A Zunera Dawns
After winning the legal right to wear a niqab during the swearing in ceremony, Zunera Ishaq has officially become a Canadian citizen.
Islamic militants saw this as a sign to storm Parliament, killing most MPs, and declaring Sharia to be the new law of Canada. At the same time, radical Islamicists attacked military bases throughout the country, winning much needed heavy equipment which they could use to defend their new government. A small number also took over major broadcasting facilities, replacing normal programming with endless repeats of such shows as Fireside Chats with the Imam and ISIS’ Greatest Executions.
As he was led away from his office to be beheaded, deposed Prime Minister Stephen Harper valiantly said, “I tried to warn Canadians. But, would they listen? Noooooooooooooooooo!”
SOURCE: Canadian Depress
[http://www.cd.org/english/notforyou.htm]
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